The X/Muppet Crossover

Part Two

by Jaelle


Yes, it's my fault. Inspired by the brilliant Ranma 1/2 Muppet Special, and the Muppet/Star Trek Crossover. In the spirit of both of these stories (and because I couldn't face writing it out in full) I shall do this fic in "script" style in parts. So nyeah.

The Muppet Show is copyright to Jim Henson Productions. X is copyright to CLAMP. No infringement upon these copyrights is intended. Cos it's a parody, donchaknow?


V/O = Voice Over


Backstage:

KERMIT: Yeesh... well that went worse than I expected.

SORATA: Wake up Sumeragi-san!

YUZURIHA: It's not working.

The Seals are gathered around the sleeping body of SUBARU. He has been untied and a blanket has been thrown over him.

SORATA: He's been like this ever since the Sakurazukamori put the sleep spell on him.

SEIICHIROU: Don't worry, I've got just the thing!

KAMUI: *entering and walking up to them* I'm back! Sorry it took so long. I ran back to the Campus to get a dry uniform.

SEIICHIROU throws a huge bucket of cold water over SUBARU's comatose body. A large amount of the water splashes all over KAMUI.

KAMUI: Ack.

SUBARU: *waking up* AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! Who did that?

SEIICHIROU: Sorata.

SORATA: Hey!

SUBARU: *realises that he is still naked and clutches the wet blanket around him* Where are my clothes?

ARASHI: You'd probably have to ask the Sakurazukamori that.

SUBARU: *blushes* Argh. Can somebody lend me some please?

KAMUI: Well, I'd love to but... *indicates his wet clothes*

SUBARU: I thought you left to change earlier. You'll catch a cold wandering around in those wet things!

KAMUI: Grrr... I'll be back soon. *muttering* I hate this. I really do. Is it too late to change sides?

KAMUI stalks off.

SUBARU: Clothes? Please? Somebody?

ARASHI hands SUBARU a trenchcoat.

SUBARU: Thank you. *puts it on* It's a little big, but... *does up the buttons* Thank you.

AKIRA enters.

AKIRA: Hallo everybody.

SUBARU: Ijyuin-kun. Your friends were looking for you.

AKIRA: Ahhh... could you tell them I'm a little busy right now? *goes onstage*

SUBARU: Certainly. *leaves*

SORATA: You're welcome Sumeragi-san.

KERMIT: Hey guys, I was wondering if you'd be interested in a little sketch we want to put on...

ARASHI: No.

SORATA: *at the same time* Yes.

ARASHI punches SORATA in the arm.

SORATA: Ouch! We'd love to. What do we have to do?

KERMIT: Come out to the costume room...

***

Onstage:

The curtains open once more to show that the set has changed to a city scene. It appears to be Tokyo.

V/O: It had been years since I had left Tokyo with my mother... and when I returned after her death, I found that even here was sorrow.

JANICE: Kamui... like, go to Tokyo...

SCOOTER walks onstage.

SCOOTER: At last, I have returned to Tokyo. Here I hope to find my friends again - Fuuma, and Kotori.

MISS PIGGY: Kamui-chan!

MISS PIGGY glomps SCOOTER. The boy goes _down_.

SCOOTER: Urk...

LINK rushes on.

LINK: Sis! You're crushing Kamui!

MISS PIGGY: Oh, oops. *gets off SCOOTER* Are you alright Kamui-chan?

SCOOTER: Urk... massive internal haemoraging...

MISS PIGGY: Ahahahahahahaha!!! *gasps* Oh no, Fuuma, what's wrong?

LINK: Oh no... Kamui... I am your... your... damn, I forgot the rest of the line.

MISS PIGGY: That WAS your whole line stupid.

LINK: Oh well, that's alright then.

SCOOTER: _This_ is supposed to be my twin star?

LINK: Anybody seen my cape?

MISS PIGGY: Oh just read the script.

SCOOTER: Oh, okay... Kotori!

MISS PIGGY: Kamui.

LINK: Kamui, I am your...

