Sport without Guilt | 10th June 2005

SPORT WITHOUT GUILT vs THE BARMY ARMY

“I was once sitting in my house in Grey Lynn watching a rugby match when my flatmates,two fine Arts students came home.
“What the hell is that?” They said pointing at the telly.
“Footy”
“Not in this bloody house it’s not”
“Get it off! And get the hell out of here! And take your masculinity with you.”
I walked off emasculatedly into the cold. The sound of camomile tea infusing quietly in the background”

It may be hard to believe but stories such as the one above were once commonplace, especially in the inner city where at one stage, being a man was almost illegal(the epicentre of anti-sport tyranny was Harvest Whole Foods). To combat the rampant persecution, a group was formed.
A group that came to be known as “Sport without Guilt”.
Over the years, we have had to endure many an attack, but today, we celebrate our 10th year in action.

Some of our Achievements
- half time meat
- The Lee Stensness Award

Most tiresome anti-rugby argument: “ Why do you want to watch a bunch of men chasing a bladder of air around?”

I'm sorry but everything can be reduced to an existential fiasco if you want to..
Especially arty . . . .
“Poetry ... Why?”
Or, show them any of a number of pieces of modern art and ask for an explanation.
?
Carl Andres "trabum" OR a pile of bricks...either way - more important the A.B.’s? - I don’t think so..”

The first official S.W.G. gathering will be for the first Lions’ test. Where speed, skill and talent combined with a desire to play modern 15 man ‘complete football’ should win against a Clive Woodward style that wants to ‘slow the game down’ and mince slowly up the field with the forwards until they can kick a drop goal.
Here’s hoping anyway, because having to put up with a smarmy Clive Woodward after a win will be very hard to stomach.

To find a person more annoying than Clive Woodward look no further than Welsh writer, Stephen Jones.
WANKER!

"Mr Wanker to you"
("All Black scrum "powder puff)

Jones seems to be the leading spokesman for this idea that New Zealanders don’t know how to scrummage anymore; are “mere boys” and that the Super 12 is a frivolous exercise for pansies.
He seems particularly disturbed by our ungentlemanly habit, in the Super 12, of scoring those annoying bloody things, tries.
While some criticism of the Super 12 is justified. Eventual winners of the competition, the Crusaders could compete with any side in the world, including the Lions. Let alone a team from the Heineken Cup.
As for the scrummaging issue, that didn’t appear to be a problem for the ‘Naki' who shoved the Lions all over the park on Wednesday night.
I would say 'I want the All Blacks to wipe that smile off his face' but he doesn’t appear to have one.

THE BARMY ARMY
I have had an encounter with the Barmy army I would describe as slightly scary but at the same time, satisfyingly clichéd.
The group I came into contact with was more a small isolated platoon than an actual army but, even though it was lunchtime they seemed intent on getting pissed in a very single minded way (rather than the casual almost lackadaisical way I get drunk).

Barmy?
I am always suspicious of people who declare themselves ‘crazy’, you know ‘mad bastards’, I’m mad me, etc..
They are invariably not mad or crazy at all. Will laugh at crap jokes “Look he’s got a bra on...priceless.” and are probably actually accountants or something equally sensible.
On the extreme end of this troubling trend are people who call themselves ‘wacky’. They will usually be thespians. Can be known to juggle, stilt walk or play with fire (often simultaneously) and inevitably come from Wellington.
New Zealand Idol judge Jackie Clarke is one such person and is to be avoided at all costs.

...."Mad Bastard"
......(accused of 80's clothes abuse.)

The ‘leader’ of the Barmy army, former London policeman Freddie Parker has a personality I would characterize as ‘mad bastard’/borderline ‘wacky’.
His repertoire includes singing stupid songs every time a camera is pointed his way and making jokes about sheep. Hilarious.

In my encounter, the barmy platoon greeted me at the bar with an “alwight?”
Followed by “Whose gonna win the series then mate?”
Before I could answer, his companion started yelling
“England” (not playing actually, mate)
Then they all started yelling something about the Lions.
I basically left them to it and went back to our table before I had said ‘owt’.
When the supporting Army divisions do arrive in their thousands - god help us.

Sect and Violence | 3rd June 2005

....

I may be on to something that will overshadow anything this 'deep throat' fellow ever achieved with his mates from the Washington Post.
Something secret, something dark, something...
I rediscovered THE ITEM BELOW in my extensive archives. It is an advertisement from a little known Monty Python Booklet from the 70's. PythonPythe

I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP- Goch .... the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENCE that requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage
	WHO IS THIS MAN? This is the LLAP-GOCH MASTER who will reveal to YOU ONLY the SECRETS of LLAP-GOCH. He is a fully qualified leek coloured belt first dai master and cares nothing for penal reform.

