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The Stones |April 26th | 2006

...............Have you tried it with a carrot?....... ..
......................
......l.......The Rolling Stones in Auckland - 2000 light years from home.

Russell Browns blog about his experience at The Rolling Stones concert really gets under my skin and pisses me off. Not the blog, but those bloody awful people he encountered, who, lying prone on the sanctity of their recently acquired piece of turf, biffed crap at those in the general crowd who naturally, rose as one, to the rock gods' call
f**kwits.
I wasn’t there but I know the type of person, and I am more then willing to postulate wildly according to MY own predetermined set of prejudices and to make crazy assumptions about them, even though I don’t know them from a bar of soap.
I have encountered them on the foreshore where they have(‘we have fought them on the beaches’), in recent times, set up an impenetrable beachhead at coastal holiday spots I have visited for years.
At places such as the Coromandel, where they buy baches and replace the cheerful greeting on the beach with a steely but determined stare forwards, towards the next Latte. Where they complain about fishing, where they set about to immediately erect fences, physical or otherwise in the picturesque countryside.
Now, they are taking their selfish behaviour to another place dear to my heart – to the rock concert. Those who have been to hundreds of concerts and have kept our hand in over the years (me and definitely Russell) understand the fluid spirit of the rock crowd. But these people probably haven’t been to a gig for years and Mr Brown makes the point that they have brought their lame ‘Christmas in the park’ sensibilities with them. Shame on them, it’s the Rolling Stones for god’s sake..
The other thing they are doing, is applying the same protective and covetous concept they bring to the large piece of land they buy at the beach to the very small one they take over for the night.
’This is my land. I paid for it. Get off!’

I have some other Rolling Stones related stories though that are more fun. One about my own pants filling, non-encounter with them and the other about a journey a friend of mine took this last Rolling Stones weekend from relative social anonymity to the royal court of their Satanic Majesties.

The Ten Days that Shook My World

Last time the Stones came was about ten years ago, as they did this time, they were to play at Western Springs and they required (excuse me if my memory is faulty) that EVERYONE was seated.
I was in a band at the time that had just been signed to SONY by Paul Ellis of New Zealand Idol fame.
About a week before the concert our manager called me at work. He was Campbell Smith who has gone on to be this countries pre-eminent music manager (Bic Runga, and president of the Music association). He cut his teeth in band management with our band clawing his way from the bottom rung of the music ladder back off that f*cking ladder again.. yes, he learnt a lot about what NOT to do from our band's lead; ‘the laziest band in the world’ (Mr Ellis) .. etc etc

Anyway at this point in time we were doing quite well, great reviews for the album, signed to a major label etc …
SO sometime in 1985 I received a phone call from Campbell ‘old gravel voice’ that went something like this;
“Mate. How are you?”
“Indifferent, to be frank. I am at work. why?”
”I have a support gig for you guys.”
”Support gig? Do we want to do a support gig?”
“You’ll want to do this one.”
“ummm..”
“It’s down the road from your place. . .
at Western Springs..”
A pregnant, suspicious pause occurs..
Even though I haven’t got a clue what he’s on about, I humour him..
”What does that mean?”
”You might have heard of the main band..
”Oh. Yeah..”
”They are called the Rolling Stones”
If the last pause was pregnant this one gave birth to a multiple set of extreme emotions...
excitement, terror, wonder, terror, finally a physical response - nausea and ‘is he taking the p*ss’
”Bullshit.”
”No. They are a SONY band, SONY want a New Zealand SONY band. They have put your band forward. You are the only band they are putting forward..”
The terror emotion returned alone.
I think the phone call ended but it would be hard to remember because my head was swimming in a sea of unbridled fear.
I had been subject of a terror (ist) attack..
The next few days were awful. I don’t think I slept at all. I could see the concert very clearly in my head.
4 5,000 people, sitting down at Western Springs HATING us. They wanted to see the Stones but there we were, in the f*cking way, playing our ‘indie’ songs.
And while New Zealand bands are cool now, they certainly weren’t then.
Apart from on Radio B or in the very selected group who followed them, kiwi bands were largely hated by the general public.
Usually if I had a discussion at work about the band it would go like this.
”So your in a band bro..Do you play that Roxette song ‘it must have been love’ mate?”
”No. we don’t really play covers.”
“eh??! What do you play?!”
“We play our owns songs.”
”Do you play any U2.”
“NO. we play our songs. We write them. How do you think U2 got their songs?”
”oh. .. do you play ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ ? you must play that one”
blalbla…

Our singer had just left the band so I was kind of the main guy. What made matters worse was that we were inveterate shoe gazers.
I personally, was a shoe gazer par-excellence, without parallel.
God. I knew those shoes well.
In fact, I would be so freaking nervous at Western Springs the only way I would see the crowd, would be if they mounted a camera aimed at the audience and then stuck a small monitor on those damned shoes..
They would hate us. Weeks out from the gig I could already hear the booing...
To cut a long story short. Eventually they decided to get the Exponents instead.
It is something I am still very, very grateful for...
I am sorry. Now that I have relate that story it doesn’t seem like a story at all, you know: “wow remember back in the 90’s when nothing happened..”
But for me it was definitely a ‘ten days that shook my world.’


The other story relates to Matt, the son of the best man at my wedding. I have known him since he was about 2 years old. He would wake up then at night and while his old man and I looked at art books and listened to Elvis Costello, he would come out up to entertain us.
They were good times, the roasted peanuts were plentiful and young Matt was an enchanting little bugger, with an endearing other worldliness about him that we loved.
Now, some twenty years later it would seem he has lost none of his original charm, because somehow, armed with little more than his personality he managed to inveigle himself backstage at the Stones concert, ending up eventually, sitting in Keith Richards trailer playing his favourite guitar 335 Gibson …

His journey starts on Thursday night at the Crow Bar. The unusual typical mix of people are there; the winsome blonde, who wonders whether the guy she fancies at the end of the bar is metrosexual or just gay. The westies who are way out of their depth. The inevitable person from Shortland Street. The annoying barman who talks in an English accent and won’t pour you a f*cking drink without first performing acrobatics with the bloody spirits bottle.
Who makes you want to say;
“Put the bottle down, I am thirsty.”
or
”Make up your mind, you're either a juggler or a barman. You can’t be both”

Matt meets a guy called Alan.
”Hi . I’m Alan. People call me... Alan”
They chat, they get on, they go outside for a cigarette. Alan says he’s a roadie for the Rolling Stones.
They stay up late, or early, depending on you point of view… By the time they part company Matt feels like there’s a good connection there…
The following day Matt feels like testing his luck. He calls Alan up and asks him about a hazily remembered promise. One to come to the soundcheck for the greatest rock band in the world..
Alan;
”sure mate be at the gate at 4. I’ll get you in as part of the crew.”