SCOOTER: Fuuma!

MISS PIGGY: Kamui...

LINK: Kamui... I... am... your...

SCOOTER: Kotori!

Up the in the box overlooking the stage, SEISHIROU and FUUMA are looking concerned.

FUUMA: There's something wrong.

SEISHIROU: It's... well..

FUUMA: It's BORING!

Onstage:

SCOOTER: We're only following the script!

In the box:

FUUMA: But somehow it seems more interesting when we're doing it.

SEISHIROU: Something's missing.

FUUMA: One of the audience has already slept through the whole sketch so far!

SEISHIROU: *peering down* That's Kakyou.

FUUMA: Ah. I see Hokuto has been visiting him in his dreams again.

In the audience pit, KAKYOU is snoozing away wearing a Hokuto-designed outfit.

Onstage:

SCOOTER: Fuuma!

LINK: I am your Kamui! No wait... Kamui... am I your... no, no... that's not it either. Hmmmm... these lines are hard.

MISS PIGGY: You've only got the one line lard-for-brains.

LINK: Wait, I wrote it on my palm so I could check it if I forgot. Hmmm... milk, butter, bread, potatoes...

MISS PIGGY: Sigh. KAMUI!

SCOOTER: KOTORI!

In the box:

FUUMA: It's just not right!

SEISHIROU: Yes. Aha! I know what it is! They're not pretty!

FUUMA: That's IT! They're not PRETTY!

Onstage:

MISS PIGGY: What did he say???

In the box:

FUUMA: Boooo!! Get off!

SEISHIROU: OFF! OFF! OFF! OFF!

MISS PIGGY: Why you.. just you wait! I'll show that spiky haired dork what bloody torture is really like.

MISS PIGGY huffs off, followed by a confused SCOOTER and an even more confused LINK.

***

Backstage:

MISS PIGGY: Kermiiiiittt!!! Did you hear what those two creeps said about me? Kermiiittt!!!

ROBIN: He's not here. He's working on the big finale with the rest of the X crew.

MISS PIGGY: Well really, I... *pauses* Does that mean that we don't have anything on right now?

ROBIN: Nope... you guys were supposed to keep going for the next fifteen minutes.

MISS PIGGY: Change of plans. This is my big chance! Quick! Strike the set and put my special set out!

ROBIN: Hooo boy. Okay guys, Disaster Routine 46!!!

A group of rats sprint past and the sound of banging and sawing can be heard.

MISS PIGGY: I'll go change.

***

During this time, NOKORU and SUOH are visible sitting in the front row of the theatre. The seat to NOKORU's right is empty. A FANGIRL approaches.

FANGIRL: Excuse me, is this seat free?

NOKORU: I'm sorry, it's for a friend of ours.

FANGIRL: Oh well. *leaves*

SUOH: Forty-four.

NOKORU: Oh hush.

SUOH: Hmph.

A FAN, uh, PIG approaches.

FANPIG: Excuse me, but is anyone sitting here?

NOKORU: I'm most terribly sorry, but it's for a friend.

FANPIG: Oh well. *leaves*

SUOH: Forty-five.

NOKORU: You're not helping.

SUOH: No, I'm not.

NOKORU: Honestly, I didn't know this would happen. Who knew it would take Akira this long to brew tea?

A FAN... THING approaches.

FANTHING: Hi, is this seat...

SUOH: No. Go away. Fourty-six, and I'm going to get some drinks from the vending machine out the back. If you get assassinated, injured or eaten while I'm gone I shall be most displeased with you. *stalks off*

NOKORU and the FANTHING look at each other.

NOKORU: He hasn't had his caffeine dose today.

FANTHING: Ah.

SUBARU arrives and sits down next to NOKORU.

NOKORU: I thought you were going to keep an eye on things backstage?

SUBARU: Akira's handling it.

FANTHING: What happened to your clothes?

SUBARU: Shut up and leave me alone.

SUOH: *arriving back just in time to hear this* What's the matter?

SUBARU: *grumping* This is a non-smoking theatre.

