The Sword Song

AKA Methos' Address:

Always Carry Your Sword

A Highlander Songfic Parody
By Jaelle


Title: The Sword Song, AKA Methos' Address: Always Carry Your Sword

Author: Jaelle

Genre: Parody/Humour

Rating: PG-13 (mild language)

Summary: Song parody of the Sunscreen Song, as done by Methos (who insisted on giving additional snarky comments as the song went along, thus wrecking the rhythm but making me laugh. Besides, any further opportunities to hear that accent should not be passed up). Not really set at any point in the series, done just for fun. This parody was inspired by the brilliant Buffy parody, "The Vampire Song: Everybody's Free (To Drink Blood)", by Soulstarsinger, which can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=407335

Disclaimer: So very not mine. Methos and the concept of Immortality belongs to Davis/Panzer Productions. The Sunscreen Song belongs to Baz Luhrmann, although the lyrics belong to Mary Schmich (and not Kurt Vonnegut).

Author's Additional Note: I realise that Methos would never, EVER address a group of Immortals as himself, but just pretend that for once he's actually decided to give out some advice. The advice was nearly "Drink Beer", but someone else has beaten me (and Methos) to that parody. I'd put a link in if I could find a reliable site with the lyrics on it. I did briefly also consider "Avoid Conflict" or "Run Away", but I like this one better.


Ladies and Gentlemen who have become Immortal in 1999:
Always carry your sword.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the sword would be it. Not only would it be the tip, it would also be the edge.

The long-term benefits of carrying a sword have been proven by the continued existence of scores of immortals, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own personal experience.

Well, I've only been alive for five *cough* hundred years, what would I know?

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh never mind, you're gonna be young and beautiful forever anyway, unless someone cuts off your head. But trust me, in 200 years time you'll come across portraits, photos and sculptures of yourself and have to come up with awkward explanations for why you look just like the guy in the picture.

Your nose is bigger than you thought it was.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying leads to brooding, and brooding leads to depression, and then the next thing you know you're offering your head up to your nearest and dearest, which is a really terrible way to solve a problem. The _real_ troubles in your life are likely to be things that happened thousands of years ago, the kinds of things that blindside you when you're visiting your best mate and the skeleton in your closet turns out to be his visiting Immortal ex-lover.

Do one thing every day that makes you happy.

Read.

Don't be reckless with other people's heads, and don't put up with anyone who's coming after yours.

Learn.

Don't waste your time on moral dilemmas; sometimes you're wrong, sometimes you're right... the Game is long, and in the end, there can be only One.

Remember the good times you've had, forget the bad ones. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old journals, throw away your old clothes.

Laugh.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 200 what they wanted to do with their lives, and some of the most interesting 400 year olds I know still don't. Besides, you've got the time to work it out.

Drink plenty of beer.

Be kind to your mortal friends, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have students, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be widowed after a year, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken at your 300th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either your choices are part chance, and you've always got to put survival first.

Enjoy your body, it's gonna be with you for a looong time. Use it every way you can, and remember, if your head comes away from your shoulders, it's all over.

Train... even if it means getting up and breaking a sweat.

Keep an eye out for Watchers, even if you don't like them.

Do NOT try to read my Chronicles, you won't be able to translate them anyway.

Get to know your students, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your teachers; they're the best link to your past, and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should try to keep them alive. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people who remember the way it used to be.

Live in New York City once, but leave before Connor MacLeod kicks your bum. Live in Bora Bora once, but leave... why would you _want_ to leave Bora Bora?

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. Although not physically. But when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders. You can start by buying me a beer.

Don't expect anyone else to help you. There's a one on one rule, remember? Maybe you'll be rich, maybe you'll be poor, but you never know when you'll have to chuck it all in cos you've died in public.

Don't EVER fight on Holy Ground, or your time as an Immortal will be very, very brief.

Live, grow stronger, fight another day. Maybe you too can live to be five thousand. Not that I have of course, Methos is just a myth. No truth in his existence whatsoever. I'm just a guy, and there's really no point in coming to me for advice or wisdom at all.

But trust me on the sword.


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