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Ground Zero: The Hundred Acre Woods

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Ground Zero: The Hundred Acre Woods
A script by Scott Hayden
Based on the characters created by A. A. Milne

Characters:

     Pooh: a honey obsessed bear
     Rabbit: former carrot farmer turned survivalist
     Tigger: the recovering LSD addict going through depressing withdrawal symptoms
     Eeyore: once depressive, now happy and chirpy on medication
     Radio Announcer: the bearer of bad tidings

Scene 1: Rabbit's Bunker

(In the centre of the stage is a table surrounded by three chairs. On the table itself is a small radio/ cassette deck. Seated on the chairs are POOH, eating honey from a large honey jar, TIGGER, who sits moping, and EEYORE, who is listening to the radio. RABBIT is standing in the background. The set is blacked out except for a spot on the radio.)

RADIO: (Sound comes up slowly) ...Prime Minister Robin has just released a statement saying that the United Kingdom will not bow to pressure from the Russi-Asiatic Union, and that full support has been given to the United States government's initiation of full-strike nuclear warfare. Premier Dzchanko could not be reached for comment, but NATO tracking stations have detected the launch of Socio ballistic missiles, obviously in retaliation of the missiles launched against them. The first of the NATO warheads are expected to impact in a little over two minutes, while the Sovio's should impact on British territory in about five to ten minutes. The confirmed area of first strike are the Hundred Acre Woods, a national park. (Pause) (Enthusiastically) In sports new, Australia came back from a 500 run deficit to win the final in the ashes series. Now returning you a continuous half hour of all the hits of the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's, here on WDISCO, where the classics live forever!

(Music "Stayin' Alive" begins. Spot fades off, and lights come up on the rest of the set.)

(POOH is eating honey from his jar)

TIGGER: That's it. It’s the end of the world. Armageddon. The End. (Sighs) God, how depressing.

EEYORE: It could be worse.

TIGGER: How?

EEYORE:They could be playing something by the Carpenters.

RABBIT: (Reaches over them and turns off radio) Hey! What's with you two? We've got to conserve power! That battery is one of the only 500 that will survive this war.

TIGGER: Survive? We're not going to survive anything.

RABBIT: Oh, yes we will, This place's triple titanium reinforced concrete, with an oxygen recycler and purifier, five thousand gallons of water, and three years supplies in the fridge, Only the best from "Survivalist Monthly" for this place. My baby'll withstand a ground zero blast from anything up to a 200 megaton ICBM. We can sit out this war and be ready to go out and join the Pure Humanity once the background radiation's settled and all the pinko-fascist commie zit-head scum are dead.

EEYORE: (To TIGGER) See? That’s something you can look forward to.

TIGGER: Oh, God. I Think I need a pill, {Exits upstage left, then quickly comes back again) (Sarcastically) Pooh, have you seen my little black bag?

POOH: (Stops eating honey for a moment) No, I haven't seen your little black bag with your magic giggle pills in, and I certainly didn't move them to the bathroom.

TIGGER: Pooh...did you move my pills?

POOH: Oh, no. And they're definitely not in the toilet.

TIGGER: (Through clenched teeth) Thank you, Pooh. (Exits upstage right)

POOH: Oh, dear. And the doctor said that he was going so well giving up those pills. What were they called? SDL, was it'?

EEYORE: Mmm. Poor Tigger. I finally get on medication to cure my depression, and he gets depressed trying to kick LSD. That's why he was always so hypo back in the old days.

POOH: Ah, the old days. I remember the old days. Which is quite surprising, considering I’m a bear of very little brain.

RABBIT: Very little brain, but very much stomach. I remember when you got stuck in my door. That was what woke me up. I used to be so secure, so confident. But one night when you were stuck there, my back door jammed, and I couldn't get out. I thought to myself "What if I’m stuck here? I'll starve! I'll never survive!" That's what matters - surviving. I went out and bought every weapons magazine, every survivalist publication... preparing for today, Now, I'm ready... to survive.

TIGGER: (Enters upstage right carrying a soaking wet black bag) Pooh, when you said the pills were in the toilet, I didn't think you actually meant in the toilet, Now they've got all that chemical cleaner on them. My pills are blue. (To POOH) Blue. Do you understand, fluff for brains? (Hits him, POOH reacts to hit, but returns to normal immediately,) BLUE!!