NOKORU, SUOH and FANTHING: Ooooohhhhhh...

The house lights go down, the FANTHING leaves and SUOH resumes his seat.

***

Backstage:

The backdoor flies open and KAMUI walks in. He is soaked.

KAMUI: Dammit! All the way there and back and just as I'm getting here some old lady performs a cleansing ritual and chucks water out her front gate. Great, just great. ANOTHER school uniform ruined. *He sneezes and then begins to strip it off* That's it. Where's the bathtub around here?

ROBIN: *responding absently and waving in the direction of the stage* Over there.

KAMUI: Thanks.

KAMUI ducks behind a handy prop to take off the rest of his clothes. While he is doing so MISS PIGGY walks past and also in the direction ROBIN indicated.

MISS PIGGY: Now's my chance! Ooooh... I can't wait!

She steps onstage, which is once again set up like a Soapland.

MISS PIGGY: Bonsoir mes amis! Tonight I will thrill you with my rendition of _I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair_.

AUDIENCE: BOOOOO HISSSS!! That's been done!

MISS PIGGY: What? Oh no - what shall I do?

At that exact moment KAMUI steps onto the stage and heads right for the bath. He has a towel wrapped around his middle and is so focused on washing that it takes a moment before he notices the audience watching him. The phrase "caught in the headlights* takes on new meaning as his huge violet eyes get even bigger and he freezes in place.

FUUMA: *from the box* Oh YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I LIKE this show. Off! Off! Off!

SUBARU: *from the front row* Oh dear.

KAMUI: Meep.

MISS PIGGY takes in the, er, scenery.

MISS PIGGY: Ooooh. It's Kamui. One of the heavenly bodies. Must be my lucky day.

She motions to the band and they start playing a familiar song as MISS PIGGY advances on KAMUI.

[I know, I know. The Ranma/Muppets crossover did this song, the _original_ Muppet Show did this song (with Rudolph Nuryev), everybody and their _inugami_ did this song. But how can I resist? I'm only human. *there is a snickering in the background and one catcall of "You're not EVEN human!"* I heard that Sorata and I want you to know there are plenty of scenes still for YOU to appear in! *there is a quiet "Meep" in the background*]

PIGGY: Well honey, is that the end of the world or are you just happy to see me?

KAMUI: Uh... I shouldn't be here. I have to go.

MISS PIGGY advances on him.

PIGGY: Don't be silly sweetie. Sit. Stay awhile, stay forever!

KAMUI: *begins to sing*
 I really can't stay...

He grabs hold of his towel and edges away from MISS PIGGY, who pursues him round the tub, singing all the while.

PIGGY:
 But baby, it's cold outside!

KAMUI:
 I've got to go 'way...

He dodges a lunge from MISS PIGGY.

PIGGY:
 But baby, it's cold outside...

MISS PIGGY gets a damn good grip on his towel.

KAMUI:
 The evening has been...

KAMUI gets a panicked look on his face as he feels the towel slipping and grabs it in a death grip.

PIGGY:
 Been hoping that you'd drop in!

She moves closer.

KAMUI:
 So very nice...

Sweatdrops are pouring down his face and he tugs hard at the towel, trying to free himself.

PIGGY:
 I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice...

She releases her grip on the towel and KAMUI dodges round to the other side of the tub.

KAMUI:
 My mother... uh, Sorata will start to worry...

PIGGY: *stalking him*
 Beautiful, what's your hurry?

KAMUI:
 Subaru will be pacing the floor...

He moves nervously back and nearly slips.

PIGGY:
 Don't be such a terrible bore!

MISS PIGGY licks her lips.

KAMUI:
 So really I'd better scurry...

KAMUI pales.

PIGGY:
 Beautiful, please don't hurry!

She pounces and gets a grip around his waist.

KAMUI:
 Urk! Well, maybe just a little while more...

PIGGY:
 Put some records on while I lock the door!

She snuggles up against him. KAMUI has now gone green in the face.

KAMUI:
 I've got to get home...

