Sheep Jokes.....
Last Edited Thursday, September 07, 2000 20:15:57
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HEAR A COMMON NZ SOUND
Hey, did you hear that Kiwi farmers have found a new use for sheep? They call it
WOOL....well fancy that eh? heheheh!
And do you know how they spell sheep???? They don't shag them for 6 months..LOL
Q What do Kiwi
Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?
Q Why were women
invented?
Q Why do farmers
like to make love to sheep on the top of a cliff?
A Cuz if you were
faced with certain death, wouldn't you want to push back?
Q Why do NZ farmers
like wearing oversized gumboots?
A So they can place
the hind legs of the sheep in them to stop them from running away.
Q What do you call a
sheep without legs?
Q What is the
difference between the Rolling Stones, and a Scotsman?
A One says
"Hey you, get off my cloud!" and the other says "Hey Macleod, get off my
ewe!"
Q What
is the advantage of having a sheep for a girlfriend?
A She
does not mind if you screw her sister
Q How do you
get virgin wool?
Q What do
elephants use sheep for?
Q Why do
elephants have long trunks?
A Cuz sheep do
not have strings
Q What do you call a sheep
without legs?
Q What did one sheep say to the
other sheep?
Q What do you get if you cross a
goat with a sheep?
A An animal that eats tin cans and
produces steel wool
Q What newspaper does a sheep like
to read?
A The 'Wool" Street Journal
Q What do you get if you cross a boa
constrictor and a sheep?
Q Why did the lamb call the police?
A Cuz he had been fleeced
Q Which side of a sheep is the
woolliest?
Q How did the farmer find his sheep
in the long grass?
Q What is a good quality to look for
in a sheep?
A A wonderwool sense of ewe-mor
Q Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A Cuz sheep can hear zippers from a
paddock away
Q What do you call 4 sheep tied to a
lamp post?
Q Why do NZ racehorses run so fast?
A Cuz they have seen what gets
done to the sheep
Q Why did the farmer commit suicide?
A Cuz he heard "There'll never
be another ewe" on the radio
Q What is the biggest lie in New
Zealand?
A I was just helping the sheep over
the fence
Q What is the smallest organ in a
sheep?
Q What is the difference between a
Limousine and a sheep?
A Not all farmers have been in a
Limousine
Q What do you call a kiwi farmer
with a sheep under one arm, and a chicken under the other?
A busload of camera-toting tourists come across
a Kiwi farmer in a paddock,having sex with a sheep. One of them walks over to the farmer
and asks "Are you shearing?" The farmer gets a firmer grip of the sheep and
replies with a snarl "Nah, piss off and get your own"
A white missionary was spreading the gospel to the
dark natives deep in the jungle. He taught them to read and write, and he taught them good
Christian ways. He particularly stressed the evils of sexual sin.
One day the chief's wife gave birth, and the tribesmen broke into the missionary's hut,
seized him, and brought him to the chief, where they threw him face down in the dirt.
The missionary was very frightened, and feared for his life. Not raising his head from the
floor, he asked, "Oh mighty chief, what have I, a poor white missionary, done to
deserve your displeasure?"
"You hypocrite!" shouted the chief. "How dare you presume to teach us about
sexual sin! Raise your head and look at this!" The chief held up his newborn child
who was white! The missionary knew about albinos, but had no idea how to explain this to
the chief. "I can explain how these things happen; please, let me stand." The
chief allowed this, and the missionary explained, "What you have here is a natural
occurrence - an albino. Look at your flock of sheep. All of them are white, yet among them
is one black one. Nature occasionally allows things like this to happen."
The chief thought for a moment, and replied, "Tell you what. I won't blame you for
the colour of my child, as long as you keep quiet about the sheep."
A Kiwi and an Aussie are riding through the
sheep country when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Kiwi gets off
his horse, strides over to the sheep, shags it, and them gets back on his horse. He looks
at the Aussie who is staring at him and says "Sorry mate, do ya wanna go too?"
"Alright," says the Aussie and gets off his horse, walks over to the fence,
looks back at the Kiwi and asks "Do I have to put my head in the fence?"
A guy has been stranded on an island for about two
years. He's standing there one day, thinking to himself that he's just not convinced that
he's seen the entire island yet. "You know, I don't think I've seen this entire
island yet. I think I'll map it out or something because this is driving me nuts, I
couldn't be the only one here." So he starts putting leaves down on the ground to
cover where he's been, and does this for about two weeks. About two weeks later, he comes
back to where he started, and suddenly realises that he's the only one here, for sure.
"This is ridiculous, I can't take this anymore. I haven't had sex for two years, I
gotta do SOMETHING."
So, the next day, kind of depressed, he's walking through the jungle, and suddenly he
hears a shaking sound in a bush. "hmm.... no, musta been the wind." So he keeps
walking, and all of the sudden, this sheep pops out. He stands there for a sec, and then
thinks... "You know, I've read about this, I've heard it's not so bad... well hey, in
desperate times, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so..."
