All The Things She Said
A Sailor Moon Songfic
By Orla


Warnings: Angst, Yuri overtones (that’s girl-girl romance y’know) and language.

Rei/Sailor Mars POV

"All the Things She Said" by TaTu. © 2002 Unforgettable Songs Ltd/SPZ Music Inc (BMI)/Martin Cherrytree Music (BMI)/Neformat. Lyrics are in italics

Sentences in (…) indicate flashbacks

Sailor Moon is copyright to Naoko Takeuchi

I lay no claim to the characters or the song!


All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough

I’m in serious s—t, I feel totally lost
If I’m asking for help it’s only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

This is not enough. It’s just not enough to simply be her friend. When did I start to realise that? Certainly not after our first meeting, in fact I’m fairly sure it took me over a year to figure out that what I felt for her was more than ordinary friendship.

Lately it’s been getting worse. I see her and feel shaky… breathless. At night I dream of her, hot, sensuous dreams of her beneath me, and I wake sweating and aching. No one, man or woman, has ever made me feel this way. No one.

Oh sure, I thought I was in love with a couple of people, but those were just intense crushes, you know what I mean? What I feel for her is not just physical… it’s spiritual.

That sounds so clichéd, I know, but it’s the truth.

Somehow she broke through the shell I had so carefully constructed and maintained for so long. She wormed her way in, without me even noticing, making me react to her. I tried, but I couldn’t ignore her. And after a while I stopped trying, because I didn’t want to.

Now I watch her, talking to Ami, laughing and chattering with barely a pause for breath and I burn inside. She loves me, I’m her friend – maybe her best friend – but I don’t want her just to love me that way, not anymore.

I want her to love me the way she loves him.

But she can’t.

And I can never tell her how I feel, because she is destined to be with him. She has to love him and only him. She has to become our Queen and save us all.

My own destiny is also set. I have to protect her, be her friend, her advisor and her servant. That’s the way it is. That is our fate.

And I hate it.

I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can’t block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it’s just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free

It’s getting harder and harder to maintain my mask. I’m sure it slips sometimes. She hasn’t noticed, but I think Haruka is suspicious. There are times I can’t stop my jaw from clenching, my hands balling into fists so tight that my nails almost split the skin, and my eyes… I can feel them narrow at him and widen with longing at her.

Now he’s arrived and I’m itching to leave, before I really betray myself. We’ve been here too long, celebrating the beginning of the summer holidays. She’s dressed in one of those short little skirts she loves and it’s riding up her thigh, exposing that smooth skin I caress in my dreams.

My breath catches as she hugs him, smiling up into his face. If only she smiled like that for me. My eyes close and for a brief moment we are alone together and I am the one that makes her eyes shine with intense love.

I am jolted back to reality by his laugh and my illusion shatters. Once again my gut twists in jealousy. I have to go, now.

“Rei? Where are you going?” Eyes wide and innocent (so blue!), turning to me as I pass by. “Mamo-chan only just got here!”

Her words; sweetly delivered and murder on my heart. Mamo-chan… Mamo-chan. I hate him; HATE him… as much as I once thought I loved him, because he has her. He gets to hear the words of love I want to hear, he gets to kiss those soft lips and hold this wonderful person in his arms.

“I’m sorry, Usagi, I don’t feel very well... and I have to be up early tomorrow. You know Grandpa needs my help at the shrine.”

Smile, that’s it Rei, smile so brightly that she can’t see the pain.

“Oh...”

She looks sad, I don’t want her to be sad, but it’s better this way. I wave farewell and leave the café so fast that the waitress doesn’t even have time to say the obligatory thank you.

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head

It’s hot outside, despite the rain clouds gathering fast. It’s going to rain soon. However, I don’t want to go home yet. I can’t face Grandpa’s jokes and Yuuichirou’s affectionate goofiness, not right now. So I seek out a shady, secluded place so I can be alone with my thoughts.

If I could, if I thought she would, I’d spirit her away somewhere. Even if I didn’t tell her, it could be a time for us to be together. And maybe I’d tell her my feelings and she would understand… and return them.

Who am I kidding?

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough

I wish I could talk to someone about my feelings, but it’s impossible. Haruka and Michiru, the only two people who could understand my messed up feelings would be the first to disapprove. The Outer Senshi are so fiercely devoted to preserving the future that there is little allowance for something so small as emotion. They might even suggest I stay away from Usagi, and that prospect chills me.

How could I live away from her warm presence? She taught me so much without even knowing it. For all her klutziness and feather-brained antics she is the sun we all revolve around. Really, is it any wonder that I love her this passionately?

And I’m all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it’s my fault but I want her so much

So far I figure that I have two options. Number one: tell her how I feel. Number two: leave. The first option is unthinkable; the second is unbearable.