He tries without success to free himself.

PIGGY:
 But baby, you'd freeze out there!

She snuggles closer, "to conserve warmth".

KAMUI: *in desperation*
 Say, lend me a comb...

PIGGY:
 You'd cough and you'd sneeze out there!

MISS PIGGY strokes his chest. KAMUI seems to be at risk of an incipient heart attack.

KAMUI: *weakly*
 You've been really grand...

PIGGY:
 I thrill when you touch my hand!

KAMUI flinches and touches her hand. She thrills. Enough said.

[Sorata: TOO MUCH SAID!!!]

KAMUI:
 But don't you see...

He tries to disengage her fingers one by one.

PIGGY:
 How can you do this thing to me?

She's not letting go folks!

KAMUI: *pleading*
 There's bound to be talk tomorrow
(Sorata would NEVER let me live it down!)

PIGGY: *heart-rendingly*
 Think of my lifelong sorrow...

KAMUI: *begging*
 At least there will be plenty implied
(Fuuma will have a field day)

PIGGY: *so sincere*
 ... if you caught pneumonia and died!

KAMUI:
 I REALLY can't stay...

He finally gets her fingers free and slips out of her grip.

PIGGY:
 Oh, baby, don't hold out!

KAMUI blanches, goes through the whole spectrum of colours, and sings the final line with MISS PIGGY.

BOTH:
 Ah, but it's cold... out siiiiiddeee!

KAMUI sprints for the wall, and destroys it (and some of the buildings behind it) before fleeing into the night, hanging onto the last shreds of his dignity, as well as his towel.

PIGGY: Oh well, he's probably gay anyhow. *sighs*

***

Backstage:

SORATA, ARASHI, YUZURIHA, and SEIICHIROU are memorising some lines. With them are KUSANAGI and YUUTO.

KERMIT: So everyone's clear? There's one more sketch and then you're on.

SORATA: Don't worry Kermit, you can count on us!

KERMIT: Great, I have to get the next act set up. Learn those lines!

KERMIT leaves.

YUUTO: Why do I have to do this?

SORATA: Because there's four of us and only two of you.

YUUTO: *grumbles* Where the heck IS that bioroid?

***

Somewhere else...

GONZO: Don't worry, it's okay to be confused about these things.

NATAKU: ... But I don't LIKE being called a thing.

GONZO: At least everyone doesn't say you look like a turkey!

***

Onstage:

KERMIT: I gather some things got a little out of hand before folks, but please don't worry, here's something to really get your taste buds humming! Ladies and gentlement, the Swedish Chef!

The curtain rises again, revealing AKIRA IJYUIN and the SWEDISH CHEF, both wearing chefs hats and aprons. In the audience SUOH and NOKORU both spit the mouthfuls of softdrink they had been drinking onto the floor. AKIRA and the SWEDISH CHEF both start singing.

AKIRA and the SWEDISH CHEF: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue. Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork! bork! bork!

On the final Bork they both throw sets of chopsticks in the air.

SWEDISH CHEF: Hellu zeere-a! Tudey I hefe-a a speceeel esseestunt - Ijyooeen Ekura - vhu veell be-a helpeeng me-a veet my cuukeeng.

AKIRA: Hello there! I am Akira Ijyuin and I will be assisting Swedish Chef-san today in his cooking. I will also be translating for our Japanese audience.

SWEDISH CHEF: Tudey ve-a veell be-a mekeeng a deleeciuoos noo receepe-a - beked Mukuna!

AKIRA: *translating* Today we will be making a delicious new recipe - baked Mokona! *Looks blank* I've never heard of that dish.

The SWEDISH CHEF produces Mokona from a bag.

MOKONA: Pu!

SWEDISH CHEF: Oobserfe-a zee Mukuna - see-a hoo leeght und flooffffy it is. I vunder hoo it veell teste-a vhee cuuked.

AKIRA: Observe the Mokona - see how light and fluffy it is. I wonder how it will taste when cooked.

UNSEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: I've always wondered that.