4pm on Stones day, Matt is at the gate feeling like a chump.
No sign of Alan.
I may have been duped he thinks, and slinks away to a friends flat close by..

A while later his cellphone rings.. It is Alan..
”Matt Mate where are ya.. Get yer ya ya’s out ..I’m at the gate . Come on..”
Alan shows Matt around, there are introductions to the crew.
He enjoys the machinations of the massive stage production and tags along with Alan.
’this is a buzz.’ Thinks Matt.

Finally a couple of hours before the Stones are to hit the stage he finds himself in Keith Richards trailer..
He is with Keith's guitar tech and the main mixer checking out Keiths array of guitars..
He has a chance to play Keiths Gibson 335, one of his favourites.

Alan says.
”Let’s go outside for pipe mate.”
Matt is conflicted, he doesn’t really smoke pot that much, but this is Alan asking him to go and it would be horribly un-rock and roll if didn’t go...
So….
The smoke facilitates a sudden awareness of his situation. The crowd are arriving, there is a buzz in the air and he is backstage with the Rolling Stones! Yeah!
They glide back into the trailer.
And now Keith is there.
That’s Keith Richards..

The man who virtually invented the guitar riff, who in the 70’s defined elegantly wasted and also completely wasted.
What a legend. Has anyone ever had as many drugs as he has had?
Much is made of Mick Jaggers apparent youthful appearance but isn’t Keith’s appearance anywhere, at all, more of a miracle.
How has he done it?
Urban Myth has over the years offered various theories such as; he had air flown in from the swiss alps. Or had his blood changed every two days.
Now his incredible body is front and centre, before Matt.
Keith pours himself a drink from the fridge. It looks like Vodka and fanta, he says hello.
He has been acquiring guitars in Auckland to add to his massive collection, Flamenco guitars.
He turns to Matt and explains.
”I’ve got f*cking flamenco guitars coming out of my arse.”
W ho better to have flamenco guitars coming out of his arse than Keith Richards. He is almost more guitar than human...

Matt has observed that the entire Stones entourage are smoking pot in a peculiar way. They have fashioned bongs, in a style that is very kiwi , out of fresh apples.
The man who wrote “Wild Horse’s” picks up the bong of the moment and gives it a mighty suck, coughing finally and gasping for air.
Is this the secret to his continued surivival? The Smoking Apple Diet.
”I’ve been smoking apples all weekend maan”
says the worlds greatest rhythm guitarist.
Matt feels a need to say something, anything to Keith.
”Have you tried doing it with a carrot?”
Says Matt hopefully.
”No.” says Keith. “ I’ll have to do that sometime.”

Soon Keith asks Matt if he’s in a band.
”Yeah”
”What’s it called?”
Matt shrinks to a height only measurable with atomic equipment and says sheepishly;
”the Tuts.”
Then Charlie comes in.
That’s Charlie Watts the man who drummed on “Honky Tonky Tonk Woman” the first song that made me realise how cool drums are.
(Has there ever been a more brilliantly laconic drummer?)
(what about Ringo? Ed)

After some good natured ribbing, he challenges Keith to a game of pool.
”Excuse me maan. I have to go an get my daily kicking..”
says Keith to Matt politely. Keith the gentleman, who once rescued Anita Pallenberg from the appalling way Brian Jones treated her by whisking her off to be his girl in Morrocco, leaves the room.

What a great experience. I have
been backstage at Western Springs for the U2 thing but thats just U2. You know. Who cares? Sure Bono is some sort of celeb and I would be impressed if he had turned up at my wedding or something (also very surprised)
BUT the Stones are on a different level.
Later Matt watches the concert from the side of the stage and from the lighting desk and parties into the night with the guys in the crew, but nothing can compare to the moment our intrepid young hero met our decrepit old one and informed him what he should do with a carrot.

The Jimi Page

Small minded Bigotry,Hypocracy, Rascism, Sexism, Xenophobia, Poor Grammar - It's all here.

Also: Media, Politics, Football, Fishing, Quiz Nights and Gluttony.

About Me
Name:
jimi kumara
location: Auckland

more about me
The Song |April 14th | 2006
...................................
POP ART ........ ..
.....................
......l.................The Greatest Pop Single Ever

How does one write a great pop song?

Or because many of the legendary songsmiths come in pairs- How do two?

It is an important and intriguing question, that demands a thoughtful examination from a great intellect, but because we don’t have anyone like that – I’ll do it instead.
Basically - we need a tune and some lyrics.
Lyrics can be important; they can address huge world problems or be about the most personal and intimate issues we face.
Sometimes lyrics can remain dormant until we require them. Like when someone dies or when you suffer a breakup with a great love.
Then they pop out of a song and assume meaning.

But excellent words in a pop song are not universal.
Many just consist of babbling gibberish.
Either that or bubbling gibberish I can never tell.
(Note: Alfred lord Tennyson Did you go down to the babbling brook or the bubbling one?)

Crap Lyrics - exhibit A:
’I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates you’ve got a brand new key’

In fact someone like the late, great Roger Miller made half of his career out of babbling gibberish;

’My uncle used to love me but she died’

OR

‘You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd’


Mind you, some very credible songs have sh*t lyrics too...
’Mc Arthur’s Park’ is a song that is regarded by a good many people (who should know better) as the greatest ever written –
But it contains the line;

‘someone left the cake out in the rain’

What the hell does that mean?
What sort of cake was it?
Who left it there?
Even though it’s probably ruined, if we get some custard, can we still use it for a pudding?