POOH: Yes, I understand blue, I don't understand Tropical Hot Pink with Fluro Mango Green skirting, but I understand blue quite well.

(TIGGER looks mad and then gives up and sits down)

POOH: (Looks into honey pot, and then up at RABBIT) Rabbit, is it time for lunch yet? I'm feeling quite hungry.

TIGGER: Hungry? You've been scoffing that honey all morning!

POOH: Yes, but honey's not food.

TIGGER: What do you mean it's not food? Of course it’s food! You should knower! You eat it like it's water!

POOH: Exactly.

TIGGER: What?

POOH: Precisely.

TIGGER: (Frustrated) How can it not be food? How can you not call it... (Pauses) wait, what am I saying? You could be hit in the face with a wrecking ball and think that it was Shaq gone bowling,

POOH: (Struggling to understand) If you say so, Tigger. Anyway, Rabbit, is it time for lunch?

RABBIT: (Checks watch) 1159 hours. One minute to retrieve the food... yes, it's time for lunch. Tigger, go get the food.

TIGGER: (Stands laboriously) I don't see why I have to go.

RABBIT: Well, (Sits down) you're the only one up aren't you?

(TIGGER sighs)

RABBIT: Now remember; 150 grams of potato salad each. No more. We've got to ration out our food carefully.

(TIGGER exits upstage left)

POOH: Oh, I can hardly wait!

EEYORE: Me neither. I'm starved.

RABBIT: I told you we have to be careful with food.

EEYORE: Lighten up, Rabbit! We should pop open a few cans of baked beans, get out some drinks and have a decent feed. If we're going to spend a long time down here, we might as well start out on the right foot.

RABBIT: If we start off on the baked beans, we'll be on our backs, not our feet. Plus it'll burn out the air purifiers. Do you have any idea how much gas that bear puts out? (Points at POOH)

(TIGGER enters upstage left)

TIGGER: Well, however much it is, it's more gas than we have food.

RABBIT: What are you blathering about?

TIGGER: We're supposed to have three years food, right?

RABBIT: Right.

TIGGER: Where?

RABBIT: In the storeroom, (Points offstage, upstage left)

TIGGER: No, we don't.

RABBIT: Yes we do.

TIGGER: No, we don't.

RABBIT: I'll prove it to you.

(TIGGER and RABBIT exit upstage left, They are off for a moment before RABBIT screams. RABBIT runs back onstage with a rifle, while TIGGER rambles on after)

RABBIT: We've been sabotaged!

EEYORE: What do you mean?

RABBIT: The Food's all gone!

TIGGER: I can't handle this.

EEYORE: But we can't have been sabotaged, There's only been the four of us in here at all, There's no way one of us could have moved all that food, and who could have ... eaten ... it ... all ... (EEYORE, RABBIT and TIGGER all turn and look at POOH, who is blissfully unaware, still eating honey. He looks up)

POOH: Would anyone like some honey? No? (Picks up and offers a container) Potato salad, then?

(All look in disbelief at POOH. Pause.)

TIGGER: Pooh, did you eat all the food?

POOH: No.

(The others sigh with relief)

POOH: I left half a Snickers bar in the fridge.

(The others expressions turn to despair)

POOH: Oh, no that’s right. I ate that too,

TIGGER: I can't handle this. I can't handle this at all.

(TIGGER goes over to his little black bag, opens it and mimes swallowing all of the pills. TIGGER has huge, ridiculous grin on his face for a moment, before he keels over.)

POOH: Oh, look. Tigger's having a nap.

EEYORE: (Goes over to TIGGER and feels for a pulse.) He's not asleep. He's gone.

POOH: No he's not. He's right there.

RABBIT: What he means is we've got one less mouth to feed.

POOH: (Shocked) You don't mean...

RABBIT: (Nodding) Yes.

POOH: His mouth fell off. How terrible.

(RABBIT sighs and pulls EEYORE to ane side.)

RABBIT: Okay, Tigger's dead, But that leaves us with an opportunity.

EEYORE: I don't think I follow, Rabbit.

POOH: (Aside) Tigger? Hellooo?

