The X/Muppet Crossover

Part One

by Jaelle


Yes, it's my fault. Inspired by the brilliant Ranma 1/2 Muppet Special, and the Muppet/Star Trek Crossover. In the spirit of both of these stories (and because I couldn't face writing it out in full) I shall do this fic in "script" style in parts. So nyeah.

The Muppet Show is copyright to Jim Henson Productions. X is copyright to CLAMP. No infringement upon these copyrights is intended. Cos it's a parody, donchaknow?


V/O = Voice Over


A Theatre in 1999...

Backstage:

A familiar green amphibian is looking worried.

KERMIT: What do you mean he wouldn't come?

SCOOTER: Sorry boss. When I said "Muppet Show", he screamed and hung up.

KERMIT: Darnit, it's not like he has anything better to do since he lost that court case. Boy, it's getting harder and harder to find guests - everyone's so busy getting ready for the year 2000 celebrations. Oh how I WISH we had a guest star...

The area darkens ominously.

FUUMA: Good evening.

KERMIT: AHHH! Oh my heart, you nearly scared me to death!

FUUMA: Thank you, I've been working on that.

KERMIT: Who are you and what are you doing here?

FUUMA: I am Kamui! I heard your wish...

SCOOTER: Are you a genie?

FUUMA: No, I'm Kamui.

KERMIT: A genie named Kamui?

FUUMA: No, a Dragon named Kamui!

KERMIT: Kamui the Magic Dragon?

SCOOTER: You don't look much like a dragon.

FUUMA: Angel then.

SCOOTER: Where are your wings?

FUUMA: Look, do you want your wish fulfilled or not?

KERMIT: My wish?

SCOOTER: Do we have to rub you and then get three wishes?

FUUMA: You DON'T have to rub me... but you can if you want. *sexy smile* And you only get the ONE wish. The wish that you make with all your heart. What is it that you desire?

SCOOTER: A copy of Windows 2000!

KERMIT: Guest stars!

FUUMA: (to Scooter) I wouldn't worry about Windows 2000 if I was you. (to Kermit) Very well then!

The area goes completely dark and then brightens up again, and there are now a lot more people in there.

SORATA: What the hell?

ARASHI: ...

KAREN: Where are we?

YUUTO: Why'd WE get dragged into this?

KAMUI: Subaru, what's going on?

SUBARU: Oh boy, I've got a REEEAAALLLLY bad feeling about this...

SEISHIROU: Don't worry Subaru-kun, I'll protect you.

SCOOTER: Oh boy! It's the stars of X! They'd be great guests! Can I get you to sign this doujinshi?

KAMUI: *glances at it* ACK!!! What am I doing? Noooooo...

KERMIT: So many guest stars - this is great! What a nice guy that was, I must send him a thank you card. Okay... all of you go get made up and I'll do the intro!

***

Onstage:

KERMIT: Ladies and Gentlemen - it's the Muppet Show! With our very special guest stars... The cast of the manga X!!! YAAAAAAYYYY!!!

Drum roll and the music starts.

CAST: It's time to play the music!
It's time to fight the fights!
It's time for the End of the World on the Muppet Show tonight!
It's time to raise up kekkai!
It's time to blow up sites!
It's time to watch bishonen on the Muppet Show tonight!

Up in the box overlooking the stage, two old guys are about to sing when they are summarily booted out of their seats.

FUUMA: *seating himself* Why did I make them come here?

SEISHIROU: I guess they'll never know.

FUUMA: It's just a type of torture, to appear on this show!

(onstage)

KERMIT: *singing* But now let's get things started

AUDIENCE: Why don't you get things started?

KERMIT: It's time to get things started...

ALL:

On the most sensational,
Inspirational,
Celebrational,
Angsterational,
This is what we call THE MUPPET SHOW!!!

Gonzo cuts loose with a wildly off-key note from his trumpet and the curtain comes down.

***

KERMIT runs out in front of the curtain to do his thing.

KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and WELCOME again to the Muppet Show! We have got an absolutely FANTASTIC show planned for you tonight for our guests are none other than the Dragons of Heaven and the Dragons of Earth, AKA the Angels and the Seals. Boy that must be hard to fit on a business card. Anyway, the main crew from the CLAMP manga X, who have taken the night off from preparing for the End of the World to appear here tonight.

SEISHIROU: *mildly* We took the night off? Really?

FUUMA: Shhhh... He doesn't know that this theatre is on a kekkai.

KERMIT: *sweatdrops* Uhhh... and so while I check that our insurance policy is up to date, here is our first act, the Great Gonzo. Yay! *flees offstage*

A blast of trumpets heralds the arrival of GONZO onstage.

GONZO: Thank you, thank you, thank you... and now for your edification and entertainment I will swallow swords while singing "Crucify My Love".

SEISHIROU and FUUMA: I love that song.

Music strikes up.

GONZO:
 Crucify my love, if my love is blind,
 Crucify my love, if it sets me free
 Never know, never trust
 That love should see a colour
 Crucify my love
 If it should be that way...

GONZO opens his mouth and carefully inserts a sword, which he slowly swallows to much applause.

GONZO: Ulp... Thank you! And now, verse two...
 Sing the heartache, feel it inside out
 When the wind cries, I'll say goodbye
 Tried to learn tried to find...

The doors at the back of the theatre burst open and SUOH TAKAMURA, AKIRA IJYUIN and NOKORU IMONOYAMA run into the audience pit.

AKIRA: Shirou-san, Shirou-san!

KAMUI sticks his head out the side of the stage: What is it?

NOKORU: The shinken! It's gone missing!

SEISHIROU: I _thought_ that hilt looked familiar.

FUUMA is too busy laughing to speak, until...

GONZO:
 To reach out for eternity,
 Where's the answer...

SEISHIROU: Hang on a second... he's swallowing ANOTHER sword...

FUUMA: WHAT???!!!

The two men leap from the box onto the stage, but it is too late. GONZO has swallowed the other shinken as well...

GONZO:
 Is this forever?
Thank you! Thank you! And now, I will devour these three colour-coded swords to the tune of "Forever Love".

The music strikes up again and GONZO lowers the first sword to his mouth but it suddenly glows and disappears, as do the other two.

GONZO: What happened?

STATLER: *reclaiming his seat* Those are evolving swords!

WALDORF: And they must have suddenly evolved intelligence and immediately fled this show!

They both laugh.

GONZO: Oh well... in that case, I shall swallow this pink baton to the tune of "Art of Life"...

A cry of "Hoooeee???" in the audience goes unheard as FUUMA and SEISHIROU advance on GONZO.

GONZO: Ah, my loyal fans.

FUUMA: Give me back the shinken!

GONZO: Er... you'll have to wait a couple of hours I'm afraid.

SEISHIROU: Not at all... I'll just go in after it!

GONZO: Oh no! Camilla! Chickens! Come to me!

Hordes of chickens storm the stage and attack FUUMA and SEISHIROU, who are eventually driven back amidst a storm of feathers.

KAMUI: *watching* Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

The curtain closes.

***

Backstage:

KERMIT: Are you feeling alright Gonzo?

GONZO: Oh I'm fine. Just a little stiff.

KERMIT: Uh huh...

YUUTO and SATSUKI wander past.

KERMIT: Hey guys! Wow, it's Yuuto and Satsuki from X!

*canned applause*

YUUTO: Hmmm... a talking frog. Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse? How appropriate.

SATSUKI: How... organic.

KERMIT: It's really great to have you all here as guests tonight.

YUUTO: Somehow I don't think the Dragons of Heaven would agree with you.

SORATA and FOZZIE BEAR walk past, joking and laughing.

SORATA: And then she hit me! Wokka wokka wokka!!!

YUUTO: *sweatdrops* Err...

KERMIT: Say, while we're getting things ready, why don't you two go out front and do a song for us?

SATSUKI: I don't sing.

KERMIT: Oh go on, I bet you have a wonderful voice.

The phone rings, but when Kermit answers it, it's just modem noise.