Certain lyrics can make you think:
a lyric like
‘if you think I’m sexy…”by Rod Stewart - makes me think (in a cockney accent)
‘ My god. That midget has shagged some top birds hasn’t he…”

If you want, you can use irony in lyrics and have a bit of fun – like Morrisey did in the Smiths ;
“I broke into the palace…
with sponge and rusty spanner….
..
I like you but you cannot sing,
you should hear me play piano”


Eminem took it step further and assumed a character in his songs - “Slim Shady”.
This confused the hell out of middle America who prefer and understand things only in black and white. So, they sent it rocketing up the charts, first with that stupid old conservative standby ‘getting it banned’ and then they organised to have his CD branded with a “Parental Guidance Recommended” sticker - so that every teenager in America wanted a copy.

OK. To recap- To create a good pop song, while you can employ rhyming couplets, you don’t have to be Shakespeare, or even Shakespeare’s sister.

Then there’s the tricky art of finding the melody.
Where the hell is it? I know I left it in here somewhere. Did I lose it with my keys?
Again, let’s get back to basics.
Simply put, you need some chords and a tune.
And there seems to be endless variation on those few notes and selection of chords.
Not every combination works however. . . .
. .. .look at the music of Simply Red.

But persist, because when you achieve the right chord change and the perfect selection of notes you have struck gold, you have found “The Hook”.
That’s the thing that makes you want to come back for more, that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up (Hair elsewhere can perform tricks also).
Often you can do this be employing the cunning minor chord.
An example of this can be found during “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” by The Beatles (Georgie!).
At the point when the lyric says ‘I don’t know why – I , I ‘
The cunning minor is inserted with great success.
“Puppy Love” by Donny Osmond also uses this trick, with frightening, pinpoint saccharine accuracy.

The reason I am talking about songwriting is that recently, I accidentally wrote a Pop Song myself.
Pop is the perfect description of it, both stylistically and because it just popped out of nowhere.
Yes… just when I think I am past it, twilight, sun is setting, hanging up plectrum for good and so on… I go and squeeze one out, and, it’s actually quite good, plus annoyingly catchy.

How did this one happen??
The chords are a complete mystery. I can’t even remember recording them. I was just unexpectedly hungover a recent Saturday morning and found a sound file labeled, enigmatically - “untitled3”
I open it up.
It’s me banging some chords out on the acoustic and it’s quite good. Although the chords are mostly clichéd - good old “A” and it’s best mate old “E”, it does have the cunning minor, introduced slyly before a chorus.
So I make up some singing.
2o minutes later it’s a kinda decent pop song.

But good songs are like that though. They sort of drop out of nowhere.
’we channel them’ said that guy John Lennon…
…and he should know.
It’s almost like they were already there and you just discover them or release them just like Michelangelo’s said about his sculptures.

"Please Release me let me go.." sang the statue.. (Is this evidence that Michelangelo was gay or what?? Because the sculpture sure is..)

‘The Enigma of Pop Art’ said someone in the 60’s on an entirely unrelated topic

Anyway, it is said that ‘necessity is the mother of invention’ well I think laziness is. So when I decided to put a slightly more complete version of the song down on my computer, rather than use a drum machine or, heaven forbid, an actual drummer, I resolve to steal a beat off a song.
As I said ‘I’m a lazy bastard’ so I steal off the most obvious source EVER. One of the most sampled songs of all time, in hip hop music at least,
Led Zepellin’s “When the Levee Breaks”.
I just take a kick drum beat out speed it up loop it and Wella!
‘A backbeat you can use it..’.
The cool thing about using this, is that you now have one of the greatest drummers of all time as your rhythm section, So it’s me and John Bonham and work. Well recorded too.

The song’s about a walk I once took on holiday in Malaysia a long time ago..
We had come to this island “Langkawi” because a guy had told us it was cool and - duty free. We arrived by ferry in the main town on the island. Beer was only 40c. French wine was relatively cheap too. Glorious food was next to nothing as well. Cool.
The day after arriving, we travelled to a small place, with accommodation by a beach, at the far end of the island.
But because the area was muslim, they sold no alcohol.
Great. SO we go to a place with almost free beer, and then go to the only place there, that doesn’t sell it.
Anyway, we said;
”who cares? Who needs beer anyway!!?”
Well, after about three days in the incessantly tropical sun, the answer was a resounding;
“WE DO”
I said “I need a cleansing ale. Now.”
Julian and I called a cab from the other side of the island and drove 40k’s to the next village to buy some quenching supplies.
The next day we went for a walk to some famous Waterfalls, cascades, water slides in the hills, set in the steamy tropical forest.
Sure, it was a beautiful day, but something intangible occurred, something that I still can’t explain.
The circumstances conspired to put me in a glorious mood, one that was almost transcendent...
I remember a moment where I was walking ahead of the group. The Smith’s song with the possibly or impossibly ironic lyric “Mother I can feel the soil falling over my head.” was on my walkman.
It was a moment where I felt happy to be alive, a moment where I could say “I had an epiphany” except that, I had no thought in my head at all. It was all about the moment.
We saw lizards running across the path. We swam. We laughed.
And I thought to myself “What a wonderful world..”
Anyway here’s the song..
download / listen here
Not wanting to alter my initial stream of unconciousness -
It’s called “untitled3”
 
The movies|April 8th | 2006
(Please excuse blogging delays. Busy etc..plus am moving blog from next week.,,)
........................
Stories from Grey Lynn............ ..
..................

Last weekend we went to the movies without the boy. It was weird for me and must have been like taking a limb off for Mrs K. But were not gonna go rushing home at halftime 'cos we miss him too much. Time on our own is too precious for that. And we will see enough of that bloody kid in our lifetime.
We arrived in time for the previews.
One of them was for “Scary Movie 4” which I laughed all the way through. The other was for “Kinky Boots” which everyone else laughed at.
Why do the English like these twee ideas?
Something about a transgender black guy with a deep voice saving a shoe factory. If I said I had THAT idea for a movie people would lock me up, not give me money to make it.
Are their brains softened by pantomime?
The alarm bells sounded from the first words of the voice in the trailer;
“……from the people who brought you ‘Calender Girls.”
arghhhhh!!