He starts to walk over to the sheep, and as he approaches it, this dog jumps out of
another bush and attacks him! Well, the dog scares the sheep off, needless to say, and
then the dog takes off. Pissed, the guy jumps up and says,
"What the hell was THAT about? I've been here for two years and I haven't seen either
of those animals yet!!" Well, he throws up his hands and decides to go home.
Two weeks later roughly, he's out for a stroll, looking for food in the jungle as usual,
when he comes across the very same sheep grazing on a bush. Tentatively, he looks around
to see if the dog is anywhere in sight, and then thinks "Oh boy, here goes
nothin'!" to himself, and starts running towards the sheep. He's almost there when
all of the sudden, that same dog comes flying through the air and knocks him over! Well,
the guy screams at the dog, and the sheep takes off once again... as does the dog. The guy
jumps up and says, "I've HAD it! Stuff this, I'm not interested anymore."
Well, the next day, the guy's down at the beach taking a bath, and he sees something
floating in the water. "Hey, what's that? It looks like debris or something..."
says the guy, and decides to swim out to it.
When he finally gets to the debris, he finds that it's actually a piece of a shipwreck,
and there's a gorgeous blonde woman, floating unconscious on the driftwood. "I can't
believe my luck, look at this!!!" he yells, and drags her ashore.
Once there, he gives her mouth to mouth, and brings her around. "Oh, you've saved my
life, how can I ever repay you?" she says weakly, staring into his eyes.
He thinks to himself for a second, and says "WELL..." and explains his situation
over the last two years. Sums it up for her, and says,
"... and basically what it comes down to is, I need you to hold this dog..."
A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided
to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the
distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains
where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to
show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One
evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around
here?"
Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"
The youngster shuddered: "Ewwwww! How horrible! How can you...?"
The three men only smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realised that the tension in his groin
had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep,
thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".
He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the
nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep
burst out laughing. "What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You
told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest
one??!"
An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in
an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon
he asked, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
"Ya mean women?" asked the local fella. "We ain't got none. 'Round here
folks use sheep."
"That's disgusting," said the correspondent. I've never heard of such moral
degradation."
However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the
sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a
comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her, and tied ribbons in her hair.
After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his
pent-up frustration's.
Afterward, he escorted the sheep to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his
woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object
of many stares.
"You bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been doing it with
sheep for years, but when I do it you look at me like I am some sort of pervert!"
One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up and said, "Yeah, but that's the
sheriff's gal!"
A few months back there was an interesting trial in
one of the courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep. The key witness was
an old man who was walking along the highway by the farm where the offence supposedly
occurred. The prosecutor asked what the witness saw.
"Well, I was walking along, and saw this sheep eating grass, and then this guy walked
up behind the sheep quietly, and unbuckled his belt, dropped his jeans, and pulled the
sheep real close."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor. "Well," said the witness,
"they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. Then, afterwards, the sheep turned around,
and licked him! I never saw anything like that in my life."
Just then one of the jurors whispered to the juror next to him, "Ya know, a good
sheep will do that . . ."
Wally the ventriloquist was walking to the next county
after this county's fair was over. A farmer stopped and offered Wally a ride which he
gladly accepted. The farmer struck up a conversation with Wally, and asked him,
"Where are you going?" Wally replied that he was going to the next county to
find work. The farmer said,"I'll tell you what. I'm really behind in my work, so if
you would come to the farm and do some chores for me, I'll give you a bit of money for it
and then take you on to the next county." Wally agreed, and off to the farm they
went.
As Wally was working, the farmer came over to see how he was doing. Wally thought he would
have a little fun with the farmer, so he asked him, "Can that cow over there
talk?" "No," replied the farmer. Wally threw his voice and made the cow
seem to say,"I can too talk, and may I say that your hands are cold when you milk me
in the morning!" The farmer was astounded, but when Wally asked him, "Can that
pig over there talk?" the farmer replied, "Of course not!" Wally made the
pig seem to say, "Who are you calling a pig? I've seen you eat, and I don't want to
end up as bacon on your table!"
Then Wally saw a sheep, and when he asked, "Can that sheep talk?" the farmer
began to sweat and he said,"Don't believe a word she says! She's a liar!"
Three men are walking down the country
lane one day and see a solitary sheep standing by the fence. The Australian, says
"Gees mate, I wish that was Elle MacPherson". The Italian says "I wish that
was Sophia Loren". The NZer looks sheepish and says "Phoo Aye boys, I just wish
it was dark"
A blonde got tired of all the dumb blonde jokes,
and dyed her hair brunette, and decided to go for a drive in the country . On her
drive, she passed a farm with a field of sheep. She stopped and asked the farmer, "If
I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, may I have one of them?" The
farmer said she could have whichever one she wanted if she could do that.
She looked around and guessed "237" The farmer said "you are right, pick
which ever one you like". She picked the one she thought was the cutest, and put it
in her car.
Just before she drove off, the farmer said it was his turn to ask her a question.