YUUTO: What was that?

SATSUKI: Beast agrees with the frog.

KERMIT: Beast?

SATSUKI: My friend.

KERMIT: Wow, we have Animal here. And he makes lots of strange noises like that. Only louder.

SATSUKI: Really? *gets interested* I'd like to meet him.

KERMIT: Okay. HEY ANIMAL!

ANIMAL: WOOOOOMMMMAAAAAANNNNN!!!

ANIMAL sprints up to SATSUKI and glomps her, then starts nibbling at her ears. SATSUKI screams and runs away.

KERMIT AND YUUTO: *sweatdrop*

The phone rings.

YUUTO: That will be for you.

The phone cord starts to try and strangle KERMIT. YUUTO leaves in a hurry.

***

FOZZIE, SORATA, ARASHI, KAREN and SEIICHIROU are watching as Kermit tries to fend off the enraged telephone.

SORATA: That doesn't look good.

ARASHI: What now? The stage is set but there's nobody out there and the audience is getting restless.

FOZZIE: No, they're always like that.

ARASHI: Oh.

SORATA: Does anyone know what's next?

*cicadas chirp*

SORATA: Well, do we have any volunteers?

KAREN: How about a duet?

SEIICHIROU: That would be fun! *BEEPBEEP*

He checks his pager.

SEIICHIROU: Oh. I have to call my wife. Excuse me.

He leaves, and KAREN sighs. SORATA looks at her.

SORATA: How about a solo?

KAREN: *sighs* Looks that way desn't it?

SORATA: Great... I'll introduce it.

Onstage:

SORATA steps out.

SORATA: Good evening folks! Owing to slight telecommunications difficulty, Kermit is unable to introduce our next act, so allow me to bring to you all the lovely and luscious Karen Kasumi, who will be performing... um, something tonight. YAAAAY!!!

He ducks back and the curtain opens. The background is a Soapland, with KAREN sitting by the large sauna. She is dressed (or undressed) in her normal outfit of really fancy lingerie. This one is blue, and the audience applauds and cheers loudly to indicate their approval.

KAREN: Thank you, thank you! No applause please, just throw money!

Coins rain onto the stage.

KAREN: *sarcastically* Thanks. *bends and picks up one of the coins* Okay, who was the cheap bastard who threw a ten-yen coin?

Snickers from the audience.

KAREN: Huh, he's probably married. Okay - hit it guys!

Music begins to play and Karen steps forward. Reaching her hands up to her hair she begins to sway from side to side while massaging her curls.

KAREN: *singing*
 I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
 I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
 I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
 And send him on his way

With a sway of her hips KAREN sashays to the side of the stage and sweeps her arms wide out.

 I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms
 I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms
 I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms
 And send him on his way

KAREN flips her hair back.

 Don't try to patch it up, tear it up, tear it up
 Wash him out, dry him out, push him out, fly him out
 Cancel him, and let him go, Yea, sister

 I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair
 I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair
 I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair
 And send him on his way

Smiling she flicks her fingers at the audience as they hoot and cheer.

 If a man don't understand you,
 If you fly on separate beams
 Waste no time, make a change,
 Ride that man right off your range

 Drop him out of the roll call
 And drum him out of your dreams
 Oho! If you laugh at different comics
 If you root for different teams

 Waste no time, weep no more,
 Show him what the door is for
 Drop him out of the road hall
 And run him out of your dreams

KAREN snaps her fingers and a flame appears.

 You can't light a fire when the wood's all wet
 You can't make a butterfly strong
 You can't fix an egg when it ain't quite good
 And you can't fix a man when he's wrong

 You can't put back a petal
 When it falls from a flower
 Or sweeten up a fellow
 When he starts turning sour

 If his eyes have drawn and shifted
 When you look for glance and glimpse
 Waste no time, make a switch,
 Drop him in the nearest ditch

 Drop him out of the roll call
 And drum him out of your dreams

Triumphantly, KAREN launches into the final chorus.

