The Detective Conan Players Present: Scenes from the Mikado!


Mikado Conan

Author: Jaelle
Title: The Detective Conan Players Present: Scenes from the Mikado!
Type: Parody/Sillyfic (No, really? :-) Also technically a musical I guess.
Teaser: The Plot of Boy Detective Conan, as done by the Detective Conan cast using songs from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Mikado".
Overall Rating: G
Spoilers: Yeah, mostly for the general plotline though - a basic "what's going on".
Overall Warning: Always wear your seatbelt when in a car. Also, this will probably be more amusing if you actually know the songs or have them on CD or tape or something so you can get the tunes.
Keywords: Mikado; Conan; Shinichi; Ran; Filking
Disclaimer: I can lay claim to neither the Meitantei Conan crew, who were all created by Gosho Aoyama, nor the songs from the Mikado, which were composed and written by W.S. Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan.
Credit: The original song lyrics for the Mikado were obtained from The Mikado ( and the character information from Orla's Conan website ( I couldn't have done it without either of them (and one is forced to wonder if this is a good thing?) Most of the lyrics have been fiddled with to some degree, to alter the songs to "filk" them. Some have not been altered at all (the final song for example) except for one or two words because they already fit so well.


{Indicates the title of the song being filked}
[Indicates actions]

The theatre is dark.

As the orchestra finishes tuning up, the audience quietens and an air of anticipation creeps into every nook and cranny. The conducter arrives and all stand to applaud him. He takes his place and raises his baton. A slow drumming beat begins and the curtain slowly raises...

[The lights come up on the stage, revealing a line of policemen. Inspectors MEGURE, and SHIRATORI are in the centre, with Detectives TAKAGI and SATOU on either side of them. All the policemen bow and begin to sing.]

{To the tune of _If You Want To Know Who We Are_}

If you want to know who we are,
We are policemen of Japan!
On many street corner,
On many a screen and fan!

We guard Tokyo Prefecture!
Solve crimes with our conjecture!

I like architecture! Ohhhh!

If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette.
You don't understand these things:
It is simply Police etiquette.

We will right the wrongs,
And fight crime all day long,
How do you like this song, oh?

[SATOU steps forward and glares around.]

I object to these sexist ways!
I'm a _policewoman_ of Japan!

[TAKAGI tries to placate her.]

Yet hear the reasoning for this phrase,
_Policepeople_ just wouldn't scan!

[They rejoin the other POLICE members and repeat the main refrain.]

If you want to know who we are,
We are [long pause] the police force of Japan! [SATOU nods in approval]
On EVERY street corner!
We have oh so many fans!
On screen and fan so many many many many many many many FANS!

[As the POLICE triumphantly finish their song, a scream rings out and a spotlight illuminates a body lying at the back of the stage. Near it are three SHADY CHARACTERS. The POLICE appear to be baffled by the murder and mutter among themselves in confusion. Unnoticed by them, a high school student enters stage left. The crowd goes wild as they realise that it is none other than SHINICHI. SHINICHI bows briefly to his fans and walks up to the POLICE.]

Good evening to you all. I hear you have a case that needs assistance?

Why, who are you who ask this question?

Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.

[The orchestra can be seen putting earplugs in their ears before playing the opening bars to SHINICHI's song, as he begins to sing. Badly. VERY badly.]

{To the tune of _A Wandering Minstrel I_}

A great detective I,
A man of great deductions,
Immune to all seductions,
And every single lie, and every single lie.

[SHINICHI eyes the three SHADY CHARACTERS before moving on to the body.]

My observation skills are strong,
I know forensics,
I spot things out of context,
And tell you in my song, and tell you in my song!

[SHINICHI examines the body and then turns to the POLICE.]

Are you in confused mood?
I'll come aid you,
Oh, I know!
On murderer's coldness do you brood?
I'll do so, too,
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!

[SHINICHI shakes his head over the body, then turns his attention back to the three SHADY CHARACTERS, examining each in turn. He continues to sing to the POLICE.]

