.......Jack 2525 (a parody of parts!) ...by Tblue, LMRS, and August!


(Tblue...singing...)

"In Twenty five two-five
The Resistance had yet to thrive
And a Voice with folks to drive
Needed someone else alive
Which brought Em to a laborat'ry
And a man with smarts
She found he could make her laugh
The Dragoon Jack of Hearts

From the Bailies up above
To the mutants down below
There never was a future man
Who did more cliche's know

He'll halt the red-haired evils
of Napo-Creegan's attack
There's no Betrayer or Mutant yet
Who don't know Jack

From the Bailies up above
To the mutants down below
It's All for one and one for All
With special effects "to go"

So when you need some laser fire
to mount your next attack
Just ask the "blaster" next to you
Mad Cool! It's Jack!"

Substituting:

Jack for Cleo.
Emilia for Hel
Jack (as Dragoon) for Sarge
Croque for Mauser
with Jean Claude as Voice
Brogard as any Betrayer necessary
Napoleon as Creegan.
& the French militia as the Mutants.

********

(LMRS)

Great theme song! But what does the show that follows look like? I know! How about this?:

Jack awoke to see Emilia at work on another crazy invention. "Oh for crying out loud! do you know what time it is?"
"Not in the slightest," Emilia replied. "We're miles underground. There's no way to know whether the sun has set or not."

"Well check your digital watch, will you? It's three in the morning."

"Making it 0300 hours."

"Yeah, whatever. Look Em, back when I was a well respected thespian..."

"A what?"

"A thespian! I mean an actor, so don't get any funny ideas. When I was a big name star before they froze me back in 2001, I made it a clause in my contract. I must have my full eight hours sleep."

"You were never a big name star, Jack. You were a character actor with a minor following. And I'm sorry for disturbing your beauty sleep. Voice needs this device ready yesterday, and I shant disappoint her."

***

(Tblue)

Voice: (in JC's best french accent)
"allo Emilia, where es zee device, mon cherie?
Aaarck, tut suite tut suite alors alors
Zee evil Napoleon must not find my locacion!"
There was a strange ripple effect that occurred in the fireplace entrance.
It looked kinda...well.."glitchy".

Emilia looked up, went over to it, frowning.
Nothing more happened, so she turned and walked back.

Croque was trying on a new costume of black with a mask and a plumed hat.
"Fabbulous!" he proclaimed, mincing up and down the catwalk.
Spying the ripple in the fireplace, he went up to it. He spoke softly to himself - "Sooo! What do we have here, my little american monkey...?"
Nothing, it seemed. He turned around, and began to walk away, when a little hand grabbed him by the ankle through the flames....

***

(LMRS)

Croque's scream alerted Jack and Em. They turned to see the droid being pulled away by a little guy in a clown suit.
"It's Napo-Creegan," Emilia cried. "He's trying to steal Croque."

"That's right, my dear," Napo-Creegan shouted triumphantly. "And I will take him as easily as I killed your pathetic father!"

Jack turned to look at his female partner. "Napo-Creegan killed your father?"

"Sort of," Em replied. "Daddy tripped over him and fell down a shaft."

***

(Tblue)

Napo-Creegan leered at Em.
"I WILL find the location of the voice that ruined my plans...Are you sure you won't reconsider my marriage proposal"?
"Never! I'd rather die."
"That can be arranged..." he said, and emitted a shrill cry - "eeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
French militia came pouring in.
Napo-Creegan turned to his hapless captive - "I have you at last, Dragoon!" He lept high in the air, drew his sword, and with one swift slice, chopped off Croque's head.

"He killed Croque!"
"Croque's not dead - he's only offline. We've got other troubles to worry about," said Em' as she grabbed her sword from the table - "you take the left, Jack..... Jack.....?"
But Jack had mysteriously disappeared.
"Now Dragoon, at last I find out your true identity!", smirked Nap', as he bent down to the severed head and with a flourish pulled away the mask..."My ...brother? Merde!" He kicked the inert body.

"Looking for me?"
With a flourish, the real Dragoon had entered the lab.
During the dramatic sword play that followed, Napo-Creegan and his giant servant stuffed Croque into a large sack.
"Look! He's getting away, DO SOMETHING!" shouted Em, fending off the last militia-man with a mighty kick.
But it was too late - the devious little clown-faced man had jumped onto the back of his giant friend, who then leaped through the fireplace and down the shaft, carrying the hapless Croque-in-a-sack with them.