SWEDISH CHEF: Furst yuoo plece-a zee Mukuna intu zee pun. Zeen leeghtly doost it veet iceeng sooger. Edd un epple-a fur flefuoor... zeen beke-a fur 12 huoors.

AKIRA: First you place the Mokona into the pan. Then lightly dust it with icing sugar. Add an apple for flavour... then bake for 12 hours.

UNSEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: MMmmmmmm... Sounds delicious.

UNSEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: UMI-CHAN!!!

UNSEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: Shhhhh!!!

SWEDISH CHEF: Here-a ve-a hefe-a a Mukuna I hefe-a prepered ierleeer.

AKIRA: Here we have a Mokona I have prepared earlier.

The SWEDISH CHEF takes the cover off the dish to reveal - nothing!

SWEDISH CHEF: Vhere-a hes it gune-a?

MOKONA: PU!!!

MOKONA is now sitting on top of the SWEDISH CHEF's head. It begins to dance, hopping from one foot to the other.

SWEDISH CHEF: Get ooffff my heed!

AKIRA makes a grab for MOKONA, but it jumps off and runs away.

SWEDISH CHEF: Ookey, noo receepe-a. Furst ve-a cetch zee Mukuna. Hoop hoop hoop. Cetch it! Stup yuoo pesky rescel!

The SWEDISH CHEF and AKIRA chase MOKONA round and round the set. Finally the SWEDISH CHEF comes to a halt and grabs something out of a closet.

SWEDISH CHEF: Hmmm... Hooh. Insteed, ve-a cetch zee Mukuna veet zee bloonderbooss!

AKIRA: Blunderbuss?

The SWEDISH CHEF takes aim at MOKONA and fires, blasting away several areas of the set, without success. AKIRA takes cover in the audience.

AKIRA: Excuse me, can I sit here?

SUBARU: No. Suffer.

NOKORU: Sumeragi-san...

SUBARU: Fine, I'll go backstage again. But if I get grabbed and molested or killed - I'll come back and haunt you!

SUOH: Hmmm... who will exorcise the Exorcist?

SUBARU: That's right - you just remember that.

SUBARU leaves and AKIRA takes his seat. Onstage, the SWEDISH CHEF has finally gotten a good angle on MOKONA, because it is dancing on his head again. The SWEDISH CHEF pulls the trigger just as MOKONA bounces up in joy and takes out some of his hair. MOKONA laughs and dances away.

SWEDISH CHEF: Unybudy gut a roobber cheeckee I cun cuuk insteed?

***

In the audience:

NOKORU: Okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

SUOH: I am.

UNSEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Me too.

***

Backstage:

KERMIT: That thing's a menace! It should fit right in here.

MOKONA: *popping up in front of him* PUUU!! *gives KERMIT a great big sloppy kiss* Pupupupupupuuuuuu!!!

The backdoor opens again and a slightly panting KAMUI comes in. He is once more dressed in his school uniform.

KAMUI: Is it safe to come back now?

KERMIT: Huh?

KAMUI: There was this crazy pig...

KERMIT: Ahhh... all is revealed.

KAMUI: No it wasn't, but it was a close thing. Is it safe to come back now? This is my last school uniform.

KERMIT: The coast is clear. I'm sorry you had such a hard time, but hey! At least you're back in time to see the finale!

KAMUI: You mean... it's nearly over?

SUBARU: Thank goodness.

KAMUI: Subaru, are you feeling better?

SUBARU: Yes. Are you alright?

KAMUI: I'll be fine as soon as we get out of here.

SUBARU: I couldn't agree more.

KERMIT: It hasn't been THAT bad!

KAMUI and SUBARU: Yes it has!

KERMIT: Eep. Oh well, maybe you'll like the final day.

KAMUI: Final _day_?

KERMIT: Sketch! Sketch! I meant sketch! It'll be fun! Really!

***

The curtain has been decorated with a forest motif. A wooden house is visible at the left side of the stage.

V/O: The tale of Little Red Riding Hood.