I'll charm your willing ear,
While criminals stand near,
And as they tremble in fear,
I'll solve the case!
Oh, I know, I know!

[The SHADY CHARACTERS all look nervous. SHINICHI looks confident.]

But if obscure information is wanted,
I've peculiar facts and figures by the tonne!
No matter how the clues are planted,
My brilliant insight shall soon overcome!

Yes yes his insight shall always overcome!

[SHINICHI smiles and turns to the POLICE.]

Our police force, in ranks assembled,
Never doubt, or they conceal it if they do,
And I shouldn't be surprised if criminals trembled
At just the thought, yes the thought of all of you!

[The POLICE force are pleased to be so flattered, and smile at each other.]

And if it comes that you're in need of me,
You can call my mobile phone,
With a hi de ho, at your side I'll be,
A-raring to go and bouncing with glee,
Just listen to its siren tone!

[SHINICHI hands his phone number to MEGURE, who punches it in to his cellphone and they all listen to SHINICHI's ring. SHINICHI then turns back to the audience and resumes his song.]

To render aid in the darkest times,
That's what I most desire.
I'm ready for riddles and fiddly rhymes,
And when you're down,
And stuck in town,
I'll be there ready to help, yes help!
With my brains at your command!

[The music pauses as SHINICHI swivels round to face the three SHADY CHARACTERS and points at the middle one.]

YOU… are not my father!


YOU… are the weakest link! Goodnight!

[SHADY CHARACTER #2 also leaves, SHINICH turns to SHADY CHARACTER #3 and points at them.]

YOU… are the murderer Colonel Mustard! You used the candlestick and clubbed him in the library!

And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you blasted police and your darned high school detective!

There is only one truth!

[The music blasts back in again as some of the POLICE lead COLONEL MUSTARD off and SHINICHI takes centre stage and plaintively (and still badly) sings:]

A great detective I,
A man of great deductions,
Immune to all seductions,
And every single lie…

And every single lie.

[The music ends and the POLICE crowd around SHINICHI, talking to him and asking for his autograph. A spotlight shines on a small figure sitting on the edge of the stage.]

Or at least, that's how it USED to be.

[A curtain drops down, hiding the stage from view with the exception of the foot or so free at the front, part of which CONAN is perched on.]

Shinichi Kudo at your service. Or should I say, Conan Edogawa? You want to know how I got into this state? [He picks at his jacket.] Fine, I'll tell you. Or shall I show you instead? It all came about when I followed a suspicious-acting and looking man...

[The pianist in the orchestra begins to play the sort of "bad guy" music that was common in old movies involving women tied to train tracks. The curtain rises again, to show SHINICHI following a man in a black coat who will be recognised as VODKA. Unnoticed by SHINICHI, GIN comes up behind him and knocks him down, then feeds him a drug. GIN and VODKA leave, and SHINICHI convulses on the stage.]

And when I woke up, I was like this!

[He mournfully regards his seven-year old body as the curtain lowers again behind him.]

To protect my friends, Shinichi Kudo had to disappear, and Edogawa Conan came forth in his place. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've had to deceive EVERYONE, even my friends and family.

[CONAN begins to sing. He's just as bad as SHINICHI was.]

{To the tune of _Taken From the County Jail_}

Taken from my high school world,
By a set of curious chances;
Back to primary school I'm hurled,
On my own recognisances;
Wafted by a whimsical fate
As one sometimes is in manga,
Stuck in a position I hate,
Respected young adult no longer.
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances,
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances!

[The song ends and CONAN sighs.]

Fortunately, I have _some_ allies who know my secret, even if they are somewhat weird. There's Professor Agasa for one. He's the one who makes all my nifty gadgets and stuff.

[The curtain rises again to reveal Professor AGASA and the orchestra strikes up as the CHORUS enters stage left and begins to sing.]