---------------------------------------------------
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again? It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple l-D-E-A, which is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the most VlTAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore . . . the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU . . . Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banish Inadequacy No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating and ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be out-manoeuvred in political debate!! GOOD BYE HUMILIATION, Wisecracking bullies, Karate experts, boxing champions, sarcastic vicars, traffic wardens; entire panzer divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW do I learn? No, you mean 'How do You Learn'. I know already.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only a FOUR-SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day! and you will be ready to HARM people
DEVELOP UP TO 38 BICEPS
GROW UP TO 12" TALLER
LOSE UP TO 40" OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS
GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU CARE TO THINK OF PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE 'UP TO' CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER'NOUGHT'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was studying this ad and wondering whether to send away some money, when it occured to me that the ideas here resembled VERY closely the defence policy of the US. Eventually I said to my self, in capital letters -

"IS GEORGE BUSH A LLAP-GOCH MASTER?!

Lets look at the facts.

LLap-Goch requires NO INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage.
tick,tick,tick.
Bush is not a BIG MAN and his limited intelligence is a matter of public record. Look at the following quotes which he may have said -

"And one of the things we've got to make sure that we do is anything"

"We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end"

In recent times, only Dan Quayle was a more fully ACCOMPLISHED IDIOT.

"I was recently on a tour of latin America, and the only
regret I have was that I didn't study latin harder in school so that I could converse with these people"
---------------------------------------------------
Now lets look at the central maxim of the Llap-Goch doctrine -

the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU . . . Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!!

Sound Familiar? The good people of Iraq had NO INTENTION of invading the US and yet George Bush resolved to attack their country, and BRING THEM FREEDOM - even if he had to kill every last one of them to do it.



What about Guantanamo Bay? The policy there is surely an extension of this thinking as well.
ARREST AND DETAIN citizens before they have even contemplated attacking you and yours. Anecdotal evidence from left wing websites suggests many of those detained are HARMLESS - farmers, toilet attendents and even HAIRDRESSERS.
My last haircut was bloody awful, but would I want my hairdresser, Fabio, to go there and have to wear a GARISH SHADE OF ORANGE?
Of course not. It would kill him to be that unfashionable.

FACE THE FACTS - the new-world-order power now lies with those who belong to this secretive sect (is there any other kind?). Forget the FREEMASONS. They have NO POWER anymore because everyone uses concrete.

I wouldn't be surprised if Dick Cheney, Condolessa Rice (if ever a name was an anagram of something it's that one)
and Wolfowitz belong as well.

Watch this space.. SOMETHING is out there...we just have to find out what it is..

The All Blacks| 24th June 2005

FLOODGATES?

Today we talk exclusively about the rugby, the All Black's, the Lions and the current tour with rugby philosopher and historian - Byron Churchill and raconteur Little Ross Hollands.

The Jimi Page: Sport without guilt members will be aware that we have long talked about a game of rugby where, our superior skill level and speed around the park is allied with complete commitment and teamwork resulting in a brand of sublime rugby that could seem almost the stuff of fiction. We call that game "Floodgates" because of the resulting score and I think it is worth asking, considering the performances in the first test of the series, will we see "floodgates" this weekend?
BC: The All Blacks have shown in Saturdays game and against France last year that we may have a side that will at last live up to the Great All Black Potential and take an opposion team completely apart.
LRH: That could prove difficult against the current Lions team because they are apart already.
BC:True
LRH: We can only hope that during the week they can do enough to patch the team back together so that we can dismantle them on the weekend again.

The Jimi Page: The All Blacks are said to be "Innovators"
because of the way we can produce milestone sides which seem to redefine the way the game is played. Will these All Black's then "get it on" and possibly be "innovators" as well, and take rugby to another level?
BC:I dont think the term is strictly correct because if you look at the history of the game, the style the classic sides come up with is remarkably similar. It is more like we return to the same theme and just execute it better. This will invariably involve an increase in skill level and athleticism resulting in a faster game pace and more complete involvement in the game right across the park.
Unbelievably - this philosophy originates with one of the original All black teams, one of the most famous of them all - the 1905 "invincibles". Their failure to kick the ball away and the ability for all of the players to run and score tries led one journalist to call them "All Backs". Hence the name.
LRH: The Invincibles?
BC: no. All Blacks!
LRH: No all blacks in the invincibles that can't be right..
BC: idiot!!
LRH: (Standing up) Mr Idiot to you !

went over there and fucked them up

The Jimi Page: All right calm down please..
LRH: As Fred Allen has said - "rugby is a very simple game". We need to GO OVER THERE AND @@#$%!!(FUCK) THEM UP
BC: Ok. Over the years "the innovators" sides invariably played rugby of this style.
From the World War Two Army team, through Fred Allen coached sides to, more recently, the World Cup winning 1987 team and the great All Black team of 1995-97 all demonstrated to varying degrees this style of "innovation".

