You Can Leave Your Hat On

by Jaelle

Disclaimer: Don't own em, never will. Wouldn't mind it though.

*words in-between stars are thoughts*

At a table in a dimly-lit nightclub, two suited men faced each other. Deadly assassins both of them, they sipped their drinks and
contemplated their evenings work. An average person would not have known either of them, but would have felt a chill down the spine at their mere presence. A not-so-average person, such as Shinichi Kudo, the great high school detective, would have recognised them instantly for who they were...

Members of the Black Organisation.

Specifically, in this case, the two assassins known as Gin and Vodka. Dressed head to toe in black, with only white shirts and a white band around their hats providing any relief, they projected an aura of menace around them, even when not on an "assignment". For tonight though, their work was done, and they relaxed after a hard day of violence and death.

"Think we'll have any more trouble with that character, aniki?" Vodka asked.

Gin snorted. "Not likely. He knows the price for his disobediance. He won't dare defy us."

Vodka nodded, secure in the knowledge that his aniki was right, as always. "Shall we order an entrée or skip straight to the soup?"

Gin was about to reply when a waiter approached them carrying a tray and two glasses.

"Misters Jake and Elwood Black?"

"Huh?" said Vodka.

"A drink from the lady."

The waiter deposited two drinks on the table and then left. Both men stared at their new drinks.


"Aniki... you don't think..."

"Vermouth." Gin sighed. "What is that wretched woman up to now?"

"Do you think the drinks are poisoned?" Vodka asked.

"Of course." Gin scanned the room, eyes barely visible beneath his hat. "Where is she? I can't see her."

The lights dimmed further, and a spotlight lit up the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight, for one night only, please put your hands together for the lovely Joliet Mary Freeman!"

A gorgeous woman stepped onto the stage. Dressed in a slinky black strapless dress which clung to her every curve, she swayed over to the microphone as the audience applauded politely. Vodka eyed her appreciatively while Gin just sighed and got out a new cigarette.

This had better be good Vermouth, he thought as he slumped down in his chair.

Onstage, Vermouth/Joliet smiled as the band struck up a seductive song. She eyed Gin carefully out of the corner of her eye and started to sing.

"Baby, take off your coat... real slow
Baby, take off your shoes...
I'll take your shoes..."

Onstage, Vermouth mimed running her hands down an imaginary male body in front of her. If you tried to visualise the dimensions, you'd probably find they matched those of Gin.

"Baby, take off your shirt
Yes, yes, yes…

You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on."

In his chair, Gin started to cough and splutter as he inhaled the cigarette smoke the wrong way. His splutterings were just audible to Vermouth and she grinned and swayed sexily before pointing a finger in his direction and continuing with the song.

"Go on over there,
Turn on the light..."

A spotlight illuminated her.

"No, all the lights!"

The stage lit up and some of the house lights came up on dim. Vermouth smirked as she watched Vodka nearly knock Gin out of his chair by thumping him on the back. *Wonder if he swallowed his cigarette?* She resumed her singing.

"Now come back here,
Stand on this chair...
Yes, that's right…
Raise your arms up to the air...
And shake 'em."

Gin snarled and tried to pull his gun out of his overcoat. *That's it, I'm going to SHOOT her!*

"Aniki! You can't pull a gun in here. Aniki!" Vodka caught his arm.

Trying to suppress her inner laughter, Vermouth simply shook her head and said:

"You give me a reason to live
You give me a reason to live
You give me a reason to live
You give me a reason to live…
Sweet darling."

"Why are you so upset, Aniki? Is there something wrong? Did you drink some of the poisoned drink?"

Gin just shook his head and was thankful that Vodka's grasp of English was rather loose. He, unfortunately, spoke it perfectly. A fact that Vermouth knew only too well, curse her.

"Suspicious minds are talking
Trying to tear us apart
They don't believe
In this love of mine."

Vermouth sang, and winked at Gin.

"They don't know I love you
They don't know what love is
I know what love is."

Gin snorted loudly as Vermouth and the band swung into the (thankfully for him) final repetition of the chorus.

"You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on
You can leave your hat on!"

As the music came to a triumphant end, the audience burst into applause. Gin suddenly realised that he could probably shoot Vermouth while they were occupied and only Vodka's intervention prevented this from happening.

"Relax Aniki!" Vodka urged. "See, the song is over now."

Gin's face was very red. "That... that WOMAN!" He fumed. "She's, she's..."

Unnoticed, the applause had died and the music had picked up as Vermouth started her next song.

"Don't worry about it, aniki." Vodka said. "Just sit down and have a drink."

Gin sat down and grabbed the nearest glass. There was a brief kafuffle as Vodka realised that it was the one Vermouth had sent and nearly spilt it all over the place snatching it from Gin's hand. By the time the two men had sorted themselves out, the song was half-through.

"I swear, one of these days..." Gin muttered. He picked up his safe drink, and gulped a large mouthful... only to choke and spit it out all over the table as his ears finally worked out the lyrics to Vermouth's latest song.

Vermouth smirked as a second outbreak of coughing started up and really put everything into the final chorus...

"I get no kick from champagne
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all
So tell me why should it be true,
That I get a kick out of you?"

The End.

Authors Notes:

You Can Leave Your Hat On is by Joe Cocker, from his album: Cocker (1986).

Jake and Elwood are the names of the two Blues Brothers, from the movie of the same name. They dress much like Gin and Vodka but are a lot nicer. Their last name is Blues, so I changed it to Black for this.

As for "Joliet Mary Freeman" - Joliet is Jake's "original" name, and Kathleen Freeman played the role of the nun Sister Mary Stigmata (AKA The Penguin), also from the Blues Brothers movie.

There were no reason for these jokes. The idea just amused me. So did the idea of Vermouth as a nun. *goes off into paroxsyms of laughter*.

For those wondering, the "origin" of the story is a conversation I had with Orla in which I commented on Gin's habit of ALWAYS wearing the hat. I then continued on to speculate as to whether he ever took it off. Even during, er, certain potentially reproductive events. Then one day I was just sitting around when this song came on the radio and reminded me of the jokes I'd made about it, so I decided to have Vermouth sing it. I just liked the idea of her singing all of these really provocative songs while Gin is forced to sit there and listen. Oooh... I bet the tips of his ears went all red... cuuutteee...

Gin: You...
Jaelle: Hmmm, how about a chorus of "Rum and Coca-cola" to finish off?
Vodka: Rum's seeing someone called Coca-cola??? Who are they? Are they a new member?
Vermouth: Yes.
Gin: NO!!! Shut up woman!
Jaelle: *snickers loudly*

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