{to the tune of _Behold the Lord High Executioner_}

Behold the Gen-i-us Inventioner!
A personage of high IQ and brains
A dignified and ancient officer,        [AGASA: Ancient???!]
Whose help in this is such a lucky gain!
Defer, defer,
To the Gen-i-us Inventioner!
Defer, defer,
To the Gen-i-us, to the Gen-i-us,
The Gen-i-us Inventioner!

[The song ends and AGASA leaves the stage, shaking his head and muttering "Ancient?"]

And there are others too. Not all looked for I might add. One of them...

[The POLICE enter, running around in circles.]

The Detective is coming! The Detective is coming!

Oh man.

[To an impressive trumpet blast, HEIJI enters, wearing his full formal kendo clothes. Removing his mask, he strikes a pose with his bokken and sings.]

{to the tune of _A More Humane Mikado_}

A more sexy detective never
Did in Japan exist!
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A cheerful optimist!
It is my very earnest endeavour
To solve crime conundrums.
And to beat Kudo,
Before he too knows,
Would be such a great deal of fun!

My object so sublime,
I will achieve in time,
To beat Shinichi to the crime,
Beat Shinichi to the crime!
And make the murderer pay!
And cheerfully save the day!
A source of hope and merriment,
Of hope and merriment!

All murderers who attack at will,
And leave whole communities shocked.
I'll track them with skill,
Undaunted until,
Behind bars they're finally locked!
The uncanny thief whose mystical ways,
Amaze all near and far,
I'll capture him yet!
Don't ever forget!
If it takes to the end of my days!

The basta...

[The CHORUS emits a shocked gasp.]


The evildoer who abuses young women,
And leaves them in the dust.
Though hidden in town,
I will hunt them down!
And cheerfully make the bust!
[HEIJI flicks a quick look at CONAN and moves on to the final part of the verse.]
The poisoner who defeated my rival,
I'll go after him as well.
He's the one I am after,
Both him and his partner,
Belong in a fiery hell!

My object so sublime,
I will achieve in time,
To beat Shinichi to the crime,
Beat Shinichi to the crime!
And make the murderer pay!
And cheerfully save the day!
A source of hope and merriment,
Of hope and merriment!

[The music comes to a riotous ending, with everyone dancing around to HEIJI's song.]

Maybe it's not too late to switch sides.


*sighs* And then there's Ai.

[AI HAIBARA enters.]


[More silence.]

[Cicadas chirp.]

[Even more silence.]

You didn't actually expect _me_ to sing did you?

*grins briefly* Ai actually invented the poison that turned us both into children. She used to work for the Black Organisation but defected to our side after her sister was killed by them. They were going to kill her too, and still will if they find her, but she "disguised" herself as a young girl in order to escape and stay hidden.

I had no choice. You can't imagine what it was like, chained up, waiting to die.

[The stage darkens as she hisses some words.]

{to the tune of the last verse of _I Am So Proud_}

To wait in dreadful silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a silenced pistol wielded by a big black block!

She's got reason to be afraid. Gin is still around, and I think he's still after us.

What makes you think that?

They're here! Hide!

[HEIJI, CONAN and AI scurry to hide in the wings as GIN enters. He's clearly angry and looking around.]

I could have sworn I heard that little traitor's voice. One of these days I'll catch that cow and kill her. Yes, just like I killed that other brat. I'll kill em all!

{to the tune of _I've Got a Little List_}

As each day it happens that a new victim is found,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of various offenders who might well be underground,
And never would be missed - who never would be missed!
The rotten politician, who wants a bigger bribe,
In fact let's face it all of them are just one rotten tribe.
There's the irritating novelist who writes up all your crimes,
And becomes a great bestseller listed in the New York Times.
The pestilential nuisance who follows you at work,
Who spots your partner doing deals - oh those ones really irk
So you're forced to feed them poison to make sure that they desist,
They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!

He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed!