"Croque MUST be recoveured before 'ee tells Napo-Creegan all 'ee knows, including my locacion - his circuitry 'as never been strong.." said Voice.
"Well then.We must find the location of Napo-Creegan's lair! Fortunatly I have been working on a new device..."

***

(LMRS)

The Dragoon nodded to Em. "Would that by any chance be the device you were working on all this time?"
Em nodded as she brandished the weird looking thingamabob. "It's calibrated to detect and locate any humanoid life form with a height below four feet. We should find Napo-Creegan shortly. Now, let's blow up this lab and get moving."

"Oh no," Jack cried. "We're not going to fly down the shaft again! I hate that! Can't we just take the STAAAIIIRRRSSSS?!!!!"

But it was too late. Jack and Emilia were in freefall as their old lab blew up behind them. Jack was glad that he hadn't had any breakfast yet.

On their way down, they passed by another one of their arch-enemies. A Betrayer known as Brogard.

"Ah," Brogard mused to himself. "It is the Daring Dragoon. The scourge of the Bailies themselves. I must follow him, and see where he leads. This might be my chance to end his carrier as the new hope of humankind."

***

(august)

As Jack plummeted in free fall, his thoughts turned to his initial training with Em.

~~~~~~

Em: So, Jack, are you ready to learn how to
sling your way through the shafts?

Jack: Listen, sister, I've slung my way around better places than this. And I'm the *king* of the shaft. There's nothing you can te-eee-eeeeEEEEEE EEEEYYYAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(as she pushed him off the ledge)

~~~~~~

***

(LMRS)

Croque awoke to find that he was just a dismembered head sitting on the floor. He realized that this was the reason why Napo-Creegan seemed taller than him.
The clownish figure beamed. "Ah dear brother! At last you have awakened. Now you will tell me all you know about that nasty Voice, no?"

"I do not understand this," Crogue mused. "How can I, a robot, be a brother to you?"

Napo-Creegan fumed. "It is I who shall ask the questions, you demented cur! Now, give me the information or I..." Napo-Creegan had to give this some thought. "Will use you for my next croquet game."

Croque quaked in fear. He didn't want his head to be hit from one post to another. He wished with all his might for the Daring Dragoon to arrive and save the day.

***

(Tblue)

Meanwhile, plummeting down the shaft at breakneck speed, Emilia angled herself over to Jack's side and said "The device is picking up signs of a small lifeform moving down below"
"Well, it is a bit of a rush, travelling this way - and with you in a dress and all - .."
"Oh do be serious Jack. I'm picking up signs that Napo-creegan is very close. Hold on to me, we're about to stop.."

Jack tentatively put his arms around her. "How do we..?"
Emilia executed a perfect mid-air roll, so that they were falling backwards. She took aim with a small crossbow that was strapped to her wrist, and fired at a ledge above.
The bolt flew up, embedding itself underneath the edge. A thin stretchy cord was connecting them to it.
It slowed their rapid descent just enough for them to land safetly lower down.
...

***

(LMRS)

Napo-Creegan had secured the last of a whole mess of wires and tubes to Croque's head. "You might as well tell me everything you know. I'm going to drain it out of you anyway."
"Now, now dear brother..." Crogue stammered. "I am sure that we can work out a deal. You were always known to have a good head on your shoulders..."

"And you have a lousy head lying on the floor!" Napo-Creegan stamped his foot dangerously close to Croque's nose. "Now...TALK!!!"

Suddenly, a hearty laugh was heard by one and all. Croque grinned, for he knew that the laugh belonged to the Daring Dragoon himself.

The Dragoon smiled as he stood in the entranceway of the hide-out. "So Nappy! I see you're giving head again."

Napo-Creegan flustered as he shouted to his lackeys. "Seize him!"

"I sees him," One of them replied. "So what?"

The little clown shook his head. "No, I mean attack him. Get him. DESTROY THE DARING DRAGOON!"

Suddenly, a nearby wall blew open with a thunderous explosion. From the new entrance marched Brogard in all his Betrayer glory. "Nobody is killing the Dragoon today. Nobody, that is, except me!"

***

(august)

.....and seeing this remarkale spectacle, Jack said "Say, are those two big blasters, or are you just glad to see us?"

***

(Tblue)

Brogard's arms then morphed into two pointy swords...