"Sure," she said. So the farmer asked,
"If I guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A man strolls into a quiet country
town and is amazed to see only men, children and sheep. There are no signs of any
womenfolk. He stops by a small curly haired boy and asks him his name. The boy looks up to
him and replies "Baaaaaaaaaaarry" Alex Lees, ChCh, NZ
A farmer is showing his new girlfriend
around his impressive property, and is pointing out all landmarks of interest. He walks to
a solitary tree and points to the ground. He says proudly "This is where I had my
first sexual experience, and ya know, it was even with her mother watching" The
girlfriend says "Oh my gosh, what did her mother say??" The farmer looks at his
girlfriend and replies "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!"
A HELLUVA LOTTA REASONS WHY
SHEEP ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
-
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
-
Sheep never ask about your former lovers and then get
pissed off when you tell them
-
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find
a willing ewe
-
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation
-
Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
-
You can feed a sheep to a crocodile when you're done
and you won't get thrown in prison for it
-
A sheep is warm on both sides
-
Sheep don't ask "What have you done for me
lately?"
-
You can be a sheep farmer (aka polygamy)
-
You can sell a sheep when you're tired of it
-
You don't have to buy dinner for a sheep first. It can
be your dinner afterward
-
Sheep make the same noise all the time
-
You don't have to hide your credit cards around sheep
-
Sheep don't complain if you have other sheep
-
Sheep are always on all fours
-
No one has ever heard a sheep say, "Men are
scum."
-
Sheep don't expect orgasm
-
A sheep doesn't mind if you're done in two minutes
-
A sheep doesn't mind if you go to sleep afterward
-
Sheep don't have fathers with shotguns
-
You can kick a sheep in the head and it won't mind you
still calling it "Baby"
-
Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
-
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
-
Nuttin' beats mutton
-
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a
towel
-
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort
your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
-
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
-
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you
couldn't get it up
-
Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't
get it up for the second time
-
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
-
A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or
your pocketknife to open a paint can
-
Sheep never have a headache
-
A sheep won't give your favourite hunting shirt to
Goodwill
-
Sheep grow their own fur coats
-
Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
-
Sheep are "ram tough"
-
A sheep won't ask for a long lasting relationships,
and a sheep won't cry when you tell her it's over
-
A Sheep won't nag you, and a sheep won't tell you
you're doing it all wrong.
-
A sheep won't tell you to take out the garbage when
your favourite show comes on T.V., and a sheep won't ask you to cut the grass in the
middle of the ball game.
-
A sheep won't expect flowers or candy on it's
birthday, and a sheep won't mind if you forget an anniversary.
-
A sheep won't kiss and tell, and a sheep won't about
the other guys she's been with.
-
A sheep won't object to doing it doggie style, and a
sheep won't smoke afterwards.
-
A sheep won't wear a mud pack to bed, And a sheep
won't leave hair curlers all over the bedroom floor.
-
A sheep won't expect you to wine and dine her first,
and a sheep won't have her mother moving in with the two of you.
-
A sheep won't drink your last beer, and a sheep won't
ask to borrow your toothbrush.
-
A sheep won't make you say, "I love you," if
you don't really mean it, and a sheep won't write you a Dear John letter.
-
A sheep won't try to hog all the covers, and a sheep
won't insist you wear pyjamas to bed.
-
A sheep won't spend an eternity in the bathroom
putting in her diaphragm, and a sheep won't leave make-up all over the bathroom towels in
the morning.
-
A sheep won't insist you do it with the lights out,
and a sheep won't ask you to put a rubber on.
-
A sheep won't ask you where the blonde hair on your
jacket came from, and a sheep won't ask about the lipstick marks on your schlong.
-
A sheep won't care if you don't shower for a few days,
and a sheep won't object to an adult movie to get you in the mood.
-
A sheep won't tell you she doesn't swallow, and a
sheep won't tell you she's expecting.
-
A sheep won't ask how many other girls you've been
with, and a sheep won't ask if she's the prettiest one.
-
A sheep won't ask to move in with you, and a sheep
won't make a scene if you find someone else.
-
A sheep won't tell you she's got a headache, and a
sheep won't get suspicious if you tell her you're working late at the office again.
-
A sheep won't ask if that's all the bigger it gets,
and a sheep won't ask for multiple orgasms.
-
A sheep won't send you out for pizza at 1:00 a.m., and
a sheep won't insist you call her a cab at 2:00 a.m.
-
A sheep won't worry what the neighbours think, and a
sheep won't tell you to keep quiet because the kids might hear.
-
A sheep won't ask for money for the hairdresser, and a
sheep won't tell you it's that time of the month.
-
A sheep won't borrow your car and put a scratch in it.
and a sheep won't borrow your razor.
-
A sheep won't object to a threesome, and a sheep won't
accuse you of giving her VD.
-
A sheep won't be insecure about her figure, and a
sheep won't insist on getting on top.
-
A sheep won't ask where you were if you stay out all
night, and a sheep won't object if you bring another chick home.
-
And finally, a sheep won't ask you to marry her.
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