There's the Osaka crusader, and the others of his race,
And the gadget-scientist - I've got him on the list!
And the people who poison my drink and put it at my place,
They never would be missed - they never would be missed!
Then the idiot detective, who always smokes and drinks,
And comes to a conclusion, but never stops to think;
And the lady cop in Tokyo, with her police partner guy,
Who do not know what's going on, and aren't certain why;
And that singular annoyance, the traitor scientist:
She really makes me pissed! - I'm _sure_ she'd not he missed!

He's got her on the list - he's got her on the list;
And he don't think she'll be missed - he's SURE she won't be missed!

[GIN exits stage right and CONAN, HEIJI and AI return to centre stage.]

Oh, just a hunch.
[to audience]
Fortunately, he doesn't really know about all of us.

But if he ever does find out, he'll kill EVERYONE.

Which is why we're trying to keep the whole thing quiet. But it's not just us. There are other friends of mine who help with things but don't know the secret - like the Child Detective Force.

[AYUMI, MITSUHIKO and GENTA enter as music starts up.]

{to the tune of _Comes a Train of Little Ladies_}

Comes a train of little children,
To scholastic trammels we,
Not a bit afraid are we then,
Wondering what the world can be!

Is it but a world of trouble,
Sadness set to song?

Is its beauty but a bubble,
Bound to break ere long?

Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?

[They all look at each other.

Children we, all eight (and under),
To scholastic trammels we,
And we wonder - how we wonder!
What on earth the world can be!

[The music ends and the three kids tromp off, singing a cheerful marching song.]


They could get in trouble.

I know, but I can't get rid of them.

That's very weak of you.

No, I really can't get rid of them. They won't go away!

Is there anyone else we need to introduce now?


[All three make a rude noise.]

Oh yeah, there's...

[Music starts up again.]

Here they come!

[RAN, KAZUHA and VERMOUTH enter in proper Japanese kimonos, all twirling little parasols.]

Ye Gods.

{to the tune of _Three Little Maids_}

Three little maids from school are we,
Smart as a clever girl can be,
Packed to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!

One from Osaka-jo is she,   [KAZUHA twirls her parasol, nearly putting HEIJI's eye out]
One's a woman of mystery,       [VERMOUTH smirks]
One's a champion of karate.     [RAN smiles shyly]
Three little maids from school.

Three little maids who're sweet and peachy,
Two are students and one's a teach-y,
Give them a chance to find Shinichi...
Three little maids from school, three little maids from school.

One wants to meet her best friends rival,  [KAZUHA smacks HEIJI without looking]
One wants to jeopardise his survival,     [VERMOUTH smirks again]
Last is the girl who caught his eyeful,    [RAN looks confused]
Three little maids from school.

From three little maids take one away, [VERMOUTH walks a short distance away]
She will sneak off for her games to play
Don't find her out or she'll have to slay
Two little maids from school!

[CONAN, AI and HEIJI look sick as VERMOUTH rejoins RAN and KAZUHA]

Three little maids who're not so timid,
Stronger than steel and dressed so vivid,
Give Ran the slip and she'll be livid.
Three little maids from school, three little MAIDS from school!

[As the music ends, the three "maids" are left centre-stage, while AI, HEIJI and CONAN are off to one side, conferring hastily.]

Well, that's nearly everyone. And now we get to explain the problem.

Put simply, it's this...

Where IS that wretched Shinichi?

*gulp* You see, I'm staying with Ran but she is NOT in on the secret of who I am. But I really want to tell her. I...  care about her. And she's hurting so much because I can't tell her. I really REALLY want to tell her!

But you CAN'T!

You KNOW the Black Organisation would kill her if they thought she knew!

She's at enough risk right now!

Shinichi! Where are you?!

Oh dear. Here's a pretty how de do.

{to the tune of _Here's a How-de-do!_}

Here's a how-de-do!
If I tell her true,
If by chance I should then perish,
Then the maiden whom I cherish
Would be slaughtered too!
Here's a how-de-do!
Here's a how-de-do!

Here's a pretty mess!
He's doomed more or less.
If he tells her he's in trouble,
The body count is sure to double!
Witness my distress,
Here's a pretty mess!
Here's a pretty mess!

