"That was when Rachel went to confront the Black Queen. Then
after that..." Rogue glanced at Joseph. "We all went out for
chinese, but we ran into some Sentinels...so we invited them
The pair were comfortably settled in the living room, and
Rogue had been patiently explaining the intricacies of the
Summers' family tree for the past fifteen minutes. Now she
noticed that Joseph was no longer paying attention.
"Unfortunately they had terrible table manners, so we
recycled them. Have Ah mentioned there is a green furry
thing crawling up your neck? And that Ah'm a close relative
of the Brood?"
"Rogue" blurted Joseph. "Will you marry me?"
Rogue paused. "Joseph, one of us is talking at tangents...
you... marry... huh?... EEP!"
"I've been thinking about it for a while." said Joseph.
Rogue had been sitting with her mouth open for the last
ten minutes so he'd taken the initiative. "It's not a spur
of the moment thing. I love you and I want to marry you.
I've been trying to figure out how to ask you and tonight
just felt right."
"You mean the Summers' family tree always makes you feel
"Well, I was thinking that despite all the problems and
the children, Jean and Scott still got married."
"Speaking of children, you do realise that Pietro is older
"So? He's older than me now. Look Rogue, if you don't want
to marry me just say so."
"Ah didn't say that."
"Then you do want to marry me."
"Ah didn't say that either! It was a surprise. Couldn't
you have lead up to it or something?"
"Like how? I see, so Rachel is Scott and Jean's daughter
from an alternative future - my, isn't the moon beautiful
tonight, will you marry me?"
"Let's _not_ bring the Summers' into this. Ah'm just sayin'
that some flowers or chocolates or a ring would've been
"I have a ring." Joseph produced a box and opened it.
"Oh... Mah... God..."
"You like it? I made it myself. Mined gold out of the ground
and looked up minerals with iron content which were most
likely to have diamonds in. It's my own design too."
"Ah've seen glaciers that were smaller than this!" Rogue's
hand crept towards the ring.
"And as for the rest. Rogue with the kind of lives we lead,
do you really want to place your heart and faith in material
things of love when the real emotion is right here?"
Rogue looked a Joseph. "WAAAAH! That's sooo beautiful."
Joseph got down on one knee. " Rogue, will you marry me?"
"It's been quite peaceful around here lately." said Scott
to his wife.
Jean looked up from her book. "Yes, all that madness with
Onslaught is behind us and I think we can start moving on."
"_Without_ major upheaval."
They both looked up as Rogue rushed in.
"What is it?"
"Ah wanted you guys to be the first to know... Ah'm getting
Scott and Jean looked at each other, then Scott looked back
"I never thought I'd say this, but please tell me you're
"Wrong! Ah'm gonna marry Joseph!"
Jean sighed. "There goes our peace and quiet."
"Jean, will you be mah maid of honour?"
"Why, Rogue, I would be honoured..."
"No! You can't marry Mag... Joseph - I absolutely forbid it!"
Rogue's eyes narrowed. "Why?"
"Because he's all wrong for you! He's a reformed villian with
incredible powers that could go out of control at any moment!"
Rogue advanced on Scott and grabbed him by the collar and
"Scott, Ah am marryin' Joseph with or without your
Scott looked down and saw that the floor was several feet
"Jean, you -would- catch me if she dropped me, wouldn't you?"
"Alright! I get the message - I'll support you!"
"Ah _knew_ you'd agree." cried Rogue clapping her hands
together. "Oh, sorry about that."
"No problem." he groaned from a heap on the floor.
Rogue flew out, all smiles and saying she was going to
gather the rest of the X-Men for an announcement.
"Jean, this is a disaster."
"Yes, there isn't room in the boathouse for another couple."
"That's not what I meant! How do you think the others are
going to respond? Especially Gambit!"
"Shall we shackle him before we tell him?"
"Yes... No! Jean, I don't think you are taking this
"Scott, you are blowing this out of proportion."
"Oh really? Well, we'd better go and join the others."
"Are you sure we shouldn't shackle Gambit? We've only just
got this place back together."
"He can live with it."
"Well, you can foot the bill."
"That is a point..."
"So, what's happening?" asked Bobby (why do we always
target Bobby? I guess he asks for it so much.)
"Tell you in a minute." said Jean. "Where's Bishop? I
specifically asked him to be here."
"I am here, Jean, although I am puzzled by your request."
Bishop entered the room.
"Never mind... just wait."
"Oh good, y'all here." Rogue came in, holding hands with
Joseph - he was grinning inanely. Gambit glared at them.
"Ah've... _we've_ got an important announcement to make."
said Rogue. She and Joseph smiled at each other.
"I think I'm going to be sick." said Bobby. "Cut to the
chase will ya?"
"Ah yes, *achem* I have asked Rogue to do the great honour
of marrying me."
"And Ah accepted!" squealed Rogue. "Ain't it wonderful?"
There was total silence.
The happy couple looked around at the faces of the X-team.
Scott looked unhappy, Jean: benevolent, Betsy: speculative,
Storm: shocked, Sam: blank, Wolverine: faintly amused,
Angel: disbelieving, Bishop: unmoving, Beast: acting like
he'd just discovered a hairball, and Gambit... Gambit...
"Bishop, now!" screamed Jean.
Bishop immediately leapt forward and slapped a pair of
restraints on Gambit. The charged lamp dropped to the ground,
but an ice-shield prevented much damage.
Everyone settled back, then it hit them.
"You're getting WHAT?!!"
"Married, aren't you happy for me?"
"Bobby!" shrieked Jean. "Remember, air is your friend!"
"They said married, as in man an' wife?"
"Warren, I thought we would be first."
"Bets, do you realise... _what_ are you saying?"
"Logan, where are you going?"
"To kill something."
"Bishop! Put the gun _down_!"
"AH DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" screamed Rogue.
Everyone fell silent.
"This is one of the happiest days of mah life! Ah've
made a decision that's gonna make me very happy and Ah
thought Ah could count on the support of mah friends!
More fool me." she sobbed and ran out of the room.
Joseph glared at the X-Men who were beginning to look
ashamed, with the obvious exception of Gambit.
