When Michelle was dying.......

Let Go
How Do I Feel?
Fly Little Angel, Fly

 A brief story about when Michelle died....

Click here for
A summary, with photos of Michelle's entire life
(please be warned two photos on that page were taken after she died)

If you would like to know more about how Michelle died, see this page on
Questions and Answers


I can see a change
That I don't want to see
Michelle is getting worse I fear
This is reality

It hurts that we're so powerless
We watch her fade away
She's jerking more and less aware
We notice everyday

We try to mask these signs with drugs
A fruitless task, I know
We'll never have her as she was
And how much more's to go?

It seems so cruel we have to face
Our little child's despair
So helpless as her body dies
Her soul go who knows where

I search in vain to find out why
Or what, or where, or when
There are no answers I can find
But still I ask again

We have a "reason" for the fits
A platitude of mine -
It doesn't ease the pain I feel
I've got to draw the line

I swing from wanting her to die
To wanting her to last
Then guilt emerges from within
More feelings from my past

If only I could let her go
A challenge I must face
Another lesson to be learnt
I'll learn at my own pace.

Copyright © Sharon K. 1996
(Written 3 months before she died)


We're waiting for death
To come to our door
Please come for this child
I can't take any more

Watching her fading
So slow is her fate
To see her distressed
Is a sight that I hate

She keeps making whimpers
And looks as if pained
She's jerking and twitching
She's lost what she gained

To let this child go
Is a challenge to face
My stomach has dropped
My heart starts to race

I can't see the point
Of prolonging her life
I want her to live
That's why I'm in strife

If I could just let
My life flow, and just be
This process I face
Would be eased for me.

Copyright © Sharon K. 1996
Written 9 days before Michelle died.


This little helpless child
Lying in my arms
Jerking uncontrollably
But still with all her charms
She cannot eat, can barely drink
Her throat choked up with phelgm
I dribble breastmilk in her mouth
I wish she'd nurse again
Her little mouth, it opens up
Her tongue it reaches out
A little drop just disappears
It makes me want to shout:
"Why does my child suffer so?
What has she done for this?
I can't believe she deserves this"....
I give her cheek a kiss
"I love you Shelley-Bell" I say
"Please go from me right now -
Don't stay here suffering this pain
Let go of us somehow
To hear this rattly breathing
And see your body jerk
Is more than I can bear right now
It really causes hurt
If only you could fly away
Tonight, and be at peace
I'm ready now to let you go
And from my care, release."

Copyright © Sharon K. 1996
(Written 6 days before Michelle died)


I don't know how I feel
Am I holding it in?
Have I already let it out?
I must now go within
My little 'chelly died today
It's been a long, long road
She fought and struggled to the end.

Copyright © Sharon K. 1996
Written 26th November 1996 - the day Michelle died.

then later.......


These eyes have cried so many tears since she has left my side
The pain I find is hard to bear, a hurt I cannot hide
It seems so cruel that life could take a little child so dear
Indulgence in this grief I have's not what you want to hear
You want me to get over it, the fact, my child is dead
You think that I can use the faculty that's in my head
You cannot understand why I'm so foggy in my brain
You do not comprehend that grief can make one go insane
You wonder why the house is such a mess, my work undone
You puzzle at my lack of going out to have some fun
I need someone to understand, support, accept and see
Within my own agenda I will set my angel free

Copyright © Sharon K. 2000

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