The main feature was “Sione’s Wedding.”
It was about drunken islanders.
It is a sign of the maturity of our society that we can now make a movie about drunken islanders without a hint of cultural cringe. And kiwi movies are now constructed well enough that we can appraise them along side anything in the world without having to give it any special consideration ‘because it’s a kiwi movie’.
It hasn't always been like that.
It was my considerable misfortune to go to be invited to the advance screening of a very independent New Zealand made and Auckland based movie back in the 90’s when I was at university. The withering effect of time on my memory has meant that I have erased all trace of the name from my mind, but perhaps it’s a survival thing. Perhaps it’s just as well.
Before it started the producer stood up and basically apologised in advance for the movie and then said “it's not perfect but just remember that the director mortgaged her house to make this happen. Now enjoy!”
How could we assess it fairly after a speech like that?
It was embarrassingly bad and when it finished the lights came on, the director stood up and ... no one applauded. I felt sick. It was awful.
Then someone handed me a small piece of paper and said:
”fill in what you thought of the movie"
I just left, because there really wasn’t enough ink in the universe to cover the considerable issues the movie had.
But we've come a long way since then.
“Sione’s Wedding” was a good time, but it was not a great film and I was slightly disappointed because I came to it expecting more than it offered...
Nevertheless it was brilliant to see Samoan Grey Lynn up there, live, on the big screen.
But, there’s another Grey Lynn whose story needs to be told too. The Grey Lynn I am familiar with. The Grey Lynn of tired old musicians, of the jaded leftie, of the guarded cynic.

I have conceived such a movie.

The story of a man so mired in cynicism he is an emotionally retarded wreck. Trapped in his room, trapped in his personality, filled with self loathing.
I know what you're thinking: ‘that doesn’t sound like a fun way to sit in the dark and eat ice cream’ but he will evolve. There will be a journey, emotional and otherwise, from a sh*t hole in Grey Lynn, to other sh*t holes, in other parts of the world. Then, eventually he will return to his roots.
TAGLINE: Martin Phillips meets Forrest Gump.
… and Gump declares "lifes no box of chocolates after all"
No. Just kidding.

The movie will begin as follows:

Establishing shot - interior house - Grey Lynn.
The camera Pans around Darkened Room.

A dishevelled Scene. Clothes piled on the floor, interspersed with mouldy coffee cups, The floor around the bed is strewn with record albums (Televisions “Marquee Moon” overlaps “The Banana Album” by Velvet Underground, which mounts Miles Davis “Kind of Blue” ). There are books piled by the bed (“One Hundred Years of Solitude”, A book of poetry By Hone Tuwhare and a copy of “The Bone People” with a bookmark in it, trapped forever in the third chapter).
Eventually the camera stops at the figure on the bed. His eyes are closed but he has a cigarette in his mouth.
From the other room a voice says.

”Andrew! Do you want a coffee.”
XCU face

“F**k”

He says. His eyes sliding open.

“I’m bored already….”


He will be on the dole but will be in a band which he will consider ‘work’. The Band are called “The Mind Boggles”.
The band argue so much about what they should do and how they should do it that they actually do nothing.
Although, when they started they had a song go to number 7 on the Radio B Top Ten called “Bullshit”
Life is bullshit for Andrew too and it’s traveling downhill. His car is repossessed. The fines on his library card are so large he is caught trying to steal books from the library.

His conversations are marked by his bludgeoning irony and black observations.

INTERIOR FLAT.
The group are sitting around the lounge drinking wine.
Mary “Oh no! someone's committed suicide just down the road, next to Harvest Wholefoods.”
Andrew. “A vegetarian I expect. Suffering from meat deprivation. That, or they will have been reading a John Pilger book.”
Mary “Why do you say that?”
Andrew “Have you read any of his books?”
…I would want to give it all away too”
Mary “Give what all away?”
Andrew “Living”
Sam “What do you actually LIKE mate?”
Andrew “ Cigarettes, football and ...
Holds up his glass of wine.
Andrew “The unquestioning comfort you can expect from a glass of crappy wine..”
Mary “Women?”
Andrew “yes, The unquestioning comfort of a crappy woman would be appealing too.”


Then one night at the pub quiz he meets Lucy.
They argue about the answers to questions incessantly. Then there is a question about “Catcher in the Rye.”
Andrew declares;
”My question thank you. One of my favourites… ‘the handbook for the disaffected assassin!”
Lucy says;
”Aren’t all assassins disaffected? By nature? You know, you don’t hear of many happy ones do you? The contented assassin etc..”
Afterwards - she gets the question right.
Then and there, Andrew falls in love.
It is not just ordinary love, it is the redemptive love of a good woman.
He is lifted from the mire. He begins to experience emotions apart from loathing and hatred.

During a plane journey to play in Dunedin he is seated by the head of an ad agency.
Andrew tells him that “It’s all bullshit !”
The agency man likes it.
”That’s what advertising is, my friend - bullshit. But at least we are honest about it. Do you want a job?”
Andrew takes it.
His eternal irony holds him in good steed at the ad agency. He is promoted.
His journey begins..

The film has a catchy title. It will be called;

................................

It’s such a great title Harvey Weinstein wants to produce the movie.
Late one night him and his cigar phone up.
The cigar speaks first.
”I think I speak for all of us when I say this will be a special project but I wonder . .
will there be a part for some tobacco?”
”yes of course. He smokes rollies..
and later he can smoke tailor mades and then cigars, mirroring his upward climb.”
”I like it!” Says Harvey hanging up the phone.

The debate over casting the lead is troublesome.
Weinstein wants John Cusack, but we put him off saying he’s over exposed in such a role.
”It’s too similar to “High Fidelity” Harvey we say”
Then Weinstein hears the phrase all producers dread;
“Why don’t we cast a kiwi lead?”
But inspite of Joel Tobeck no one can be found.

Eventually we settle on Paul Bettany from “Master and Commander”.
Bettany is English which is perfect for all the whinging he has to do.
If French is the language of love then English is the accent for moaning and whining.
Rene Zellweger plays Lucy.
A method actor, she studies the cab drivers accent on the way in from the airport. By the time she gets to Royal Oak she is able to do the voice of an Indian who used to be a nuclear physicist perfectly.