"I hope you are all proud of yourselves." he snapped.
Jean nodded. "Yes, we should provide our support."
"S-sure." Bobby's smile was shaky. "We were just...
The others all murmured in accord.
"Thank you." said Joseph. He left the room and met Rogue
in the hallway.
"Did it work?"
"Yes, your speech was perfect."
"Ah knew that rubbish would bring 'em around."
"Catch me if you can, Raven!"
"I wouldn't want to, Creed. But... GIVE ME BACK MY
"Raven, it's a call for you."
"I'm busy, Forge."
"Gimme that phone! Hello, darling, how are you?"
"Ah'm jus' fine, Momma."
"So, why the call? Not that I complaining, you hardly
"Ah'm gettin' married."
"That's what I mean, no gratitude. If I... WHAT?!"
"Watch the decibels would ya, Raven?"
"I'm sure I didn't hear this right. You said married! You
must be joking!"
"No, Ah'm not joking."
"Who? Who is it?"
"Joseph, Momma, he's Joseph now."
"I don't _care_ what he's called now. You want to marry a
supervillian who has caused so much trouble and..."
"Your point is?"
"Momma, Ah had hoped that you would support me, but if
you won't, then Ah have nothin' more to say."
"No, no! I will support you, I suppose you could've done
worse, married that Cajun for example. I will come and help
you with _everything_."
"Ummm... that isn't necessary."
"Nonsense! What are mothers for? See you soon, bye now."
Mystique put the phone down and gathered the others.
"Congratulate me, I'm about to have a new son."
Lorna didn't even look up from the paper. "Another one?"
Sabretooth sniggered. "Wasn't me this time."
"Oh shut up! I'm getting a son-in-law, Rogue's getting
Mystique sighed, this was _not_ going to be easy.
The next morning Joseph entered the kitchen and found a male
"What are you doing in here?"
"Shh!" Bobby dragged him over to the table. "It's wedding
mania in the other room, we don't want to get caught in it."
Joseph listened, he heard squeals and giggles coming from
the other room.
"What's so bad about discussing the wedding?"
Sam shook his head. "You are so innocent."
"Guest list." said Scott.
"Wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses." said Warren.
"Vows." said Hank
"Food." said Logan.
"Everything you can possibly imagine." said Bobby. "It takes
a least four hours to decide who sits where and that's only
for a small wedding when all the family get along."
"So that decision for this wedding should take..." Bishop
"And they ask your opinion on the dresses. How should I know
if a sash is better than ruffles?"
The door swing open and Rogue peeped in. "Aha! there you are,
Joseph. Will ya come in here?"
"Perhaps later." mumbled Joseph, a sense of impending doom was
descending on him. "Scott is filling me in on how... uh... how
a groom must act."
Scott blinked. "Sure, sure, you know, the groom thing."
"Well, Ah guess that's pretty important, but Ah still have
ta talk to ya, honey, _soon_." Rogue paused. "Oh, somethin'
y'all should know, Ah've invited Mystique and X-Factor over,
and also Excalibur is on the way." She departed and everyone
breathed a sigh of relief.
Bobby frowned. "Wait a sec. _Who_ did she say was coming?"
"Oh my God." Warren groaned. "There goes the mansion...
"Ah don't get it." said Sam.
"Think, my young friend." said Hank. "Who is the leader of
British team and who is his mother?"
"Mystique, but why...oh."
Scott sighed. "We'll just have to keep them apart. And
take away Mystique's gun."
Logan snorted. "Yeah and Hank's fur will turn pink."
"Ooh, weddings are sooo exciting!" gushed Kitty Pryde as
Excalibur's jet flew towards America.
"Kitty, if I 'ave to 'ear that sentence one more time
I'll 'ave to bloody well 'urt you!"
"Pete! You're just grumpy cos Brian and Moira won't let
you smoke in here."
"It ain't fair! I can't smoke but that bleeding lizard of
yours is smoking up a storm!"
"I have to agree with Kitty." sighed Megan. "Weddings are
so beautiful and romantic."
"Right. Your friend, a member of the X-Men, is marrying
the world's greatest supervillian and you think it's
romantic." Wisdom slouched in his seat. "Bloody big mess,
that's what it'll be."
"Don't be so negative, mein freund." said Kurt. "If marrying
Magneto - or Joseph as he is now called - is what Rogue wants
then I will be pleased for her."
"As will I." murmured Peter Rasputin.
Moira sniffed. "Poor lassie, she deserves some happiness."
Wisdom rolled his eyes. "Just you wait... Dammit! I need a
"Scott! SCOTT! Come here!"
"What is it, Jean?"
"Look who just arrived."
"Did _all_ of X-Factor have to come?"
"Somebody restrain Logan... oh, too late."
"Psylocke, sheathe the psychic knife!"
"Perhaps Logan needs help?"
"Look, Ah think Forge is goin' break it up."
"I can't bear to watch, let me know how much of him
"Sure, Bobby. Oh, now Mystique's stepping in... owch! How
could she _do_ that?"
"Well, at least she stopped the fight."
"But Betsy, she had high heels on!"
"Hello X-Men, we have arrived."
"Hello Mystique, how are you?"
"Just _peachy kee_ Cyclops. Let's see, I have a restraining
device implanted in me, I work for X-Factor, without my
consent, I have to work with Creed, and to top it all off my
daughter is marrying Magneto. No, I don't think things could
get much better."
Mystique looked around. "So where is the bride-to-be?"
Jean frowned. "Not sure, she and Joseph disappeared about
two hours ago."
"Bet they're gettin' started with the honeymoon... heh!"
"Ow! Raven, what was that for?"
"Just quit with the off-colour remarks, Victor."
"Actually, I believe they went to look at wedding dresses."
"And here they come now." said Bobby. "They don't look
Everyone crowded to the window, the sounds of an argument
"Ah don't think you have any right to criticise mah taste,
you're the guy who wore..."
"Yes, I know! Can we have a conversation which does not refer
to my past fashion failures?!"
"Fine! If ya don't value mah opinions!"
"I didn't say _that_."