 I went and washed that man right outa my hair
 I went and washed that man right outa my hair
 I went and washed that man right outa my hair
 And sent him on his way

 I went and washed that man right outa my hair
 I went and washed that man right outa my hair
 I went and washed that man right outa my hair
 And sent him on his waaaaaaay!!!

Backstage, SEIICHIROU runs back to the others as KAREN is taking her applause.

SEIICHIROU: What'd I miss?

SORATA: Uhhh... nothing.

***

Behind the Theatre:

SUBARU: We CAN'T leave! That strange purple creature swallowed the shinkens!

NOKORU: Well it's not the first time they've been inside a person, right? It won't do them any harm.

SUBARU: Hmmm... he has a point, this _isn't_ the first time. Anybody got a scalpel?

KAMUI: SUBARU!!!

SUBARU: I wasn't serious.

SUOH: Yes, you were.

SUBARU: Yes, I was. But this is serious! Who knows what could happen next?

The backstage door opens and BEAUREGARDE THE JANITOR throws a huge tin of filthy water out.

KAMUI: *soaked* Well, that answered that question.

BEAUREGARDE: Oops. Sorry. *shrugs and leaves*

SUBARU: I don't think it's a good idea to stay here.

SUOH: I agree. It's not secure.

NOKORU: Oh, I think we should be safe enough Suoh. After all, it's only a theatre show.

SUOH: But Rijichou!

KAMUI: Look, argue all you want. I'm going to go change. Someone let me know what's happened afterwards. *storms off*

SUBARU: This is madness!

NOKORU: But as you said - we can't leave without the shinken. We'll just have to wait.

SUOH: What's your plan?

NOKORU: We'll watch the stage, Subaru can watch backstage.

SUBARU: Alright. At least we're all here. That's something. *he goes back inside*

SUOH makes to follow him.

NOKORU: Where are you going?

SUOH: I thought we were going to watch the stage?

NOKORU: Of course. *brandishes three front row tickets*

SUOH: You didn't.

NOKORU: But it's been so long since I went to the theatre Suoh. It will be fun!

SUOH groans.

NOKORU: Trust me!

They head for the main entrance.

SUOH: Hey, where's Ijyuin?

NOKORU: Probably making some tea or something. I hope so, I'm hungry.

***

In the Muppet commissariat:

AKIRA: I wonder if it's alright to make tea in here? Rijichou and Takamura-san must be thirsty by now.

He ventures into the kitchen where he is encountered by flying cutlery and a strange apparition.

SWEDISH CHEF: Hurr de yurn... vhere's zee blested furks? Vhu ete-a ell zee iceeng sooger?

AKIRA: Excuse me.

SWEDISH CHEF: UUUUURRHHHH!!! Ooh hellu.

AKIRA: The forks are over there. *points*

SWEDISH CHEF: Hurr???

AKIRA: Zee furks her uffer zere.

SWEDISH CHEF: Oh thunk yuoo fery mooch yuoong mun!

AKIRA: Nut et ell. Cun yuoo understund Ingleesh oor Jepunese-a? My muck-Svedeesh isn't fery guud, bork bork.

SWEDISH CHEF: Yuurrr, I cun understund yuoo. Cun I help yuoo?

AKIRA: Oh good! I'm looking for somewhere I can make some tea. Could I use this kitchen?

SWEDISH CHEF: Soore-a yuoo cun! Ere-a yuoo a cuuk tuu?

AKIRA: I do my best.

SWEDISH CHEF: Reeeellllyyy... foonderber! I cuoold reelly use-a yuoor help.

AKIRA: I'd be delighted to help!

SWEDISH CHEF: Vunt a cuukeee-a?

AKIRA: Dumu arugutu.

***

Onstage:

The set now looks like a surgery. MISS PIGGY is running her hands through her hair, which is now roughly two metres in length, whilst NURSE JANICE and DR BOB fiddle with various odd instruments. There is something on the operating table covered with a large sheet, and there is another person in a vets outfit washing up in the background. Who could it possibly be? :-)

V/O: And now it's time for Veterinarians Hospital. The continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the trees...