***

(LMRS)

Emilia arrived just in time to see the two antagonists begin their duel. Blade clashed against blade as Jack and Brogard engaged each other in the manly art of swordplay.
Napo-Creegan glanced at his lackeys. "Well, don't just stand there. You know what to do."

The lackeys nodded as they armed themselves with camcorders. They knew that a sword fight featuring the Daring Dragoon would make a pretty penny at the local video rental outlet.

While everyone was distracted, Emilia sneaked over and grabbed Croque's head.
Croque couldn't help but grin. "Ah, Emilia. To be held in your sweet arms is worth all of the pain and suffering I had to endure."

Emilia winced. For some reason this reminded her of one of those stupid science fiction shows Jack mentioned to her. Something called LEXX.

The battle took Brogard and the Dragoon to a nearby ledge. The mouth of the shaft loomed before the two battlers.
As the Dragoon fought, he kept the conversation going. "So, what's the deal with these Bailies of yours? Who are they? Are we talking Barnum and Bailey here? Why couldn't they have cool names? Like Cylons or Daleks or Borg? Those names always worked."

Brogard laughed. "Oh no, my friends. You who will not reveal what is under your own mask will never learn the secret of my masters."

"Oh come off it, Brogard. Your masters are just a bunch of robotic jerks out to take over the world. They're nothing new to me."

***

(Tblue)

"Silence you impudent fool! The surface has never looked so magnifique!!! Neat lawns, smooth gravel - if it wasn't for our big flying silver "Boules", that 'tres grande' french game of "Petanque" would never have survived...The "Boules" have been preserving Earth for 500 years!!!"

"Enough, Brogard - does it mean nothing to you that nobody can even survive on the surface long enough to toss their boules now?? Except those Dworques maybe... Well, I've picked up a historical trick or two from my OWN country..."

The Dragoon activated his Pelvic thruster.
The Betrayeur was taken by surprise. The added impetus of the motion behind the Dragoon's final sword thrust knocked Brogard off balance and he fell into the shaft, screaming "Dragoooooooonnnnn!!You haven't seen the last of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....... (thud) Merde!....... (thwack) Zut!........" - a tiny speck, he disappeared from view.

Stilling the violent hip motion, the Daring one whispered "Elvis has left the building..."
Then he became aware of a terrible sound coming from back down the corridor... Emilia was in trouble!

***

Emilia dropped Croque to clap her hands over her ears. Napo-Creegan was making unearthly squealing noises - "eeeeEEEeeeeeeeee!" "EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Croque's head rolled around the floor in agony.
"EeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeee!" "Tell me the location of Voice!" "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".....

Holding his hands to his ears, Jack sneaked a look baround the corner. The room was full of French Militia - too many even for one such as the Dragoon!
What could he do? Suddelny he was inspired.
He raced back along the corridor. The place where he'd been woken up... He was sure it was in this shaft somewhere.
Spying a stairwell, he thanked his lucky American stars, and began to run up the steps.

***

Candy and Bubbles were defrosting another cryogenically frozen male.
"This time we don't let you get away!" purred Candy.
"Ssssth! Not like that other one - Hey! There he issss!" hissed Bubbles.

Jack stood panting in the doorway.
"Ladies - I have a special little someone who really could use your attentions right now...but you must follow me...." He turned to go.
"Down the stairssss? No, there's a much faster way..."
They bundled him off to the shaft.
"No...not this...not again..."
"It's easy. Just hold on to our ankles!"
"Oh?"
They jumped
"Don't look down, you'll be fine"
Jack looked up unthinkingly. "Oh - " He averted his gaze. This was giving him the strangest sense of deja-vu!

So there they were. Petticoats ballooning like parachutes, Candy and Bubbles floated gently down the shaft with Jack swinging on their ankles below, off to rescue the fair Emilia.....

***

(LMRS)

Napo-Creegan paused in his torture to look at the agonized Emiliia. "What is this? If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you didn't like my singing. Perhaps you're not fond of the song. I'll try another one."
Emilia gasped as Napo-Creegan went into a cover version of MACARTHUR PARK. It was too much for her. The sound waves were affecting the receptor in her jaw. The pain was unendurable.

Suddenly, Candy and Bubbles entered the scene. They started to dance provocatively around the Militia.
Napo-Creegan glanced at his lackeys. "Well, don't just stand there. You know what to do."

The lackeys nodded as they brought the camcorders out again. Never mind the local video rental outlet. They knew that Napo-Creegan would want a record of this for his own enjoyment.