"Children, children." Mystique leaned out of the window.
"Despite my feeling of delight if this wedding went up in
smoke, I'll be damned before seeing disintegrate five
minutes after my arrival!"
"Momma!" Rogue flew up to the window. "You came!"
"Isn't this what every mother lives for?"
"Every mother, yes. You? I'm not so sure."
Mystique hugged Rogue. "Now, introduce me to Joseph."
"Ah already did."
Joseph entered the room, Rogue took his hand. "Mystique,
this is Joseph. Joseph, meet your new Mom."
Joseph looked into a pair of narrowed yellow eyes and
heard warning bells go off in his head.
"Nice to meet you."
"Likewise." Mystique purred. "Joseph, let's get one thing
straight. You hurt my daughter and I will cut out your
intestines and strangle you with them."
Jean smiled at Scott. "Well, that went alot better than
The Excalibur team arrived that evening, it was a quiet
and peaceful arrival, until...
"What is _she_ doing here?"
However, after that outburst things settled down again.
"Too quiet." muttered Wisdom.
"Hmmm?" Kitty nuzzled his shoulder.
"It's too bloody quiet and calm, I 'ate that."
"It'll be ok." Kitty paused. "Everyone's on their best
"Only because Wagner showed that he has some sense in that
furry 'ead of his by refusing to speak to _her_."
"Well... Logan was well-behaved."
"Yeah, but they had to lock Sabretooth in the Danger Room
"Don't worry, he's used to it."
"I'm not worried about _him_. I'm worried about _us_. You
will stay close tomorrow won't you? That way I've got an
escape route if things get too wild."
"Pete, tomorrow is the day we make all the wedding
preparations, the day after is the event itself and the minute
it's over we head back to Muir Island."
"Why can't they do the deed tomorrow?"
"Don't be silly, there is too much to do, besides the whole
thing has already been rushed."
THE NEXT DAY
Rogue, Jean and Mystique broke up from their huddle around
a piece of paper and smiled toothily at the assembled X-teams.
"Here goes." muttered Scott.
"What?" muttered Joseph.
"Alright people, we have your tasks ready:
Scott, Brian and Piotyr will set up the pavilion and the
seating. Hank, Bishop, Warren, Wisdom, and Kurt are in charge
of catering, and gentlemen, if we find any blue fur in
_anything_ there will be trouble. The tuxedos are arriving at
3, be ready for your fittings. All males unaccounted for,
with the exception of the groom, get to set the tables, do
dishes and so on."
"Set the table?" objected Creed.
"You're right, Victor." Mystique smiled. "Better not let _you_
near anything sharp, you might cut yourself. _You_ can do the
little name tags for each guest. Jubilee can check your
"To continue." said Jean. "Generation X are to do the flowers
and decorations. X-Force will handle the alcohol and
"Ladies, all of you are required to make sure that the men
are doing things correctly (an unlikely event), with the
exception of myself, Jean, Jubilee and Storm who are advising
Rogue on dresses and hair, et cetera. The following people
need immediate appointments for clothing: The Bride and Goon,
sorry, _Groom_" Mystique smiled. "Jubilee as flower girl,
Kitty as bridesmaid and Jean as maid of honour. Kurt and Logan
are ushers. I am giving away the bride." Mystique paused.
"What are you all staring at?"
"Ummm... it's the _father_ of the bride who's supposed to
give her away." said Jean.
"Jean, dear, this is the 90s, but if you will insist on
tradition, then I can... adjust." Mystique morphed into a male
version of herself.
Jean shrugged and took the list. "Right, that's everyone
sorted except the Best Man. Joseph, who's it going to be?"
Joseph blinked. "I... uh... Best Man?"
"Yes, should be a close friend."
"Couldn't you ask Quicksi... no, forget I said that."
"How about Scott?"
Joseph glanced at Scott who was glaring at Bobby. "I
don't think that would be appropriate. Can I get back to
you on this?"
"By four this afternoon, Joseph." said Rogue.
"Alright, you have your assignments, let's get to it!"
"Bishop, I realise we haven't know each other very long,
"long enough for you to be recognised as the most powerful
evil mutant the world has ever known."
"I see, excuse me."
"Ummm...Hank, I wonder if I could impose on you to..."
"Joseph, this request, coming from one with whom I have
fought since my tenderest years as an X-Man, must surely be
seen as some vile jest."
"That's a no, right?"
"Nevermind, my brain must have temporarily shut down."
"Wisdom, we don't know each other, but would you
"Not bleeding likely!"
Joseph stumbled wearily back to the lounge. It was 3.45pm,
he was doomed. He'd asked every male in the building to be
his Best Man and they had all turned him down for various
reasons. The wedding would be ruined, Rogue would never
"Havin' a bad time of it, homme?'
Joseph looked up, Gambit was glaring at him from the
window-seat. He sighed. "Yes, no one will be Best Man,
Rogue's going to be upset." He sat down next to Gambit.
"You ask everybody?"
"Yes, even Creed!"
"What did he say."
"That I must be really desperate, and anyway, he refuses
to wear a tie and there was no way in hell that he was standing
opposite Mystique near an altar, especially without weapons and
in a tux."
"Hmmm.." Gambit looked at Joseph. "It bother you that no one
"A little." Joseph admitted. "But it bothers me more that
Rogue will be disappointed, she wants the wedding to be perfect,
and she deserves that. She's the most beautiful, intelligent,
most wonderful woman in the world and I want her wedding to
Gambit looked at him carefully, then sighed. "You didn't ask
"I thought that would be tactless."
"I must be crazy to say dis, but you're right, she does
deserve it." Gambit slapped Joseph on the shoulder. "I'll be
your Best Man."
"Oui, why not? But you owe me big time for dis!" Gambit got
up and left the room.
Joseph watched him leave and smiled.
Jean handed the list to Mystique with everything ticked off.
"Good." said Mystique glancing at it. "And the best man
is..." She stared at Joseph. "Are you completely insane?"
"What do you mean?"
"Gambit is down here as the Best Man!"
Pandemonium broke out.
"There goes the wedding, with a bang!" moaned Bobby.