YUZURIHA comes dancing out of the house. She is wearing a very cute dress with a red cape thrown over the top. The cape trails down to and over some of the floor and swirls around in typical Clamp style. INUKI is chasing the ends of the cape as it swishes.

V/O: Little Red Riding Hood lived in a house outside the forest with her loving Mother and Father.

There is a loud thump in the background.

V/O: OUCH!!! Uh... older Brother and Sister.

SORATA: *enters the scene* Awww... Miss!

ARASHI: *also enters* Hmph!

SORATA and ARASHI are both dressed in clean but casual clothing. YUZURIHA runs up to them, INUKI at her heels.

YUZURIHA: Fath... ahh... Big Brother!

SORATA: Baby girl... uh, sister. *his eyes gleam* Don't forget to greet your Sister-In-Law.

ARASHI: *punches SORATA in the arm* Don't listen to your imbecilic brother. I need you to take some food to our Grandma's house, because I'm too busy and he can't be trusted with complex tasks like this.

SORATA: Ow! Hey!
 
ARASHI hands YUZURIHA a picnic basket.

ARASHI: Now take care going through the forest, as there's a big bad wolf on the loose.

INUKI: Bark!

YUZURIHA: No problem! I'll be careful! Bye bye!

SORATA: Bye Red Riding Hood. Take care!

YUZURIHA runs off down the forest path. SORATA puts his arm around ARASHI's shoulders.

SORATA: Ahhh... they grow up so quickly. Maybe we should start on our next child now!

The scene shifts as ARASHI begins to pummel SORATA into a pulp. The house is pulled out of sight and the lights darken as YUZURIHA "travels" through the forest. She carries on until she comes upon...

YUUTO: Well hello there.

YUUTO is dressed normally, and looks every inch the playboy. A cigarette dangles from his fingers.

YUUTO: So, what's a sweet tender young thing like you doing in a place like this?

YUZURIHA: I'm off to my Grandma's house to give her some goodies.

YUUTO: Well now, aren't _you_ a good little girl. You take care now.

YUZURIHA: Kay! Thank you!

V/O: Unbeknownst to Little Red Riding Hood, this playboy was none other than the Big Bad Wolf. And now that he knew where Little Red Riding Hood was going, he made haste to get to her Grandma's house. Meanwhile...

YUZURIHA has been circling for a while when she suddenly comes face to face with KUSANAGI, who has entered stage right. He is carrying an axe.

YUZURIHA: Hallo! Who are you?

KUSANAGI: I am Kusanagi, *sweatdrops* a humble woodcutter.

YUZURIHA: Wow! You look really strong! I bet you're a
GREAT woodcutter!

KUSANAGI: Oh no I... no I'm not! I'm terrible! I can hear the trees and their pain and it's terrible! Why do people hurt the plants? Can't they feel their pain? When they cut the trees they scream. Why don't humans know it's wrong? They don't need the wood anyway. *throws the axe down* I quit! Damn people anyway!

YUZURIHA: *concerned* Wow, you sound really conflicted about that.

KUSANAGI: I am.

YUZURIHA: Why don't we go get some ice cream and you can talk about it?

KUSANAGI: That would help, yes. Nice dog by the way.

YUZURIHA: Thank you! His name's Inuki!

YUZURIHA, KUSANAGI and INUKI jump off the stage and head down the aisle and out the back door of the theatre, talking non-stop the whole time.

***

Backstage:

KERMIT: What the hey?

SORATA: Uh, she's a bit like that sometimes.

ARASHI: ...

SUBARU: ...

KERMIT: What are we going to do? We don't have a Red Riding Hood!

KAMUI: Darn, that's too bad. Can I go home now?

KERMIT: Argh. Quick, cue the scene with Granny and the Big Bad Wolf!

There is the sound of frantic movement and YUUTO runs towards the stage.

KERMIT: Okay, that's bought us some time. Now if we just had someone who could be Little Red Riding Hood.

SUBARU: Somebody young.

ARASHI: Somebody cute.

SORATA: Somebody who would look good in a cape.