Opening my bag I pull out the pamphlets that arrived in the mail yesterday and look through them. Unbearable, perhaps, but reason says it’s for the best.

I hate that term.

Maybe it’s selfish, but I think I deserve some happiness.

Would Usagi be happy though? I couldn’t do anything to make her unhappy and if I told her then she might be distressed and...

Fuck. I hate being so confused, not knowing what to do and wanting what I can’t have so badly.

With a curse I drop the pamphlets on the ground and close my eyes.
 
“Rei?”

Haruka.

She stands before me, leafy shadows dappling her face. Hands in the pockets of her jeans, brow furrowed. She smiles, but I can sense a tension emitting from her.

“Why did you leave so suddenly?”

The question is so unexpected. I blink and stare before stuttering an answer. “I-I didn’t feel well… it was hot and…”

“Cut the crap, Rei,” she’s blunt, almost angry. “I know the reason.”

My quick temper flares up. “Fine,” snapping the word out. “If you know so much why don’t you enlighten me?”

“You’re in love with Usagi.”

 “I…”

“We, Michiru and I, we’ve seen the way you look at her. You’ve hidden it well, but lately your mask has been slipping. Especially since Mamoru came back for his visit.”

“I see,” I inhale slowly and raise my chin. “So?”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” honesty is always best, right? I keep my eyes on her. “I might tell her how I feel.”

“You can’t.”

Bitter anger surges through me. “I knew you would say that!” the words spill out, unchecked and furious. “Why Haruka? Because of her destiny?”

“Our destiny! Damnit, Rei, you know what’s at stake here!”

“So we have to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good, huh?” Hot tears prick my eyes. I want to scream, rant and throw things. I don’t want to hear it… I don’t!

“Yes!” Her expression softens slightly and she places her hand on my shoulder. “Rei, I’m sorry… really I am. I know we don’t choose who we fall in love with and if it was anyone else I’d tell you to go for it.”

“Small comfort, Haruka.”

“I know,” she is truly regretful and I almost think she is crying until I realise that the threatened rain has started to fall. “Look, you’re a sensible girl, Rei. You know we have a responsibility,” she bends and picks up one of the pamphlets, which she presses into my unwilling hand. “You know what you should do.”

With that she leaves and I stare after her while the summer rain mingles with my tears.

I crush the pamphlet. No. I can’t, I won’t leave. Because if I do then there will be no hope, I’ll be giving up without even trying to fight.

And I always fight.

“Rei!”

Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame

Great, I’m hallucinating her voice now.

“Rei!”

It’s not a hallucination; she’s here, really here. Standing in front of me, holding an umbrella and looking at me with those huge eyes. Concern and curiosity etched all over her face.

“Are you okay? You look totally spaced out.”

“I’m… fine.”

She looks so lovely in that blue flowered sundress, bare feet, hair trussed up in its usual style with the addition of flower shaped accessories.

“Rei? What’s the matter? You’ve been acting so odd. Even Mamo-chan said so.”

And suddenly I want her to hurt as much as I am. I love her and she’s killing me.

“This is probably a bad time to tell you, but…” a dramatic pause, I slide my eyes away from her gaze. “I’m thinking of doing something new for my next high school year.”

“What? What?”

She’s so excited; she thinks it’s something wonderful.

“I’m going to see if I can get an approval to be an exchange student and go to England for a year.”

“NO!”

Her outburst shatters the silence and I stare. Tears flood down her cheeks. “No! Rei, you can’t! You can’t!”

She clutches at me, the umbrella dropping to the ground, her fingernails digging into my bare arm. “Rei, you promised! You said we’d always be together!”

My eyes widen. These are familiar words. I remember fading in her arms after Galaxia’s attack, her tears and those words warming my heart as I died.

So I say what I said then, but this time I’m cruel, not comforting.

“Don’t been an idiot, idiot. You have Mamoru and all the others, you don’t need me.”

“But I do! I need you Rei; I really, really need you!” she gulps and looks earnestly at me.

When they stop and stare – don’t worry me
‘Cause I’m feeling for her what she’s feeling for me

The truth and something undefined shines in the depths of her eyes and my insides do strange somersaults. Does that look mean that she feels…?

My hand creeps up of it’s own volition and wipes away her tears before cupping her chin. We’re so close, arms and legs touching. The smallest movement and I can feel her warmth against me. The longing spills over in a warm, uncontrolled flood. She needs me… she loves me…

I dip my head, lips tingling in anticipation of a kiss so long desired. I don’t care that it’s raining and we’re still in the part. I don’t care that I may be destroying the future. All I care about is right here in front of me.

“Usagi…”

“You’re my best friend, Rei, I can’t imagine you not being around.”

Isn’t it amazing how a few little words can rip your hopes to shreds? My hand drops, and I take a step back, gutted.

“You’ve always been there for me,” she continues earnestly.