"Goddess! Joseph, isn't that a bit tactless?"
"This is, like, _so_ Beverly Hills!"
"I told you this was a bleeding nuthouse."
"Joseph, have ya lost it?'
"No, Rogue, in point of fact, Gambit offered."
Everyone stared at Gambit.
"Okay, bub, what are you up to?"
"Logan, mon ami, you wound me. I'm jus' helping out, making
de day special."
Mystique shrugged. "Well, it should make things interesting.
However, before we move on I have one little question. What
are you two going to do about names?"
Rogue and Joseph frowned. "What do you mean?" asked Joseph.
"Are you getting married as Erik Magnus Lehnsherr or as
"I will decide on that in due course."
"Well, you don't have much time." Mystique fixed her gaze
"What about you, sweetheart? Can I tell everyone that they
can address you as... MMPH!"
"Momma, Ah will remove mah hand when ya nod to indicate that
ya are gonna behave!"
"Keep your hand there, kid." sniggered Sabretooth. "Might stop
Raven's big mouth from flappin'!"
"Where was she hiding the bloody gun?"
"Mystique! Did you have to do that?" cried Jean. "Blood is
so hard to get out of the carpet."
After the mess was cleaned up, and Creed bundled out to
recuperate, Jean picked up the list again.
"*Achem* all that is left to organise are the two... er...
Rogue slumped in her chair. "Oh no, maybe we shoulda eloped."
she whispered to Joseph.
"And spoil everyone's fun?"
"The Hen Party!" squealed Kitty.
"The Stag Party." groaned Wisdom.
Having seen the boys off with strict instructions to bring
Joseph back in one piece, Rogue entered the main room and
noticed all the furniture had been pushed to the sides.
"We gonna be dancin' or somethin'?"
Jean and Betsy exchanged amused glances. "Something like
"Rogue." Mystique approached her. "This is a little gift which
I'd like you to wear tonight."
Rogue took the little box and opened it. "Wow, what a lovely
necklace!" She put it on.
Mystique hugged her and kissed her cheek. Rogue blinked in
"Forge whipped it up, I'm afraid it only dampens your powers
for 6-hours and can't be used again, but , I thought it might
"Oh, Momma, it's perfect."
Everyone sighed as Rogue and Mystique hugged.
"It's a kodak moment." said Lorna.
"Ok." said Mystique. "That's the mushy stuff over, let's
Several bottles of champagne later.
"Bets, hold it, Ah lost mah place."
"Again? Rogue, you are not good at karaoke."
"Shuddup! Ok, let's go!"
"I think it's time you, Paige, Monet and Penance went to bed."
"I'm not tired."
"Go to bed, Jubilee. NOW!"
Jubilee and the others filed out, but they made a sharp right
towards the front door instead of going upstairs.
"M, d'ya think we'll see everything by looking in the
"Isn't this a bit dishonest?"
"Don't be a moron, Paige. Now it gets good!"
"Good or bad, look at those four men." Monet pointed.
Jubilee peered over a bush. "Police!"
Inside Jean and Betsy jumped slightly as the doorbell rang.
"Rogue, could you get the door?'
"Sure." Rogue weaved her way to the front door and opened it.
A badge flashed in front of her eyes.
"Excuse me, miss." a police officer shouldered his way into
the hallway followed by three others. "We've had some
complaints, about the noise."
Rogue blinked. "Huh? But why does that take four of you?"
They strode into the main room, Rogue ran up to Jean.
"Hey!" cried Meltdown. "Arn't they... muff!"
Domino shoved her down. "Shush!"
"Look, Ah'm sorry if... hey!" Rogue frowned. "We are miles
from our nearest neighbours!"
The first cop grinned. "Your party, miss?'
"Yeah..." Rogue eyed them suspiciously.
"Here ya go." the leader presented her with a red rose. "I'm
Tony, this is Chris, Alan and Mike."
Rogue looked at Jean and Betsy. "You didn't..."
"Eeee!" Kitty and Meltdown started jumping up and down.
Jean turned up the music. "Yup, I did.'
"Oh mah God..."
"C'mon guys, get down, take it off!"
"Ororo, you blushing?"
"Wow, look at those abs!"
"Jean, I must congratulate you, I didn't think this was your
"Well, it wasn't all my idea, Mystique."
"Rogue, don't stand there, go and dance!"
"I don't think I ever saw a man take of his shirt like _that_
"Aye, it's an experience alright."
Tony shimmied up to Rogue(who hadn't moved). "Now, you look
like a lady who loves to dance."
"Ah... Ah..." Rogue stuttered as Tony took her hand. "eeep!"
"Go Rogue! Go Rogue!"
"Hey, she's actually dancing with them!"
"I guess the eight glasses of champagne must have helped."
"Betsy, did you deliberately get Rogue tipsy?"
"Whoa... there goes Mystique."
"The pants! The pants!"
"Emma, I think you're taking your teacher role a wee bit
"Betsy, where are you going?"
"The poor man is having trouble with his zip, Jean."
Jean shook her head. "I think this worked _too_ well. Oh
well, if you can't beat 'em..."
Meanwhile, at Harry's, the bar was full of mutants, and the
beer was flowing.
"Bloody hell Bobby, I told you I liked my beer _warm_."
"You're in the States now Petey-boy, cold is the way to go."
"Cold yes, frozen solid no." Peter waved the beer at Bobby.
"What am I supposed to do, lick it?"
"Well you said you were thinking of slowing down."
"Argh! Harry, three vodkas on the rocks!"
Joseph stared at the going's on. "That'sh amazing." he said.
"Joe, what are you doing?"
Joseph turned to look at Bobby through the glassy bottoms of
the two beer mugs he was holding to his eyes.
"Never mind." Bobby looked around. "So you spiked his drink
as planned huh?"
"Sure did!" chorused a group of voices. There was a pause.
"Scott, I thought _you_ were going to spike his drink."
"I thought _I_ was going to!" said Warren. "Gambit told me
Hank, Warren, Bobby, and Scott turned to look at Gambit, who
was sitting at the bar. He raised his glass to them and
"Oh no." Hank got up onto the table, and whistled for
attention. The other mutants all turned from their respective
tables, bar, floor and ceiling to look at him.