Here's a state of things
To her life he clings!
Risking life and limb to be here,
Love is blind and so is he dear.
Burial this brings!
Here's a state of things!
Here's a state of things!

With a passion that's intense
I/He worship(s) and adore(s),
But the laws of common sense
I/He oughtn't to ignore.
If I/he tells her true,
Tis death to know of you!
Here's a pretty state of things!
Here's a pretty how-de-do!
Here's a pretty state of things!
A pretty state of things!

Here's a how-de-do!

Here's a how-de-do!

Here's a how-de-do!

If he dares to tell her true,
She'll likely die in helping you,
Here's a pretty, pretty state of things!

[The music ends and all three speak:]
Here's a pretty how-do-do!

Argh! It's not fair. Oh well, I guess at least it can't get any worse.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Oh NO!!! Why does HE have to be here.

Of COURSE I had to be here... because...

[KAITO KID swings onto the stage from somewhere in the audience, dressed all in white. The music starts up as he announces dramatically...]

I am the Master Thief!

{to the tune of _I Am the Pirate King_}

I am the Master Thief!

He is the Master Thief!

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Master Thief!

[The music crashes abruptly to a halt as HEIJI starts yelling at the orchestra and CONAN steps forward.]

What are you DOING???

Huh? I wanted to do a song so I just thought I'd... _steal_ the scene!

You moron! We're doing the _MIKADO_! Not _The Pirates of Penzance_!

Oh. Uh, oops?


[The KAITO KID bows formally to the audience and then disappears in a puff of smoke.]

Show off.

[His cellphone rings.]


[Over in the corner, RAN starts yelling into the phone, not noticing that it's CONAN she's talking to.]

Shinichi you idiot!

[CONAN gulps and uses his bowtie to create Shinichi's voice.]


When are you going to visit me? I've been waiting and waiting and WAITING!

Um... soon. But I'm on this case...

I don't care! You WILL be here at 5 to take me to the movies or else there will be TROUBLE!!

But... but... but...

[RAN hangs up.]

I'm doomed.

Ha! That's fixed that Shinichi. Now he'll HAVE to come.

[SONOKO enters and overhears.]

You're going to meet Shinichi?

Yes! I finally insisted that he show up!

Oh wow! You've got to get ready!

What do you mean?

[SONOKO and the GIRLS of the classroom surround RAN as the music starts again.]

{to the tune of _Braid the Raven Hair_}

Braid the light brown hair
Weave the supple tress
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness               [RAN blushes]
Paint the pretty face
Dye the coral lip
Emphasise the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride.

Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew,
Try if you can cry,
We will do so, too.

[RAN is totally baffled.
I'm not going to cry over that idiot! What are you all doing? Hey! Hello?
They ignore her as the music continues.]
When you're summoned, start
Like a frightened roe.

[CONAN and HEIJI stifle snickers at the idea of RAN trying to be cutesy like that.]

Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go!
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride!

Bride??? We're just going to the movies!

Braid the light brown hair...

[The music halts as RAN stands up.]

Stop it all of you! Be serious. I'm just meeting him to go to the movies and that's all!

Oh Ran, we're just kidding you.

Now she says that! Help me revive him.

[At some point during the song, CONAN has fainted away in horror either of the images or the marriage plans that SONOKO has been singing about. AI and HEIJI shake him gently back to consciousness and he sits up.]

I've decided! I'll tell her everything!

Have you been listening to us at all? You'll get her killed!


Absolutely not! You don't have the right to risk her life as well. You'll just have to sit tight.

Well, so what if she knows? They'll never find out.

Would you bet your life on that?

Would you bet _hers_? Imagine if they DO find out!

[The music begins again.]

{to the tune of _Young Man Despair_}

Kudo despair,
Likewise go to,
Ran Mouri the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do:
I'm sorry for you,
You very imperfect solutioner!

This very day
From school Ran-san,
Has wound her way,
And homeward come,
With beat of drum
And a rum-tum-tum,
To see her favourite solutioner!