Informed she has the wrong accent she works at Occam for a week to study the mannerisms of the correct Grey Lynn girl.
When the week is up she can ignore patrons while texting with the best of ‘em.

Playing the real sex card

The role of the manipulative boss’s daughter who steals Andrew away from Lucy can be filled by Paul Bettany’s real wife Jennifer Connelly.
This can lead to rumours that the sex scenes are real (which we put out) that will do wonders for the movie at the box office.

What a film it will be and who doesn’t identify with the story of a poor miserable w*nker who becomes a rich miserable one.

It will be a blockbuster.

Footnote:
Legend Ken Stewart got married last weekend. I have known him for years and, gather more than two of Ken's friends together and the stories will flow.
For instance you will have heard the phrase "beached" which is in common usage to describe a large leather swathed person who has passed out at the door of a pub.
That has it's deriviation from Ken.
Unfortunately, in spite of Ken's desparate pleading I was unable to attend, but the Jimi Page sent it's best man instead- fine song writer, bon vivant, racconteur, and wine snob- Little Ross Hollands.
I am expecting a match report presently.
I wish Ken and his bride well.
To her I say:
The road may be long and there will be probably be obstacles on the way
BUT ....
it will never be boring.

and to KEN;

"E whenua pirangi o whangai parahiki tiki utu e toku merena koha!"

click for translation
 

The Smile | March 26th | 2006
(Please excuse blogging delays. I have been in dispute with my ISP and disconnected from net)
......................
The Charm Offensive......
........ ..................... ..
.......................

Just when I thought our son Harry could be no cuter, he learns to smile and takes it all to a new level of endearment.
I had got home from work and was ready to give him a firm lecture on the need for sleep.
The previous night had been a disaster, most parents will know what I mean; crying, cooing and howling punctuated by seemingly miniscule, snatched moments of rest.
At about the 15th rude awakening I came over all Shakespearen and thought;
"Methinks he doth protest too much!"

The next day in a twisted recreation of time honored moments from MY fathers generation the wife would be telling him;
“Daddy will be home soon and he’s going to give you what for!”
I would show him my belt.
“This is my belt.” I would say.
“It holds up my trousers. Now go to bloody sleep.”

But, in spite of the best (or worst) of intentions, when I walked into the room and lent over the bassinet, it was Harry, rather than me, who let fly.
A smile. A beaming, goofy twisted smile.

If I wasn’t witnessing it myself, I would be sure it was my smile, coming back to haunt me.
And when I said a few words he did it again.. .

Wow.

What a trick.
I have made a lot of people smile in my life, laugh even, but this was the best one, hands down.
Then he cooed and smiled again.
Double whammy – and, totally disarming.
I would have to say that personally, the word, disarming, has been undervalued, till now.
It’s a smile that should be sent to the front of all conflicts to say;
“Put that gun down”
Hitler, Pol Pot, Dick Cheney – insert your despot – each would be rendered helpless in the face of such a thing.
“Captain. It’s worse than I thought. They’ve sent in the babies! Our men are dropping like flies.”

Any thought about a rebuke for the preceding sleepless night was gone.
And lets face it. The stuff I had planned to present correlating sleep deprivation with divorce rates would have gone over his head.
He is only nine weeks old after all.

It is, a little publicised fact that babies dont smile straight away. At least the information wasn't evident where I was looking. It wasn't in any of the music magazines and I have never heard it mentioned during rugby commentaries;
"Another rollicking run from Ma Nonu."
"and apparently babies dont always smile until around 6 or 7 weeks."

Sure, I can accept that emerging from the trauma of birth is no laughing matter and a grin at that time would be asking a great deal but why does it take so long?
Nature is usually so cunning in these matters. Like designing the young babies to look like dad to aid bonding.
Because, it is known that men find the early lack of response from babies disturbing.
And while we know a statement such as ;
“You’re the coolest dad in the world”
will take a while. . mere reactive morsels are required to keep the simple bloke happy.
So that smile is very welcome.. the first of a lifetime of them methinks (I like that word, and so underused)..

Todays paper contains timely news on a book about child rearing. It sounds practical and commonsense as opposed to whacky and faddish like others I have looked at.
Books with titles like;

Momfidence! : An Oreo Cookie Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting

OR ones like this

Horrible, and one thing is certain, Harry won’t be affected by anything which seeks to fast track him into the top class at school. I hate parents who do that to their kids.
I even hate the top classes. Filled with freaks and misfits.

Sure, you want the best for your child but I'm with Doris Day - Que Sera Sera ..

Yesterday, at the cheese island at Foodtown, I observed one of the parents mentioned above.
I was deep in cheese world, mentally debating the relative value of Brie vs Camenbert when I heard the following;
“Feta cheese. This is feta cheese. It’s a form of soft cheese.”
I looked around to see a woman addressing a kid about 7 months old..
”Goo..” the kid said wisely in reply.
Then she picked up a camenbert and held it up to the poor wretch.
”This is camenbert. It’s a soft cheese too.. But it’s French..”
I could barely contain my distaste. I all but spat on the floor in the face of such a garish display of vicarious sibling genius building.
Imagine the crap that kid has to put up with 24/7. Awful.

I cant imagine giving Harry a lesson in anything for a while although our midwife told us that he needed to learn to fart and I knew immediately I was the man for the job.
I stepped gingerly forward, into the limelight and said.
”Did someone mention farting..”
because without wanting to blow my own trumpet I can reasonably assert that I am a fine farter and something of a expert on the various forms and configurations..
If being in a van with fellow band members on tour has taught me anything it is the value of a good fart. When placed expertly under the nose of someone with a large discerning hooter like raconteur and bon vivant ‘Little Ross Hollands’, the fart can bring great happiness.
I have seen Harry’s Uncle Dominic with tears of joy running down his cheeks from such a thing.
A great way to break up the boredom of a journey.

Years ago I was in a band which arrived in Dunedin some months after a horribly premature death. We arrived just in time and were a perfect distraction for many people. With single minded purpose we set about destroying livers, arguing about music and making friends.