"Alright, would everybody who spiked Joseph's drink please
raise their hands."
One by one, hands went up around the room. Gambit looked
down upon his work and knew that it was good.
"Aw hell... quick, to the A and E!"
"Bleaugh." said Joseph. "Well, a new experience to add to my
new experiences. Who would have thought that a stomach pump
could be so... so..."
"Noone wants to know Joseph," said Scott.
Joseph glared at Remy drunkenly, the alcohol in his bloodstream
merrily bobbing along. "You are such a jerk." he said. "I can't
believe I chose you to be my best man."
"I can't believe it either," said a new voice. "In fact, I
can't believe any of this."
Joseph went pale. "Er... hi son. How are you?"
*WHAM* Joseph's eyes rolled up into the back of his head and
he toppled backwards as the silver blur went past him
Quicksilver stepped out into the hospital parking lot,
rubbing his fist. "_What_ do you think you are doing?"
Joseph hung onto reality. "Throwing up?" he suggested from the
"Oh yuck!" said Sam. "I thought the stomach pump was supposed
to take care of that?"
"I guess it missed a spot," said Bobby.
"Oh... butterflies..." said Joseph.
"What?" Hank examined his face. "Eyes dilated, face pale, cold
sweats... oh noooo... Perhaps I didn't make myself adequately
clear before. Would everyone who spiked Joseph's drink please
put their hands up?"
All the hands went up.
"Now, by spiked I am referring to with _other_ alcohols."
Creeds' hand went down.
"What did you use?"
"I don't know, Mystique slipped it to me on the way out."
"Okay everyone, _back_ inside!"
The next morning:
Rogue yawned, stretched, and sat up. "Today's the day. Today's
the DAY!" She hugged herself in glee. "I'm so happy! Nothing
could ruin this most bright of days!"
Joseph yawned, stretched, and sat up. "Oh my HEAD!!!" He
closed his eyes and put his hands to his pounding temples.
"Gads the PAIN!!!!" He opened his bleary eyes and stared
He felt a cold chill down his back.
"Where are my CLOTHES?"
Quicksilver trotted in the front door.
"Morning Pietro, I didn't know you were coming to the wedding."
said Betsy. Pietro smiled evilly.
"Try and keep me away."
Betsy nodded absently and left. Rogue bounced in the empty
"Pietro! You came! I was afraid you wouldn't get my message
Pietro smiled at Rogue. "Don't worry, as if I would miss my
own fathers wedding. Wanda's coming too."
Rogue clapped her hands together. "That's so great, Joseph
will be so SURPRISED to see you!"
"Where is he anyway?" she asked, looking around.
"Maybe he got _cold feet_," said Gambit, entering the
"Don't be silly," said Pietro. "I'm sure his feet are very
"Why are both my legs plastered together??!!!"
"I think he stepped out for a stroll." said Scott, wandering
through. "Did you pass him Pietro?"
"No, but I was coming here pretty fast. It's a long way from
"Why were you in Alaska?"
"Where on earth am I???!!!"
"Oh you know, personal business. Coordinating with local
"Why am I handcuffed to a foghorn???!!!"
"So, are y'all ready?" asked Rogue.
"You bet!" the assembled X-Men chorused.
"It's gonna be a GREAT day," said Gambit.
Joseph walked in the gates of the mansion at about two
"Where have you been?" Rogue demanded. "The wedding is this
AFTERNOON?! In ONE HOUR! You get your butt downstairs for the
tux fitting RIGHT NOW!"
"Yes dear," said Joseph. "Where's Gambit?"
"He's already there." said Rogue. "Move!"
"Yes my love, may I say that you are looking absolutely
radiant today." Joseph pressed her gloved hand to his lips.
"If you will but excuse me a few minutes I will make haste
to join my life to yours." He bowed and headed off.
Rogue watched after him. It was only after the euphoria wore
off that she thought to yell after him. "And WHY are you
wearing a boy scout uniform!" But he was out of hearing range.
"Oh poor Gambit, that must have hurt. I'll go get some ice.
"Is this really necessary, momma?"
"Trust me, darling, you _need_ this."
Rogue opened the door of the men's changing room. "Ah hope
y'all are decent." she yelled, there was a short scuffling
as she entered.
"Rogue?" Joseph looked up from trying to arrange his cravat.
"What is it?"
Rogue smiled and held out some papers. "You need to sign
Joseph took it. "A pre-nuptial agreement?" He looked at
Mystique who was behind Rogue. "This was your idea, wasn't
Joseph read the list aloud. "One: If you (Joseph) ever
regain your memory and go back your old ways, I (Rogue) will
kill you." He raised an eyebrow. "Two: If you _ever_ wear
that bucket helmet again, I will kill you. Three: If in 25
years you trade me in for a younger woman I will kill you."
Joseph blinked. "Four: If I ever am killed and you spend
the next twenty or so years angsting about it and screwing
up your life as a result I will come back from the dead and
kill you. Five: The Summers Clause: If I am ever thought to
be dead and you meet someone who looks EXACTLY like me, DO
NOT MARRY HER! Rogue all these clauses are about you! Did
_you_ _write_ this?"
"Of course she didn't." said Mystique
"Now it all becomes clear." Joseph continued to read. "Six:
If I (Rogue) ever absorb your powers and put you in a coma
and you survive with any memory intact, you (Joseph) will
forgive me... WHAT?! _When_ did you write this?"
"Last night, during the Hen Party."
"When during that time?"
Mystique smirked. "I think it was after the fifth bottle
"Well that explains it." Joseph picked up a pen. "I will
sign this as long as I can add something to it."
"Hmmm... ah yes. Seven: You (Rogue) will not smash me
(Joseph) through three walls - or more - ever again."
Rogue pouted. "You're spoiling mah fun."
"In the air I don't mind being hit."
"Shut up, Mystique."
"Momma, what should I do?" whispered Rogue.
"Don't worry dear, he said _nothing_ about roofs."
"Ok, Ah agree to the addition."