DR BOB: I go to the trees quite a lot, it's a dog thing. How about you Dr Sakurazuka?

SEISHIROU: *turning around, is revealed to be the other vet. Shock, horror.* I go to one tree quite a lot yes. It requires constant attention.

DR BOB: Must be a tough tree.

SEISHIROU: Oooooohhh my yes.

DR BOB: Well nurse, who is our first patient?

JANICE: *rips off the blanket* The chart says his name is Poochie.

SUBARU: Mmmmffff!!!

SUBARU is naked, bound, and gagged on the operating table. [the author pauses to wipe drool off her chin] He is in what is undoubtedly an extremely uncomfortable position, but does preserve his er... modesty. There is a dog collar around his throat. SEISHIROU is smirking in the background.

DR BOB: Nurse Janice, this can't be right. Are you sure that this is a pet?

SEISHIROU: Yes he is, in fact he's my pet!

SUBARU: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFF!!!!

MISS PIGGY: He's very cute.

SEISHIROU: *modestly* I've always thought so.

JANICE: Does he require much attention?

SEISHIROU: No... slaughter someone in front of him and he'll go on for years!

SEISHIROU laughs, but noone else does.

DR BOB: Now really Doctor Sakurazuka, your pet looks awfully like a person.

SEISHIROU: He's a very rare breed. There were only two of them in the world. Tragically, I had to put the other one down.

SUBARU'S next words are completely impossible to work out. Which is probably just as well.

JANICE: Dr Bob, I'm almost certain that this is a person!

MISS PIGGY: A very delicious person, but a person nonetheless.

DR BOB: Dr Sakurazuka, how could you make such an error?

SEISHIROU: It's my eye. Ever since I lost it I've had difficulty recognising things.

DR BOB: Maybe you should get a seeing eye dog!

SEISHIROU: What a good idea! I'll call him Poochie!

SUBARU: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMRRRGGGHHH!!!!

MISS PIGGY: I don't think this, er, dog, will help you much. He appears to be blind in one eye.

SEISHIROU: Are you sure?

DR BOB: All those who are sure, say aye!

MISS PIGGY: Aye!

JANICE: Aye!

DR BOB: The EYES have it! *they all laugh*

SUBARU: MMMFFFAAGGHHH!! *he manages to get the gag out* GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

SEISHIROU: Hush now. Sleep.

SUBARU falls instantly asleep.

DR BOB: What a useful skill you have Dr Sakurazuka. You must save more needles that way.

SEISHIROU: Surprisingly, I do seem to use a lot of those.

There is a long pause. Noone is going there.

DR BOB: Next patient Nurse Janice!

JANICE: Come this way please.

YUZURIHA: Hello?

DR BOB: This one is a person too!

YUZURIHA: Oh, it's not me. It's my dog, Inuki.

INUKI: BARK!

DR BOB: What dog?

YUZURIHA: He's right here! *tears form in her eyes* Don't tell me you can't see him?

DR BOB: Fraid not, maybe _I_ should get a seeing eye dog! Hey wait - I AM a seeing eye dog!

They ALL laugh except YUZURIHA.

YUZURIHA: It's not funny! My poor Inuki is hurt! Can't you do _anything_?

MISS PIGGY: I think _she's_ the one who needs medical attention.

DR BOB: But we're an ANIMAL hospital! Not a human one!

SEISHIROU: *smirking at INUKI* Let's humour the poor girl. Somebody give me a thermometer... *evil grin*

INUKI: Grrrrrrr....

INUKI attacks SEISHIROU and chases him off-stage.

V/O: And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians Hospital. Tune in next time when you'll hear Kusanagi say...

KUSANAGI: *walks onstage* It's terrible - I can't bear it anymore! The trees and plants are dying and it hurts!

DR BOB: I'm sorry, but for the last time - we don't treat people here!

KUSANAGI: Huh? You mean this isn't Veteran's Hospital?

*closing music*

***

Commercial Break

To Be Continued in Part Two


Go ON to Part Two