Mr Shane Carter. In those days he was no "Godfather of New Zealand Rock"
No. He was mostly an unending stream of abuse, usually directed at us.
(ie: we got on straight away)


Some of us were never quite the same again.
Anyway - I remember someone saying to me;
”You guys are like a breath of fresh air.”
and I said;
“You obviously haven’t been in our van.”

One day when Harry is old enough to understand about cheese I can tell him that story and I reckon theres a good chance i'll get smile out of him then too..
maybe even a laugh...

 

The Creek | March 4th | 2006

...........
Never trust a marsh with a moustache......
........ ..................... ..
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Every year Mrs K and I do the following:
We drive the car into town at low tide, park by the big pine tree and walk to the seashore with a bucket to harvest Pipi and Cockle. The beds there are plentiful. We have filled our bucket and feasted on Kaimoana for days. The secret, we found out the hard way, is to keep the bucket filled with SALT water. Our crazy idea was that you fill the bucket with fresh water to kill the seafood and clear them of sand.
Silly us.
Leave them in salt water and they spit out the sand, and furthermore they can be kept alive until you want to eat em’.
We have had them as fritters, in Fettucini Marinara with mussel and fresh fish and I have also made a Rick Stein dish which involves cream, wine and reduction.
Eating that dish involves eating, wine and expansion.
mmmmm..
The best way though, is steamed open in their shell and placed in fresh white bread with butter.
A true Kiwi classic.
So, we were very pleased when Chris Carter made his decision to veto the Marine development in Whangamata , because that’s where we go to get the seafood.

Beware of jet skis

It’s a great place and remarkably undisturbed. There are usually very few people there, even in the middle of summer.
We were there once with some Asians and they were SOOO excited that you could get free food.
The field of kaimoana is miraculously large, and I have long wondered how hard it is for a field of that sort to be established.
It seems to suit the people who support the development to call the area a “salt marsh” which sounds like something completely useless, somewhere Colonel Klink would have to go to in Hogan’s Heroes when he f**ked up. ..
“Klink you be shipped to the useless salt marsh in Whangamata!”
But what is the real story. Is the bed of seafood worthy?
I’m no marine biologist, but my friend Nicola is, so I rang her to throw her a few questions;
It’s Jimi Kumara here What do you know about cockles?
Nicola Rush . Bsc (and bar); ”They’re bloody nice”
she said. “ Tasty. With Sauvignon Blanc, delicious..”
Anything else?
”yes. They’d be great with a Chardonnay too..”
No. anything else about the cockles..
”They hurt your bloody hand when you pick them. Watch those shells!”
Are they rare?
”Not in my bucket.”
Her input was not exactly what I had in mind. I needed some dodgy old facts that suggested that cockles and pipis (alive alive-o!) are almost extinct. A concrete reason the marina needs to be stopped. I placed a call through to Jacques Cousteau, but he was a dead loss, so I decided to examine other sides of the debate.

The classic argument FOR the Marina is that by stopping the development the government are standing in the way of progress.
But progress towards WHAT exactly?
This?
”One day. . .. I hope that wherever there is an unspoilt scenic marine wonderland there will eventually be a Marina”
said my ficticious Marina Supporter from his four wheel drive.
”Imagine a marina at Piha or Wanaka. The Glory!”

oh yeah, and hopefully one day all the marina’s can link up and the coastline will be one big Wharf.

Also I don’t know about you but for me the word “Marina”conjures up some horrendous images (two words "SYLVANIA WATERS").
Images of fat men on a jet ski’s with a moustaches (how the jet ski got the moustache I’ll never know).
They will have gold chains inlaid on hairy chests.
In short, they will be w**kers.
Or muttony women in jeans two sizes too small tootering around on high heels talking in loud screechy voices. My fear is that the marina will place these people together in one place. One premix rum and coke will lead to another and eventually they will shag. (they’ll call it rooting).
Which really shouldn’t be encouraged.
Imagine their kids. Imagine boys in nappies on Jet skis with premix rum and cokes and moustaches.
The very, very new rich.
Yes. This is my irrational fear.
That the Marina will eliminate the humble cockle and promote the proliferation of these people.
That isn’t progress, it’s devolution.

 

The Creek | March 4th | 2006

.................... ..........
GIMME DANGER.......
.................... ..
....................... A rare scene. People having fun.

Last weeks South Park ‘Bloody Mary’ episode was in some way a moralistic tale about self determination in the modern world.
It is a tale with a lesson the Waitakere Council would seem to require as they seek to fill in a swimming hole because of a number of drownings.
It is symptomatic of the psyche of the establishment that they can even contemplate such a heavy handed move.
Why is it the f**king swimming holes fault?
It seems that in our society we believe that rules and regulation will solve any problem. But doesn’t that kind of circumvent any personal responsibility?
If a four year old kid drowns in a swimming hole isn’t it probably the parents fault?
Clearly something’s gone mad,
but is it political correctness?
Or is it the contemporary need for everything surrounding children to be safe, sanitised and padded to a maddening degree.
Political Correctness hasn’t gone mad – bureaucracy and parenting has.
When I think back on my childhood growing up in West Auckland I cant help but feel that they would want to concrete the whole of that in too, or have it shut down by OSH.
We were in almost constant peril.
We made flying foxes, rope swings, dodgy tree huts, and rafts, without a man in a white coat in sight.
We had a trolley race where one part of the course went across the road. A kid would stand on the road to say if a car coming. But even if a car came, in the white hot competition of 11 year olds trolley derby, we probably wouldn’t want to stop. We would lose valuable points.
Even if we did want to stop the brake was a pathetic stick that dragged against the wheel. It would either (a) not work or (b) snap off, if applied.
We also played numerous games on houses that were being built. They had scaffolding on them and were fantastic play grounds when you were growing up.
But because we did that stuff we learned a lot of lessons. We learned all about consequences. We explored boundaries. We became self-reliant.
Mostly we learnt where bravery ends and stupidity begins.
Oh.. and also we got hurt – a lot. I smashed out my front teeth and because of a misadventure on my bike – broke my arm.
Scrapped knees and various wounds and bruises were de rigueur. If my son Harry doesn’t come home with similar when he grows up I will wont to know why.
“Go outside and hurt yourself you bloody sook.” I will say.