Joseph eyed Mystique. "You seem to know alot about this."
"Let me put it dis way," said Gambit. "You know de Count,
Nightcrawler's Dad? Apparently she took everything moveable
and den came back with a crowbar."
"And this," growled Sabretooth, "is why I won't get near
an altar with her. Even my claws couldn't protect me."
Mystique smiled. "Believe me, Victor, if we had a pre-nupt
declawing would be high on my list."
"Ah... " said Joesph. "Eight: If I _ever_ see a playing
card in the bedroom... " he glared at Gambit.
"De t'ings you insinuate mon ami."
"Who's insinuating? How's the ice?"
Later, in Rogue's room, Ororo, Jean, Jubilee and Kitty along
with Mystique had gathered to help Rogue with her wedding
"You know sweetheart, it's not too late to call it all off,
noone would blame you."
"Momma! Yoah here to help not hinder!"
"Where is your 'something blue'?" broke in Kitty.
Rogue pulled up her skirt. "Here Kitty, in the garter."
"Joey is going to love taking them off!"
"What did I do now?"
Suddenly Rogue giggled. "Ah'm a bride!"
"Well, that's what we thought." deadpanned Jean.
"Ah'm so happy!"
Ororo drew closer to Mystique. "Did you give her something?"
Mystique shook her head. "No, I think she's just ascended
the proverbial cloud 9, so she will be like this for a
"Do you have your speech ready, Mystique?" Jean asked.
"Yes, _very_ ready."
"No nasty surprises I hope." muttered Kitty.
Ororo walked around Rogue and placed a white ribbon around
her throat. "I think we're done here."
Rogue looked at herself in the full-length mirror. The
wedding dress she had chosen was Regency-style made of
white flowing satin with a cream-coloured bodice embroidered
with discreet gold threads. Gold clasps held her hair and
long white gloves completed the elegant effect.
All the women (including Mystique) sighed. "You look
"Ah hope... Ah hope Joseph likes it."
Jean hugged her carefully. "I'm sure he will."
Mystique bit her lip and tried to force away the tight
feeling in her throat as she looked at the young woman whom
she had raised from childhood. "Oh, you'll do just fine."
she whispered, then she noticed Jubilee grinning at her.
"*Achem* Ladies! We have to get moving, the ceremony starts
in 15 minutes!"
Rogue gasped. "Oh... oh... Ah... oh... "
While the others calmed the hyperventilating bride, Mystique
went to the door. "I'll go and and hustle the boys. Let's
hope Joseph hasn't made a run for it."
"I can't go through with it! I'm not ready!"
"Joseph! Sit down and calm down!" Scott shoved the
struggling man onto a chair. "Remy, help would be
Remy smirked from his position at the door. "I don' know,
mon ami. Dis is a dream come true I t'ink."
Mystique entered the room. "Are you coming? The groom
is supposed to be there _before_ the bride!"
Scott, Hank and Bobby looked at Joseph, he took a deep
breath and stood up. "I am ready."
Mystique grimaced. "You look like you're going to be shot."
she paused. "Although some people would say being shot is
preferable to marriage." Everyone glared at her, she laughed.
"See you boys at the altar," she said and left.
"Showtime neh?" said Remy, scowling fiercely.
"Yes," said Joseph. "For goodness sake, _smile_ Remy, you're
supposed to be happy for me!"
"Don't push it."
The wedding afternoon was bright and beautiful. It's such an
advantage to have weather-controlling members on the team
sometimes. The assembled X-people watched as Rogue walked
up the aisle and Gambit and Joseph both gulped when they
beheld her. Everybody else stared at the beautiful X-Man. The
awed silence lasted all the way until the vows began, when
a small discussion broke the silence.
"Do you, Joseph Magnus Lensherr..."
"Well, that makes sense." said Scott.
"take *whisper* to be your lawful wedded wife, to love her and
cherish her as long as you both shall live?"
"I do." Joseph answered and then leant over to Rogue.
"_That's_ your real name?"
"What did he say her name was?" asked Storm.
"I didn't catch it," said Jean.
"And do you *whisper* take Joseph to be your lawful wedded
husband to love him and cherish him as long as you both shall
"I didn't catch it _again_." said Jean.
"Me neither!" said Gambit.
Silence resumed until the priest uttered the fateful words:
"And if there is anyone here who knows of a reason why these
two people should not be joined together, speak now or
forever hold your peace."
Pietro opened his mouth, Wanda elbowed him in the stomach.
Gambit surveyed the crowd. Everyone avoided his eyes. He
opened his mouth.
"No, noone's complaining." said Rogue quickly. "Hurry up."
"By the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and
wife. You may kiss the bride."
"Errrr..." said Rogue. "Hitch."
"No hitch," said Joseph. "Behold your other wedding ring." As
he pointed upwards, a giant donut ring made up of circuitry
lowered down from the clouds.
"Mmmmmm, donuts." said Bobby.
"Wha?" said Rogue. Joseph took her face in his bare hands.
"I love you." Joseph bent and kissed her.
Gambit's jaw collapsed. "I don' believe it!"
Jubilee pressed play and "Magnet & Steel" by Matthew Sweet
Now I told you, so you oughtta know... oooo...
Take some time for our feelings to grow... oooo...
You're so close now, I can't let you go... oooo...
And I can't let go.
(With you I'm not shy) to show the way I feel
(With you I might try) my secrets to reveal
For I am a magnet, and you are steel."
Joseph started to move back when Rogue grabbed his head
firmly and yanked it back down to hers. *MMMMMPH!* His
arms flailed around madly and then settled around her
back. She hung on to him desperately.
"Uh..." said Jean. "Guys, there's still the speeches
and food and stuff."
"Hello! Earth to Rogue!" said Jubilee.
*mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I think we're forgetting something
"Joseph! Hey... DAD!" yelled Pietro.
*mmmmmmmm oh yeah... AIR!*
MMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWAH! *GASP* Rogue and Joseph's lips parted
with an audible sucking sound. They both stood there,
panting. Then they both moved in again.
"Hold it! We've got a reception to hold here, save that for
tonight!" said Mystique.