KAMUI: Why is everyone looking at me?

***

Onstage:

The curtain has now risen to show the interior of a hut. A large bed takes up most of the right side of the stage. There is a knock at the "door" on the left and it swings open.

YUUTO: Yoo hoo... oh Granny!

Granny sits up in the bed. A kerchief holds her curls back, but the rest of her nightwear is decidedly un-grannyish.

KAREN: Well hello there...

She stretches, showing off her negligee. YUUTO appreciates the view.

YUUTO: *smiling* Oh dear, my mistake. I thought this was _Grandma's_ house.

KAREN: *also smiling* It is.

YUUTO: And when is your grandmother due back young lady?

KAREN: *giggling* I don't know if I should be telling you that. You could be anyone.

YUUTO: I'm not anyone - I'm the Big Bad Wolf!

KAREN: Oh _really_.

YUUTO: Want me to show you the Big Bad Wolf?

KAREN: Is it very bad?

YUUTO: It's downright evil.

KAREN: Let's go!

KAREN hops out of the bed, links her arm through YUUTO's and they jump off the stage and head out the back door.

***

Backstage:

KERMIT: ....

SORATA: ....

ARASHI: ....

SUBARU: ....

KAMUI: Does this mean I can go?

KAMUI is now wearing a long red cape. KERMIT shakes himself and recovers.

KERMIT: Uhhh... no problem! We'll just get someone else to be the Wolf. Where's Seiichirou?

SORATA: His pager went off and he had to leave.

KERMIT: Oh no, who's going to be the Wolf?

There is a blur and SUBARU is gone.

SORATA: Wow he's fast.

KERMIT: Get out there Kamui!

KAMUI: Uhhh... okay.

***

Onstage:

There is a knock at the "door" and KAMUI enters the set. Cautiously he approaches the bed.

KAMUI: Sub... Grandmother?

Granny sits up in the bed.

FUUMA: Come closer granddaughter.

KAMUI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I thought you were Subaru!

FUUMA: Surprise! It's your OTHER Granny! Now come closer and let me give you a kiss.

***

Backstage:

SORATA: What the hell? Then where's Subaru?

***

In the box:

SUBARU: How'd I get up here? WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES???!!!

SEISHIROU: Well hello Poochie. You look hot. I think I'd better take your temperature.

SEISHIROU pulls a thermometer out of his coat pocket.

SUBARU: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

***

Onstage:

FUUMA: Come on now. Give Granny a kiss.

KAMUI: No way!

FUUMA: Now now, don't disappoint the audience - there's hardly any more sketch to go! Just stick to the script and everything will be alright.

KAMUI: Argh. Why does this always happen to me? Oh alright.

Clutching the picnic basket till his knuckles turn white, KAMUI reluctantly approaches the bottom of the bed and clears his throat for the remaining lines.

KAMUI: *hoarsely* My, grandmother, what big eyes you have.

FUUMA: *smiling* All the better to see you with, my pet.

KAMUI: *gathering strength* My, grandmother, what big teeth you have.

FUUMA: *grinning evilly* All the better to nibble you with, my sweet.

KAMUI pauses and tries to get it together for his next line but he is thwarted by FUUMA's next actions...

FUUMA gets out of the bed and lets the sheets slide off his body, revealing that he is absolutely, totally, completely and UTTERLY naked. Fortunately (?) KAMUI is blocking the view of the audience, so the, er, full Fuuma is unrevealed. To all but KAMUI that is.

KAMUI: ... Oh my GOD would you look at the SIZE of that thing?!!!

FUUMA: All the better to...

The rest of the dialogue is cut off as KAMUI flees the stage, shrieking incoherently. The curtains come down rather hurriedly, just in time to save (?) the audience from a decent shot of Fuuma.

AUDIENCE: Awww...

***

Backstage:

KAMUI: *throttling KERMIT* Where was the #$%^ing woodcutter to save me?!!!

KERMIT: Ack. Sorry, we thought Seiichirou would be back by now.