Scene of the crime - The Whau Creek/ River

The Great Purple Speed Boat Story - (A Huckleberry Finish)

When I was about 12 we were obsessed with building rafts. We would steal any 44 gallon drum that wasn’t nailed down. Eventually we built our dream vessel. It was an wallowing, idiotic, meandering shipping hazard, and because it had no rudder, it was almost completely directionless. Once we had launched it we realized we had nowhere to go in it. So we decided to build a tree hut on the opposite side of the creek, The Whau Creek.
One day we piled our dinghy up with wood and set off across the water to build the tree hut.
“It’s like your Huckleberry Finn.”
I would say to my mate.
“and your Tom Sawyer.”
“Whose Tom Sawyer?”
He said rowing his way deftly through the mangroves.
Halfway across a piece of 'four by two' fell off the back of the boat.
“We’ll get it later” we said and carried on.
Landing on the distant shore we set about building our tree hut / platform on a tree overlooking the water.
After a while, a purple speedboat sped past us on the water.
“Wow! What a cool boat!”
In those days the only colour to threaten Purple in the coolness stakes was Orange. To an adolescent boy a purple speedboat was the River King. We watched it in awe as it disappeared around the corner.
When it came back around it was going even faster, but it was heading towards our bit of wood.
“Sh*t it’s gonna hit our plank” I said.
With great authority my mate said;
“It will jump over it. Don’t worry. A boat like that won’t be troubled by a bit of old wood.”
Wrong.
The boat hit the wood and somehow it launched the glorious purple speedboat into the air.
It was one of those moments where time seems to stand still and life is performed in slow motion, so that it will imprint on your consciousness more emphatically.
The purple speedboat became airborne and at the same time turned slowly over in mid air. It was a scene that was almost beautiful or poetic. Except, I guess for the owner of the speed boat. When it hit the water again it flipped immediately, until it was upside down. Then it started sinking.
“F**K”
Work on the tree hut ceased.
We rowed out to the boat as quickly as we could. Luckily the two guys in the boat were thrown out in the crash. When we arrived one guy was clutching a line going to the boat as it slid underwater. The glorious purple speedboat was sinking fast, the fashionable colour purple fading into the murky water.
We were terrified they would want to kill us, but of course they didn’t know it was our bit of wood.
“Thank god you guys were here!”
They said. We stayed with them until another boat arrived and they even tried to give us some money.
Unfortunately, the sense of adventure was so keenly felt my moronic mate told his dad what happened. He gave us a bit of a telling off but you could tell he thought it was pretty funny.
Had the above happened in 2006 what would have happened?
The parents would have had a conference.
“This is an outrage.” they would say.
"You boys could have been hurt!"
"How could it happen?"
The place where we launched our boat would be fenced off. The tree we built our hut in would be chopped down. Finally they would have to concrete the creek in.
“One day possibly someone may get hurt.” Said the councilor.
“That cannot happen.”

Piha. In need of a concrete solution.

Where will it all end? Piha is a much bigger danger than the swimming hole but luckily we have the solution. This is the way of the future. No danger - ever. No personal choices, just concrete.
I’m going to buy my shares in a concrete company today.
One day I'll be a rich man.
 
South Park | February 22nd 2006

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As a great character from a classic movie once said;
“It’s a fine line between clever and stupid.”
Which is interesting because the line kind of demonstrates what it’s saying. Because the line sounds stupid BUT it is clever too. Like the movie the line came from - “Spinal Tap”.
And it’s one of my things I love the most; being clever and stupid simultaneously, to be able to walk the line between the two, to traverse the gulf.
The master of walking that line, hell they dance all over that m**ther F***er has to be controversial TV show of the moment - SOUTH PARK.

I have been a huge fan of South Park for a long while.. Which is why it is so disconcerting and strange to have, what Don Brash lovingly describes as “The Mainstream”, placing their ignorant, grubby paws all over it.
When I hear Paul Holmes talking about it on the Radio it’s just plain weird. I feel in some way protective of the damn thing.
Leave the boys alone!
I have the need to circle the wagons in defence, to keep out the squares and the bores - the mediocre, the hoi polloi.
And it is disturbing that I have not heard ONE person on the radio, TV, ANYWHERE say they think the show is good.
In almost all cases they miss the point - completely. Various media whores and talking heads on National Radio reveal their ignorance. Poor old Jim Mora and Linda Clark show their true, unspectacular colours (Linda’s an 80’s shade of black, Jim’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt he brought on holiday in the 70’s) –
Assorted comments:-

“Its only a cartoon I don’t know what the fuss is about”
“It’s a pathetic show for kids”
“Below childish”
“pathetic”
“A bit of fluff”

I suppose though, that is one of the cool things about the show, the way it is sort of - in code. It’s a thing that some people can decipher and some cannot. To some people it’s a silly thing for kids with farting and to others it’s genius satire.
I fall squarely in the second group and regard Trey Parker as one of the smartest people on the planet and South Park as a modern masterpiece.
The Irony!
The Layers!
The Portrayals!
And … Mostly the laughing.
I have seen the offending or offensive episode, I downloaded it about a week ago. It’s mostly about Stan’s dad (mostly)and his alcohol problem.
It’s f**king funny. Stan’s dad’s performance as the drunken dad is a standout performance, deserving of an Oscar. The piss take of the AA message is priceless.
"I can't do anything about my problem Stan, it's a disease. I'm helpless"
It even contains a kind of moral about self detemination that Alan Duff would like.
What it is not about really, is the catholic church. The inclusion of the bloody Virgin Mary thing is absolutely, incidental NOT gratuitous.
I imagine they thought lets have him cured by a stigmata statue thing, lets make it Mary, lets have it bleed, lets have it bleed like this…
However if you had listened to the reports over the last few days you would assume the show was a pointed and premeditated attack on, and satire about the church.
What disturbs me the most is the revoltion and protest before anyone has actually WATCHED the damn show.
and almost no one has even watched A episode of SOUTH PARK with will enable to place the segment in it's unique, twisted context.