"Yuck," said Pietro. "I don't even want to think about that."
Joseph took Rogue's arm and they walked down the aisle
together, the others followed, throwing rice and flowers.
Gambit grabbed some rice from Jubilee and took a handful.
"Dis is for de zipper!" he snarled and charged it up. He
threw. The rice hung in the air. Joseph turned and waved at
"Dere's no iron in rice!" Gambit said.
"No, but there's such things as iron filings." said Jubilee.
"Come on, you think they didn't think of this? Bye!"
At the reception, Rogue's bare hand was clasped in Joseph's
also bare hand. They stared lovingly into each others eyes.
"Doesn't it take you back Jean?" asked Scott.
"Mmmhmmm." said Jean. They stared lovingly into each others
"I'm going to be sick." said Wisdom. Kitty hung onto his arm
and stared up at him adoringly. "Isn't it _romantic_?"
Wisdom paused, "()*&. Uh... Kit... I..." he looked at her.
"Don't think that was very funny!"
Kitty grinned back, "Oh I don't know, you should have seen
Creed stuffed cream donuts into his mouth. "Ahhh...
cholesterol. So essential to promoting heart attacks," said
"Thought you were a humanitarian Beasty boy." said Creed.
"Oh, but I _am_."
"That was unusually nasty," said Mystique. "I like it!"
"Someone get that woman away from Hank," said Warren to Forge.
"She's a bad influence."
"Oh you have NO idea." replied Forge.
Joseph and Rogue had finally looked away from each other and
were now admiring the wedding cake. Pietro and Wanda wandered
up to them.
"Congratulations!" said Wanda. "It was a lovely ceremony. I
hope it all works out for you."
"Even your hexes couldn't do that," said Pietro. "Some
probabilities just won't be defied."
"Pessimist!" said Rogue. "But don't worry, Ah won't hold it
against you... son."
Gambit cleared his throat, stood and tapped his spoon against
the glass in front of him.
"What's going on?" Joseph asked Rogue.
"It's traditional for the best man to make the first speech."
"Speech? We're doomed."
Gambit waited for silence and then began.
"Ahem, welcome everyone, t'anks for coming. T'anks also to
everyone who helped organise this thing, willingly or not,
especially those who travelled a long way to be here. I
known Rogue for as long as I been in the X-Men, and the
minute I saw her I knew she had class. Sure, we were both
under the Shadow King's control hunting each other down
on Muir Island at the time, but first impressions don't
always lie. Rogue's a class act - beauty, strength _and_
brains. How often do you see that? I thought she was perfect
the moment I first saw her and nothing has changed that.
It's been no secret to anyone that I loved her more than
anyone else I ever met in my whole life and I never wished
her anything but happiness."
He sipped his drink.
"Which is why I can't understand why she's marryin'
"Uh oh." said Jean.
"I mean, Joseph! Sure he's okay lookin', if you like all that
hair, but come _on_. The man's a mass murderer! He's an evil
guy an' always will be! But she loves him, an' I got to
respect that. So here's to the happy couple. Salaud!" He
led the toast by throwing a huge glass of champagne straight
down his throat and sitting down abruptly.
Joseph leant over. "Uh, nice speech."
"T'anks. Pass de champagne."
Mystique got to her feet, a champagne glass in one hand.
"Well, after Gambit's _entertaining_ speech, it's time for
me to do my bit."
Scott downed another glass of champagne, Jean looked at him in
alarm. "Scott, that's your _sixth_ glass!"
Mystique smiled sweetly. "I've known Rogue since she was a
little girl, so sweet and obedient - well, let's just say
sweet and even that is stretching the definition."
Rogue fidgeted in her seat. "Momma... "
"Yes, like every proud and doting mother I had such high
hopes for her, but sadly Rogue left my loving care..."
"Loving?" muttered Bobby, "Trussing Rogue up in a uniform
and getting her to attack Carol Danvers is loving?"
Everyone jumped as Bobby's glass shattered. Mystique blew
away the smoke from her hand gun.
"As I was saying," she continued, "Rogue left and joined
up with this ship of fools, I mean group of mutants, and I
watched her change for the worse, oh I mean _better_."
"_Momma_ what are you doing?" hissed Rogue.
"It turned out that my dear daughter preferred to be an
outcast than work legitimately with me in Freedom Force."
There was an audible snort from Sabretooth's direction.
Mystique sighed and emptied a couple of rounds into him.
When the others had sat up again she continued.
"Since joining the X-Men Rogue has suffered the life-death
syndrome, dying - living - dying and living again and again!
She has also caught the agonised love and angst disease
pioneered by Scott and Jean."
"Hey!" cried Jean while Scott downed his ninth glass.
"Now all this has come to a resolution. My little girl has
married and while I'm relieved it isn't to the Cajun, I must
say I give this marriage to Magneto - I mean Joseph - a
month at least."
"Mystique, are you betting on our marriage?"
"Life is a bet, Joseph. Anyway X-Folks, all I'm saying is
that this marriage is your fault and you only have yourselves
to blame." Mystique raised her glass higher. "In the meantime
let us toast this happy couple and wish them happiness for the
time they have together, at least until the next supervillian
shows up or Pietro gets over his shock and kills Joseph for
providing him with a stepmother ten years younger than him. So,
here's to Rogue and Joseph."
There was complete silence, Mystique lifted her gun pointedly.
"To Rogue and Joseph!" said everyone quickly and as one
sculled their glasses.
Mystique smiled broadly and sat down. Rogue glared at her.
"Thanks evah so much!" she said sarcastically.
"Don't mention it, darling."
A few more speeches followed. For the most part they were
fairly standard good wishes, "Hope you'll be very happy!",
usually delivered with the speakers fingers crossed behind
their backs. Then Scott stood up, listing dangerously to
"I... I... jusht wanna wish..." he paused. "Wish, I wathn't
here... When you wish upon a shtar... Wish Rogue and
Mangeti... Manori... Josheph... shiff shiff... Joe, the
bery besht... what am I doing here? *thud*."
"Praise the lord and pass the ammunition." said Mystique.
"I only wanted to put him out of his misery."