KAMUI: AUGH!!! *begins to sob* It's not faiiirrr!!! *sniffles*

ARASHI: There there, it's alright. Let's slip out now.

KAMUI: *sob* But what about Fuuma?

SORATA: *evil grin* Taken care of.

***

Onstage:

FUUMA: WHO TOOK MY CLOTHES??!!!

***

The curtain has fallen and KERMIT comes out.

KERMIT: Well, that's all we have for you tonight folks. We hope you enjoyed our show, but BEFORE we go let's give a big thanks to our VERY special guests - the stars of X!

Massive applause from the audience.

FUUMA steps onto the stage. He is now wearing SUBARU's clothes and they really don't suit him.

FUUMA: It's the end!

KERMIT: Yes it is.

FUUMA: No, really. I didn't get Kamui so I'm going to end the show, AND the world tonight! Come on Dragons of Earth, let's get them!

Crickets chirp.

FUUMA: Where is everyone?

KERMIT: They all left already.

FUUMA: What?

KERMIT: Seiichirou had to work, Kusanagi and Yuzuriha went for ice cream, Karen and Yuuto and Seishirou and Subaru have vanished off to places we don't want to think about, Nataku's still bonding with Gonzo, Animal is still chasing Satsuki, Kakyou's slept through the whole thing, and the Clamp Campus trio slipped off with Sorata, Arashi and Kamui for tea.

FUUMA: You mean... they all ditched me?

KERMIT: Well, one, um, guest is still here.

FUUMA: Well, bring THEM on!

MOKONA: PUUUUUPUPUPUPUPUPU!!! *dances on Fuuma's head*

FUUMA: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

KERMIT: *hurriedly* Thank you all and goodnight!

***

The End.

***

Author's Notes:

Yeesh.

I hope everyone enjoyed this story. It was a great deal of fun to write although a right pain to organise - in part because it was in sketches! Different sketches got written at different times, and trying to sort them all out and get the events in order was a real nuisance! Learn from my feeble example - plot the story first!

Anyway, this story could not possibly have been written without inspiration from the brilliant story "The Muppet Show Tribute to Anime" by Bridget E. Wilde. I STRONGLY recommend that people who enjoyed this story read it, especially if you're a Ranma 1/2 fan. It can be found at:
http://www.gci-net.com/users/w/wildeman/bridget.htm

I owe the style of this fic to that story, and also to the equally hysterical story Muppets/Star Trek crossover story "Genetic Drift: or, Grades of Shay", by Russell E. Billings, Robert W. Miracle, Elizabeth Hildebrand, David E. Brooks, Jr. with help from: Scott Marusak, which I also highly recommend. It can be found at:
http://www.st-minutiae.com/humor/muppets.htm

Song Credits:

"Crucify My Love" is copyrighted and brilliantly performed by X Japan.

"I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" was written by Rodgers and Hammerstein for the musical _South Pacific_ (1958 I think).

The "Baby, It's Cold Outside" sketch originally appeared on the Rudolf Nureyev episode of the Muppet Show.  The lyrics are copyright 1948, renewed 1976, Frank Music Corp. and are from "Neptune's Daughter," which originally starred Esther Williams. Thanks to Bridget Wilde (and her mother) for the info.

I would also like to thank:

Animelyrics.com - for the lyrics to Crucify My Love.

Leareth - for her story Crucify My Love, which alerted me to the existence of that gorgeous song which I felt the need to totally devalue by using so inappropriately.

The Muppet Show and the late Jim Henson - because without you I probably would have grown up normal.

The Encheferiser programme and Mail from the Chef (http://www.ph.tn.tudelft.nl/~dick/chef.html), because otherwise the Swedish Chef's dialogue would have consisted of strange sounds I made up.

Truth - for her shrieks of laughter.

Orla - for the doujinshi and reports from Japan.

All the rest of the crew from Insane Musings.

And of course My Lady Ile Getaroun Tuit, the Patron Saint of Procrastination. I couldn't have done it without you.

Jaelle, 9th August 2001.


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