“So have Ami and Mako and…”

“I know but…” she looks at me, eyes glimmering from the tears. “It’s different with you, Rei… you understand better. I don’t know why, but you do.”

That’s because I love you, silly. I want to say it so much, but the words catch in my throat.

Haruka’s right, I can’t tell her. Not because of our destiny, but because she’s never going to stop loving Mamoru.

So for the first time in my life I stop fighting.

I roll my eyes, paste on an exasperated look and let loose a short laugh.

“Usagi, stop being such an idiot.”

Forcing out these words feels like swallowing barbed wire. I swear, no monster I’ve ever fought, not death I ever experienced over these last few years has hurt me as much as this. I have to be convincing, she’s not stupid for all her clumsy ways; she’ll know if I crack.

“One year isn’t that long, hey, it might even be only six months. I’ll write and call you, and send you presents. I’ll still be there for you, just not physically.”

Now I let some of the pain show. “Believe it or not, dumpling-head, I’m going to miss you messing up my room and embarrassing me on the street.”

She giggles then and impulsively hugs me. “Rei, you’re such a meanie!”

“Yeah,” I drop a chaste kiss on her forehead. “Cruel to the core, that’s me.”

We hear Mamoru call and she pulls away, her expression lighting up as she turns to see him waving at her.

“He’ll scold, I got so wet!” she picks up her umbrella and then pauses. “Rei, is there something else you wanted to tell me? I had the strangest feeling…”

I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it’s driving me mad, going out of my head

I want to tell you I love you. I want to whisper my desires in your ear.

“Strange feeling? Usagi, you ate too much again didn’t you? Because you must be hallucinating!”

“Biii-dah!” she sticks out her tongue.

“Same to you!”

Another giggle. “See you, Rei!”

She’s gone, they’re gone and I’m alone again.

Alone...

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head

I whimper. Lost… I’ve lost my chance forever. With a cry I punch out, striking a tree, then another and another. A violent sob and I’m running madly, part the staring people, out of the park. Running desperately, seeking a place to release my pain.

An empty lot, muddy and silent, is the perfect spot.

I scream and transform in Mars, channelling my emotions into my power and shooting a column of fire into the darkening sky. Howling, screaming and sobbing as my dreams vanish with the flames.

Exhausted I shift to my normal persona and slump to the ground, falling onto my side. The mud mingles in my hair, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I want to die.

Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I’ve lost my mind

Gentle hands pull me up, something wrapped around my shoulders, a voice murmuring soothing words.

“Take her home?”

“No, not in this state, let’s take her to our place.”

“Right.”

In a car, Haruka’s car, shivering with cold and staring at Michiru’s face. Her eyes are full of sorrow. Her arm slips around my shoulders, heedless of my filthy hair. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she says gently.

Sorry? I just stare at her dully.

Soon I’m inside their house, in their bedroom, sitting in a robe with towels on my shoulders and wrapped over my hair. A hot drink is pushed into my hand, Haruka urges me to drink. The numbness cracks and I look at her bitterly.

“Aren’t you happy?”

“No.”

She reaches to touch me and I flinch away. She sighs. “Rei, I know how you feel…”

Ha! Like I believe that. With a curl of my lip I look from her to Michiru. They have each other; they’ve always had each other.

Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?

“Before her,” Haruka’s voice is firm. “There was a girl. I was crazy about her,” she smiles at my wide-eyed look. “No, I’ve never told anyone. And you won’t believe me, but the pain will ebb away. It’s slow to leave, but maybe it’ll be chased away when you meet someone new.”

“I won’t meet anyone new,” a simple statement, a simple truth. “I will always love her, I will always be with her.”

I draw in a long, shuddering breath. “Perhaps one day that will be enough.”

They leave me alone and I’m glad of it. Sympathy is disgusting when it’s unwanted.

For some time I just stare at the floor, letting my feelings ebb and flow within. Then slowly I stand and look in the mirror on the wall. A jerk of my hand and the towel releases the dark, matted mass of my hair. Looking at my reflection I see my mother’s face and my father’s eyes. I see pain. I see despair and I hate it. Rei Hino doesn’t despair. She doesn’t mope or get depressed. She is strong, fiery and stubborn. Who is this pathetic creature?
 
I’m glad Usagi can’t see me now. No matter what, I will not cause her pain because of my indulgence in self-pity.

“Usagi…”

That kiss in the park was my good-bye. I will lock away my longing and pray to all the spirits that Haruka is correct this time, that one day the pain will dull and leave me.

But I’ll never stop dreaming of her. In my dreams I will be all to her that she is to me.

And I will stay with her forever.

After all, I promised that I would.

(‘You said we’d always be together!’)

We will be.

(‘I need you Rei; I really, really need you!’)

I’ll never leave you.

My Usagi.

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough

The End


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