And if she does, so what?

We'll tell you what!]

And the guns will flash,
And the sirens bray,
And they'll cut a dash
As they run away!
The Org. will target him, and also her,
With the evil Executioner!

And the cars will crash,
And the parents pray,
And they'll cut a dash
As they run away!
The Org. will target him, and also her,
With the evil Executioner!

It's a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I'd flee;
But don't blame me-
I'm sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.

She's expecting you,
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon.
Her live's at stake,
Well you might quake,
At 3 pm I suggest you shun her!

Or the glass will smash,
As they enter fray,
And they'll cut a dash
As they run away!
The Org. will target him, and also her,
With the evil Executioner!

ALL [except RAN]:
And the forces will clash,
To their great dismay,
And they'll make a dash,
Try to run away!
The Org. will murder him, and also her,
With the evil Executioner!

[The music ends as a clock rings out 3. CONAN slumps to the ground.]

Why? Why doesn't he come back? Shinichi!!!!!

[She and all the others exit, leaving CONAN alone onstage.]

So there's my story. Ahh... AND I also have to solve crimes to help people. It's not easy either, being a kid again.

What's that? How will it all end? I don't know. But I can hope...

[The music starts again and the ENTIRE cast (including CHORUS) comes out, dancing and singing. CONAN stands up to be joined by SHINICHI and RAN, who have their arms entwined about each other. GIN, VODKA and VERMOUTH watch from the corner, handcuffed and guarded by the POLICE.]

{to the tune of _The Threatened Cloud Has Passed Away_}

The threatened cloud has passed away,

And brightly shines the dawning day!

What though the night may come too soon,

There's yet a month of afternoon!

Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance.

With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!

A day, a week, a month, a year...

Or far or near, or far or near,

Life's eventime comes much too soon,

You'll live at least a honeymoon!

Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance.

With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!

With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate, inaugurate our new career!
With joyous shout and ringing cheer, joyous, joyous shout,
With laughing song and merry dance,
With laughing song and merry dance!
With song and dance!

[The music swells as the final chorus is repeated, then the POLICE lead GIN, VODKA and VERMOUTH to the front of the stage, all bow and depart. The Child Detective Force is up next, bowing to cheers and leaving. Finally KAZUHA, HEIJI and AI take their bows, leaving SHINICH, RAN and CONAN onstage. SHINICHI and RAN are lost in each others eyes and CONAN smiles as he bows. The curtain comes down.]


The End

Story finished: 14 April 2002.



[The audience has been applauding madly, screaming and stamping their feet until finally CONAN comes out from behind the curtain.]

So I take it you want an encore?


Oh boy. Okay. As astute readers will note, several characters did get left out of this. In order to make up for this, we now present the cast of Detective Conan:

{to the tune of _Miya sama/March of the Mikado's Troops_}

Edogawa, Edogawa
Mitsuhiko, Ayumi
Ai Haibara, Genta too
And Agasa-san.
Ran-neechan, Kazuha, Sonoko.

Edogawa, Edogawa,
Shiratori, Megure,
Satou, Akai, Takagi,
Heizo, Makoto, Kogoro.

Edogawa, Edogawa,
Yukiko and Yusaku,
Gin and Vodka,
Toyama, and Otaki-san.
Shizuka, Kiseki, Araide,

Edogawa, Edogawa,
Cool guy, cool kid, Sherry-san,
Vermouth, Vineyard,
Secret woman,
That is all, that's the end, sayonara!


DVD Extra: Behind the Scenes of _Mikado Conan_:

In her study, Jaelle is chewing her lip and staring at the ceiling. She mutters to herself:

"There's a word. A word I want for this song. It's something that Shinichi is good at and I really need it. I know there's a word for this. That thing. That thing where you examine the crime scenes and work stuff out from the chemicals and stuff. I know the one. What's the word... the word..."

*long pause*


*equally long pause*

"What the hell rhymes with forensics?!"

*again with the pause*


Really The End.

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