Tomorrow, the 26th November 1998, is the second anniversary of Michelle's death.  Leading up to this, I have felt nothing much, as if I am "getting over it", as society seems to think people do when they suffer the loss of a child.  Then out of the blue, a trigger to grief popped out and brought out feelings more intense than I've felt before - and just as quickly, an act of kindness helped them disappear again.  I don't believe people ever get over the loss of a child.  The feelings don't come up so often over time and the periods of sadness don't seem to last as long for me, but the intensity of those feelings can be just as intense, or even more so as I found out today.  Somehow today, two connections came to light for me - one between birth and death, and another between being a mother of a child who died and being the child of a mother.  I am so grateful that my mother is still alive and is still active and supportive.  She has been there for us through thick and thin.  This poem explains what happened today.


I went to buy some presents
Left baby home with Mum
Then something happened to me
That left me feeling numb

At first I saw some angels
 Just sitting on a shelf
A few were more like fairies
I saw one like an elf

Then music changed to carols
"The First Noël", rang out
It sent a shiver through me
It made me want to shout

My throat felt like a lump formed
Of something unexpressed
I stumbled to the checkout
Felt sad and quite depressed

Then "Silent Night" played loudly
I couldn't hold the tears
"What's wrong?" a lady asked me
"Child died - it's been two years!"

"I'm sorry," she said kindly
"It's not your fault," I said
"I've got to leave here now, though
A pain is in my head!"

My tears flowed, through the car park
As people stared at me
I started driving homewards
But very shakily

A sound then came out from me
A wail from deep inside
Most like a "giving birth" sound
No longer could it hide

Tears pouring down my cheeks now
I sobbed, and wailed, and screamed:
"Michelle, I miss you so much!"
Like yesterday, it seemed

I thought "Should I be driving?"
But drove back home again
An urge to be with my Mum -
To soothe my heartfelt pain

A cake was on my doorstep
For Christmas, as a gift
That cheered me up and also
Relieved a painful rift

Then suddenly, a friend came
Who'd also lost a child
Support and love were given
'Twas Heaven that I'd dialed!

Copyright © Sharon K 1998

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