"He's not miserable!"
"He will be when he wakes up!"
"No no no!"
"Oh my stars and garters."
"Bobby, put the whipped cream DOWN and step AWAY from my
Until at last the torture was over. Rogue was blushing
crimson and Joseph had buried his head in his arms as
Sabretooth came to the end of his monologue.
"... and then the stripper said to the priest, "But I
don't have any more jelly... then..."
"Ladies and gentlemen, the speeches are over." said Mystique,
blowing smoke away from her gun.
"Oh thank god." said Joseph.
"Hey! I wanted to know how that finished!"
"SHUT UP BOBBY!"
Jubilee jumped up on to a table with a champagne glass in one
hand and a microphone in the other.
"Hey, you're underage!"
"Okay people, it's time to PAR-TAY!"
"I thought we were going to have waltzing."
"_You_ thought we were going to have waltzing. _I_ hired the
band." said Jubilee smugly. "But first the bride and groom
do the traditional first dance. Try not to trip over and
hideously embarass yourselves or anything okay?"
"Ack." said Joseph. "Can I dance?"
"We're about to find out sugah." Rogue took his hand and
he led her out onto the dance floor.
"Do the macarena!"
"One two three..."
Joseph put Rogues hand on his shoulder, moved in closer and
put his arm around her waist. He clasped her other hand in his
gently, and closed his eyes. The music began to play.
"I asked Jubilee for an appropriate song," he murmured into
her ear. "My knowledge of music is a little limited."
"It always was," Rogue giggled up to him. "Magnus was always
kind of a classical music buff."
"Like you said hon, you ain't Magneto anymore. I married
Joseph, the man I love."
"I love you." said Joseph. The song began.
[Yes, we know, it's nauseating. Are you done throwing up
now? Good... on with the show!]
When I first saw you, I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought I'd never find
Angel of mine.
I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
Gonna love you till the end of time
Angel of mine.
What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show
You came into my life, sent from above
Never did I dream such a perfect love
And I'll adore you to the end of time
Angel of mine."
"*Sniff*" said Jean. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
The song ended and Rogue and Joseph gracefully glided
to a halt.
"How was that?" Joseph asked.
"Not bad, for an old man."
"Hey! Now Leonie, that wasn't fair."
"You IDIOT!" yelled Rogue. "SIX YEARS Ah been keeping that
a secret! And then YOU!!!! OHhhhhhhhhh!!!!"
Mystique thrust a piece of paper at her. "Sign on the
bottom line and the divorce can be final in five minutes."
"Get that thing outta my face!" yelled Rogue/Leonie. She
glared at Joseph who looked confused. She burned inside
"But I don't understand." said Joseph. "What's wrong with
Leonie? I think it's a beautiful name."
"... That's so... so... *WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH*!!!"
Rogue clutched him and bawled into his coat. Joseph
looked even more confused and patted her gently on the
"Right," said Jubilee. "Obviously the crisis is over, with
Joseph and _Leonie_ having finished the first dance,
everyone else can get on to the dance floor!"
The band began playing "See Ya Later Alligator" and the
rest of the guests moved on to the dance floor.
"Well, goodbye everyone!" said Rogue. "Ah'll send you all
"How? They don't have any post offices in the Savage
Land!" said Betsy.
"Then I'll hang on to them till Ah see you again." said
Rogue. "Postcards always arrive after you get back
"What are you going to do on your honeymoon?" Paige asked.
Joseph looked inside the Blackbird, "Spend most of it
writing thank you notes for all the wedding gifts I
suspect." he said. "Someone _did_ run these through the
bomb detection machine didn't they?"
"Of course," said Kitty. "That's why there isn't anything
from Gambit, Mystique, Creed, Bobby or Scott."
"He was drunk at the time." explained Jean. "So mine is
from both of us."
Joseph waved goodbye to everyone. "Ready to go wife?" he
"Just a second," said Rogue, turning around. "Ladies,
positions!" With that, she threw the bouquet.
"Hands off, it's mine!" yelled Jubilee.
"Move it, move it!"
"I do not see what all of the fuss is about," said Monet,
regarding the blooms in her hands. "They are not the best
roses I have ever seen."
Everyone turned back just to see Joseph slipping the
garter down over Rogue's ankle.
"You wish Bobby. You wish." said Joseph. "Here it goes!"
Gambit stepped over the now comatose members of the
remaining X-males and picked up the garter.
"Not again, do you have a collection of these things or
Gambit kissed the garter and put it in his pocket. He
stared challengingly around him.
"Well, goodbye!" said Joseph. He went up front to pilot.
"Bye! BYEEEE!!!" yelled Rogue. "Ah love you all!"
"Bye Leonie! Have a good time Leonie!"
"Don't push it Jubes!"
"Bye sweetie, don't crashland in the middle of the
Rogue closed up the jets door and went up front to
"Let's get out of this madhouse before someone attacks
us!" she said.
Joseph grinned and lifted off, then engaged the autopilot
and turned to continue their earlier kiss.
The jet flew out of sight quickly, the words "Just married
(and about to regret it)" spraypainted on the side, and tin
cans trailing off the wings.
"What's in that one?"
"A toaster. You?"
"A toaster. What about that one."
"A toaster." Rogue pointed at another box. "Try that one."
Joseph opened it. "Quite possibly the most toastery-looking
toaster I've ever seen. And that one?"
"A very pretty..."
Joseph's eyebrows raised.
Magnet and Steel by Matthew Sweet, from the Sabrina the Teenage
Witch soundtrack. Though of course it's much older than that.
Angel of Mine by Eternal, from their Greatest Hits album.
The epilogue dialogue inspired by the Slayers TV series.
"Leonie" inspired by the main character in Georgette Heyer's
_These Old Shades_, "Ah BAH!"
Joseph, Rogue and all the rest are copyright to Marvel Comics.
Manpower Australia are copyright themselves.
We were inspired to finish this because Joseph's true origin
was FINALLY revealed and, fortunately contrary to the rumours
we had heard, he wasn't little Charles from the AoA. Now if
the real Magneto would just stand up and get his _act_