***

(Tblue)

The performance put on by Candy and Bubbles was so distracting, Napo-creegan's piercing voice was reduced to tiny bursts of "eeee-" ....."eeee...." as he watched on in fascination.
Jack unobtrusively scooped up Croque's head, and he carefully assisted Emilia as they sneaked quietly towards an exit-way.

But suddenly at the main entrance, a staggering silver figure lurched into the room. His sword arms were all dented and bent, where he'd used them to pull himself back up the shaft!
His head was none too steady on his shoulders either.
He was grinning like a loon. "I llove you guysh !" he slurred, as he scanned the room. His retinal scans hiccuped and blipped as he picked out the shapes of Jack and Em'... "Eshpethally yous!!" With an idiotic grin, he fell flat on his face.

Napo-creegan's eyes narrowed on the pair-and-a-bit.
"So!! You think to escape the Emperor of the Underground??" He started to jump up and down a little. "You have the INSOLENCE to try and leave without my permission??"

His jumps had turned into bionic bounds. He leaped into the air, and began to throw tiny knives that he had concealed in his jacket. They sparked redly as they made contact with the walls around Jack and Em... Croque screamed in a girly high pitched way. Jack swiftly clapped his hand over Croque's mouth.
"Now you will PAY!!!" shrieked Napo-creegan.

In slow motion he lunged high into the air towards the duo.
Em shook her head and smiled. "No. Now it's PAYBACK." She lifted her skirts, and funnily enough also going into slow motion, turned and began to execute a perfect backward flip.
Nap' saw the foot coming towards him. There was nothing he could do.
With an amazing thwack, Em's foot sent him flying backwards at such velocity, that the camcorders of the Militia could barely keep up.

He hurtled straight through a flimsy wall, and disappeared from view.
Em rushed over. Napo-creegan had apparantly fallen down an old disused shaft.
The Militia-men had no idea what to do, and in the confusion while Candy and Bubbles offered their sympathies to the bewildered lot, Jack, Em' and Croque's head made their daring escape.

***

Back in the new lab (which looked surprisingly similar to the old lab!), Croque came through the entrance, fully reassembled.
"That was fast", remarked Em, looking up from another new invention.
"Not at all my dear!" exclaimed Croque, "When our kind of 'betrayeur' model gets pulled apart, we can always come quickly together again!"

"You said it!" Jack chuckled as he sidled up to the table - "oof!"
Emilia elbowed him in the side.
"Well he DID say it!" protested Jack.
"Pardon moi, what did I say?"
"He didn't MEAN it like that"

( dialogue starts to fade as the camera pulls away to black )

"Excuse please, - like what?"
"Jack, must you always add innuendo?"
"I didn't add in my end!" - "Oof!"
"You know what I meant...."
"Squark! Merci bien, my locacion is saved!..."
"Has anyone seen my wig...."
"Em'! Is this a face that would...
"Jack..."
"Emm.."
"Jaaack..."
...
...
...

The end!... until the next exciting episode!
How does that do for a wrap-up to this one, LMRS?

***

(LMRS)

That was a hilariously wonderful wrap-up. It was wicked fun! Bravo!
The following bit is just me being silly. You have my permission to ignore it. It has nothing to do with the story.


:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)


Suddenly, Jack Stiles awoke. He looked around his surroundings, and heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn't the year 2525. It was 1801. He was in a secret lab in Pulau Pulau. Everything was as it should be.

"Jack? Are you all right?"

Jack nodded. "I just had the grandmother of all nightmares."

"Well get yourself dressed and ready. Voice has a mission for us."

"Right as soon as I..." Suddenly, the lady's words kicked in. "Wait a minute? Did you say, 'Voice'?"

Jack turned to see three women in slinky costumes and bare midriffs looking down at him. Cleo giggled, "What's the matter, Jack?"

Jack screamed.

***

Jack woke up screaming, "EMILIA!!!!!"

Emilia Rothchild raced to his side. "Why Jack, are you all right? You're shaking."

"You bet I'm shaking! What year is this? 1801? Where are we? Pulau Pulau? So far so good. Now, are we above ground or underground. Okay, I'm back. Do me a favor. If I try to eat rarebits again, for the love of God, stop me."

As Jack caught his breath, he realized he had one more thing to say. "Oh auntie Em, there's no place like home."


*******************************

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C2525 - Tblue