And the truth is if someone hadn’t said
“SOME PEOPLE WILL BE OFFENDED!”
Then NO ONE would have been offended.
The episode would have screened to the usual suspects who would have supposedly been either stupid or sophisticated enough to understand it and remain moderately unaffected. Maybe some stoner surfie guy watching would gone;
“Whoa my mum would freak out at this sh*t dude”
but generally nothing.
As it is I have heard a woman on talkback weeping over desecration of ‘our lady’. Why does she have to be disturbed? Should she be disturbed as long as someone somewhere makes fun of her beliefs?
And because these people have complained and the media have pumped it all up, as is usual in this situation, the show will now be the most popular South Park EVER.
Which is pretty f**ked up dude.
While we currently feel isolated, me and my South Park mates are not entirely alone in our love of the show. Harry Shearer, political commentator, incidental voice in the Simpsons (Principal Skinner, Ned Flandersand others) and himself a satirist and creator of "Spinal Tap" and others - has called Trey Parker the best satirist in the world and there is a review of South Park in UNCUT that says

“And finally, like humankind itself at the end of the long chain of evolution, comes South Park. A show so good it pisses liquid fire on everything before it. One of the highest, and lowest, achievements of modern civilisation. This, ultimately, is what Leonardo laboured for, what George Grosz, Honore Daumier and William Hogarth strove to achieve. Either that or it's a bunch of dumb gags about sphincters. But it isn't half funny.“

And really, American TV comedy is not exactly overflowing with creativity and originallity at the moment, judging from telly fare the other night. "Joey" is dire and that other one with Charlie Sheen is just the same gag ( A girl with big breasts walks past. A guy says something. Charlie says something. Cue canned laughter) forever. Soo maybe some good will come of this fiasco. More fans for South Park, less mediocrity. The just triumph of the clever over the stupid.

 
TV | February 16th 2006

............... ..
KUMARA NEWS....................
........................... ..
..............FOSSILS FUEL CALLS FOR ..,,,,,...,,,,,,..,,,,...CHANGE TO TV...........
...........................
......................."ere. Where's that bleedin' remote?"

Yesterdays announcement calling for a shake up of Television has been followed up by a press conference at the the Ponsonby Bowling club. The venue was chosen because it's facilities are better suited to the elderly.
It was a chance for the infirm and uninformed to bang their hands on the podium of New Zealand public life in frustration.
"Weve had enough" said the octagarian.
"I thought we didn't have enough" said the pensioner.
"When does the bar open?" said former Governor General Cath Tizard.
And so began the most long winded and also short winded debate ever, on the state of our TV programmes.
"There's nothing decent on anymore. Everyone is saying so"
"Give the people what they want!"
Joe Atkinson lecturer on TV studies said.
"You mean, give the people what YOU want."
At which point an elderly man shouted.
"Bastard! I didn't fight in two world wars..."
Their was then a minor fracas as the advocates for change vented spleen. Eventually order was restored.. During the outburst it was revealed that Sir Edmund Hillary had conquered everything but his remote, and had never watched a channel other than TV One. When they were quizzed on what they thought they would like to see on our screens there was no consensus, although they all agreed it would be something British and stood for a rousing version of "God Save The Queen".
"We want a return to quality TV programmes like "Are You Being Served"
said a spokesman.
At that point Broadcast Minister Steve Maharey arrived and slid into the room on the slick of his own glib rhetoric.
"I've come to give you an offhand commitment to send the ideas and indeed ideals, of this group to a select commitee. In so doing it will enter the labyrinthine corridors of bureaucracy which are kafkaesque both in their pointlessness and complexity.."
Confusion and muted clapping.
Then Dame Cath said."W**ker!"
Maharey continued, condescending to use common english.
"What about a geriactric channel?"
clapping.
"Now your talking.."
"It can have a cooking show for kiwis. A simple one. called "The Edmonds Cookbook" .
Episode 1 can be "Fun with Scones".
The group erupted into cheering..
"and it can have a show fronted by Sir Howard Morrison, which will be light entertainment"
"Very light on entertainment indeed"
"and he can get young people on and tell them they're fat"
The crowd was ecstatic.
Dame Malvina Major said.
"No one can do that like Sir Howard can. Who else could front such a show?"
From the back of the room; the unmistakable sound of feathers being ruffled. Someone was clearing their throat.
It was Paul Homes.
"I think you, my core demographic, are forgetting about me"
He rose from his chair with exaggerated gravitas, but was barely taller than when he was sitting down.
Temuera Morrison then said." Bro I heard Sky TV are in negotiations to buy an aircraft hangar to keep your ego in.."
laughs.
"Cheekie darkie.."
"You all know my credentials and here.."
Holmes produces a cassette player.
"Listen to this. It's me waxing lyrical from my show this morning about the Bali nine"
His voice continues on the tape machine..
." ........ John Howard that brilliant man put it exactly right when he said 'I dont care about the bali nine. I care a bout their Parents'..
yes.. their parents. Imagine it ...
and I can because I have stared into the face of despair, into the mascara laden eyes of Rosalee Corby, the Mother of that innocent girl Shapelle.
Yes, I have seen the despair there. Imagine it. It would be like.. well, like carrying around a small fridge on your back....."

The fridge. Ideal to keep your despair in.

Holmes then clicked the machine off like he had made his point.
An aged dignitary stood up and said. "Were getting off track. Damn that midget! We need to give the TV back to the people!"
Joe Atkinson spoke again.
"Dont the ratings tell you what the people want to see? They want to see "Celebrity Treasure Island". They dont want to see some BBC documentary"
"Thats rubbish! I was at my mobility scooter anger management course the other day and the verdict was unanimous. TV has gone downhill. it's on the slippery slope. My god. Adults watching cartoons .. what next.."
"here..here.."
Steve Maharey mentioned "Bro Town" for the 15th time and then a resoltion was passed to hold a 'bottle drive'and a bring-and-buy for the cause. The group also agreed to meet again in two weeks (Ladies bring a plate).
Eventually a representitive of TVNZ arrived and simply plugged in a TV which played some of the shows that had been mooted earlier. As Close to Home and Gallery played the mood in the group changed and when an episode of "Mc Phail and Gadsby" came on things turned nasty.
"They'd be buggered without Muldoon!"
Soon an ex Prime Minster declared."I prefer South Park to this crap!"
"Disband the group! Sherries all round!"
And so it was over.