Tomorrow, the 26th November 1998, is the second anniversary of Michelle's death. Leading up to this, I have felt nothing much, as if I am "getting over it", as society seems to think people do when they suffer the loss of a child. Then out of the blue, a trigger to grief popped out and brought out feelings more intense than I've felt before - and just as quickly, an act of kindness helped them disappear again. I don't believe people ever get over the loss of a child. The feelings don't come up so often over time and the periods of sadness don't seem to last as long for me, but the intensity of those feelings can be just as intense, or even more so as I found out today. Somehow today, two connections came to light for me - one between birth and death, and another between being a mother of a child who died and being the child of a mother. I am so grateful that my mother is still alive and is still active and supportive. She has been there for us through thick and thin. This poem explains what happened today.
RELEASE
FROM THE HEART
I went to buy some presents
Left baby home with Mum
Then something happened to
me
That left me feeling numb
At first I saw some angels
Just sitting on a shelf
A few were more like fairies
I saw one like an elf
Then music changed to carols
"The First Noël", rang
out
It sent a shiver through
me
It made me want to shout
My throat felt like a lump
formed
Of something unexpressed
I stumbled to the checkout
Felt sad and quite depressed
Then "Silent Night" played
loudly
I couldn't hold the tears
"What's wrong?" a lady asked
me
"Child died - it's been two
years!"
"I'm sorry," she said kindly
"It's not your fault," I
said
"I've got to leave here now,
though
A pain is in my head!"
My tears flowed, through the
car park
As people stared at me
I started driving homewards
But very shakily
A sound then came out from
me
A wail from deep inside
Most like a "giving birth"
sound
No longer could it hide
Tears pouring down my cheeks
now
I sobbed, and wailed, and
screamed:
"Michelle, I miss you so
much!"
Like yesterday, it seemed
I thought "Should I be driving?"
But drove back home again
An urge to be with my Mum
-
To soothe my heartfelt pain
A cake was on my doorstep
For Christmas, as a gift
That cheered me up and also
Relieved a painful rift
Then suddenly, a friend came
Who'd also lost a child
Support and love were given
'Twas Heaven that I'd dialed!
Copyright © Sharon K 1998