The Jimi Page: I often compare us to the Brazilian soccer team and in some ways to ajax. what do you think?
LRH: (laughs) I prefer the new orange spray on cleanser.
BC: I presume you are relating here to the total football style used a by the great dutch soccer team from the 70's Ajax. The comparison is valid one because 2005 All Blacks take the 15 man "total football" theme along it's logical evolution because now as well as having forwards running like backs..
LRH: take a bow Kevin Mealamu..
BC: ..you also see backs like Umaga playing as forwards and cleaning out at ruck time.
LRH: hence the ajax.
BC: Tana's "cleaning" job on Brian O'Driscoll would not have probably happened, even a few years ago.
LRH: the british wish it still hadn't happened....
Anyway..Why 15 man football? Why dont we play 10 man footy and have four players left over at the end?
BC: I dont think the New Zealand public would tolerate it
The Jimi Page: Which brings us to the Brazilian soccer parallel.
LRH: Please explain.... in words of one syllable..
The Jimi Page: They.. like us have a surfeit of riches in terms of players with skill. The people they leave out of their soccer team are as astonishing as the people they have in it and the team are not only expected to win they are expected to win with style and a certain panache playing what they call "Bonito Jogo”" or the beautiful game.
LRH:(Hollands lets out a loud fart and laughs)wicked!..
BC: cant smell a thing..
The Jimi Page: nothing..
LRH: bugger..
BC: Famously the Brazilian soccer team that WON the world cup in 1994 were slated at home for the boring style which they played.
New Zealanders, of course, are not THAT obsessed with style over content. We still enjoy old fashioned tight arm-wrestle forward battles and if we were in a world cup final and ground out an ugly win, who would care?
The Jimi Page: But, at the same time, if the All Blacks were to adopted a "ten man rugby, "we-need-to-slow-the-game-down" approach there would eventually be outrage,
BC: yes.. exactly..on talkback radio at least....
LRH: At SWG we would burn our chops at half-time in disgust...
The Jimi Page: getting back to the "floodgates" thing.. I think we almost achieved it in 1996 at athletic park.
BC: against a very good australian side..
The Jimi Page: yes. in attrocious conditions we won 43-6..
LRH: fuck. that was a beauty.
BC: a very, very good game.
LRH: no,no. i just did another fart...
The Jimi Page: This brings me to the current Lions team. Worshipping at the altar of Sir Clive Woodward this team inevitably follows the pedestrian and dull style his english team has adopted as it's own. Our friend welsh writer Steve Jones has made something of career out of lambasting Southern Hemisphere play. Where he writes articles such as "Super 12 hype versus Heineken Cup power" is he in some ways correct about our game?
BC: no. it's a complete falsehood and fabrication.
LRH: and it's wrong as well.
The Jimi Page: My perfect game would involve intelligent rapid play, invention, and many and varied tries...
LRH: In my game we JUST GO OVER THERE AND @#%$! (FUCK) THEM UP.
The Jimi Page: What do you imagine Stephen jones's perfect game would be like?
BC: I imagine his perfect footy game would be one where, extending the english desire to reduce the pace of the game down, the game slows down so much it actually stops. Presumably in a pile in the middle of the field with a large homoerotic ruck of "real men"...
The Jimi Page: Do you think he's gay?
LRH: no-one would be happy with the way the lions are playing.
The Jimi Page: homosexual?
BC: thanks. I'm trying to give them up..

Leighton Smith
(Some of his best friends are
maoris)

Next | Post:
Friday 22nd July
Old | Posts:
David Lange
food
Election
TV Stories
Fatherhood
News Recap
Smacking Debate
Michael Jackson
The Barmy Army/ Sport without Guilt
George Bush
Schapelle Corby
Rugby Philosophy


RAYGUN WEBSITE HERE

Send feedback

GO THE ALL BLACKS!!!!

JIMI RECOMMENDS

Chicken Pie
THE FRIDGE
in Kingland has a pie that should contain a "do not drive while eating this pie"
warning.
It is oh-my-god-I-dont-care-if-I-run-off-the road-and-crash-my-car good.

Feedback:

M.T. Bowel writes:

You asked for feedback - I like your site and incoherent
ramblings.
After reading your last post I've deliberated over an
anagram for Condolezza Rice.
The name Condolezza is an abberration of the mesopotamian
'Condolessa'. Using this spelling (and including her
surname) the possible anagram combinations are:

1) old as crones
2) second oil scare
3) scores oil dance

Of course, if you substitute each letter for it's opposite
at the other end of the alphabet (ie: 'a'; becomes 'z', and
'b' becomes 'y' etc) the result is "Bush bitch".

Incidentally, George W bush fits "he grew bogus" quite
nicely too.

SPORT TODAY

My Tennis Hero, belgian midget Justine Henin-Hardenne wins the French Open with the best backhand ever seen.

Ruthless perfection.