RABBIT: All our food is gone thanks to Pooh, All that's left is you, me, Pooh, my gun and Tigger's nutrious and delicious carcass.

EEYORE: Rabbit! You're not suggesting that we...

POOH: (Aside) Come along, Tigger. I’ll put you to bed. (Drags TIGGER offstage)

RABBIT: It's the only way we're going to survive!

(Eating sounds come from offstage, but RABBIT and EEYORE ignore it)

EEYORE: But you can’t eat Tigger! What about all the good times we had with him?

RABBIT: What about all the good times we can still have with him? Imagine it: a bleak nuclear winter's night outside, the slimeboids outside dying of radiation poisoning, while inside, the three of us snuggled around a roaring fire, warming ourselves as three tiger steaks are gently grilled in front of us.

EEYORE: You're sick!

RABBIT: I'm not sick. I'm realistic.

(PAUSE)

EEYORE: We have no other option?

RABBIT: No.

EEYORE: None?

RABBIT: None.

EEYORE: At all?

RABBIT: (Infuriated) Look, we'll put it to the vote! Pooh! Get in here!

(POOH enters, carrying and "eating" a part of TIGGER's clothing or a part of him)

POOH: Yes?

RABBIT: We're going to vote.

POOH: Oh, alright.

RABBIT: Since Tigger's dead, I'll take his vote, and in the advent of a tie, we do it my way, Fair, Pooh?

POOH: (Slightly confused) I suppose so, Rabbit.

RABBIT: Right then, those against?

EEYORE: (Holds up right t hand) Aye.

RABBIT: Those for? (RABBIT raises hands)

POOH: (Whispering to RABBIT) Uh, Rabbit?

RABBIT: Yes, Pooh?

POOH: When should I vote?

RABBIT: Now, Pooh.

POOH: Oh, alright. (Lifts up hand with TIGGER scrap in)

RABBIT: (Not seeing the scrap) Ha! that's one against, and (Counting his own hands) one, two and th... (Looks over at POOH's hands and sees the scrap.) Uh, Pooh... what's that?

POOH: (Looking at scarp) What? This?

RABBIT: Yes. That.

POOH: Oh, it's Tigger.

(RABBIT and EEYORE look at POOH)

RABBIT: (Angrily) What?

EEYORE: (Conciliatory) Pooh, what did you do with Tigger?

POOH: I ate him.

RABBIT: (Maddening) Ate him. He ate him. He ate him, just like he ate all our supplies. HE ATE EVERYTHING!!! (Suddenly turns chillingly clear) I'm going to kill him, (Picks up rifle.)

(EEYORE jumps in between them and pushes POOH to run away.)

EEYORE: You can't do this, Rabbit! He's your friend!

RABBIT: He'll be my Throw-Rug!!! (Raises gun to fire)

EEYORE: I can't let you do this! (Jumps at RABBIT and the two struggle with the gun)

RABBIT: LET GO!!!!

EEYORE: NNNOOOOO!!!

POOH: Does anyone need a hand?

RABBIT: (Insanely) AAARRGGGGHH!!!!!!!

EEYORE: POOH! RUN!! GO!!

P0OH: Oh, should I leave?

(RABBIT throws EEYORE off)

RABBIT: Oh, you'll be leaving alright!

EEYORE: NO!!!!!!!! (Jumps at RABBIT)

(Sound effect of a gun shot)

POOH: Oh, is it Christmas already?

(EEYORE falls off RABBIT onto the ground, dead. RABBIT looks at the dead EEYORE and then madly at POOH)

RABBIT: This is all your fault, you stupid... (Raises gun)

(Sound effect of falling object)

RABBIT: This is it!! The missiles are here!!!

POOH: Oh, are they? Must have a look! (Walks over to stage right)

RABBIT: POOH!!! NOO!!

(POOH mimes to open a door)

POOH: Oh, look! There they are! Right above us...

(Sound effect of a nuclear explosion. RABBIT flies backwards and dies, while POOH stays at the door for a couple of seconds.)

POOH: (Pause) Oh, is that it? (Turns back around to the table) I think I like the radio better.

(POOH sits down and turns radio on, which starts playing music "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life", and POOH bobs along to it.)

(Lights fade)

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