Internal Affairs

A FMA Fanfic

By Jaelle

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Spoilers: None.

Rating: PG-13.

Pairings: Sore wa himitsu desu.

Genre: Humour.

Edward Elric stormed through the outer office of East City HQ, barely pausing even to snarl in response to Hawkeye’s greeting. He kicked Colonel Roy Mustang’s office door open, strode through, and slammed it behind him. The walls shook.


Breda winced at the incoherent screams that followed. “Wow, wonder what’s got him so riled up today.”

“Hmmm...” Havok considered. “You don’t think that someone actually DID call him a bean and a micro-chibi this time, do you?”

Farman and Fury winced at the idea. Hawkeye ignored them all, focusing on her paperwork. The men all shrugged and settled back down to work, casting occasional glances at the door, ready to run if they saw even one glow of Alchemic power.

The yelling in Roy’s office ceased abruptly. Everyone pricked up their ears, trying to figure out what might have happened. Minutes ticked by slowly, and still no sound issued forth. Sweat glistened on the foreheads of the men of the office.

“My God,” Fury whispered. “He’s KILLED the Colonel!”

Hawkeye sighed and stood up, “I will see if the Colonel needs anything...” As she moved towards the door, there was a loud moan from the other side.

Everyone froze.

Faintly, the sound of squeaking could be heard. Farman glanced at Fury and mouthed, “I forgot to get maintenance to oil the wheels on his chair.”

Havok and Breda glanced at each other and edged towards the door. Pressing against it, they listened with incredulity, and then growing glee at the sounds from inside.

“Uh... uh... UHHHH!!!”

“Holy shit,” Farman murmured. “Are they doing what I think they’re doing?”

Rhythmic thumping sounds began, interspersed with more grunts and moans. A familiar voice cried out, “Ah! Roy! ROY!”

Breda’s face broke out into a wide smirk and he held out his hand to Farman and Fury. “Alright losers, pay up!” He whispered triumphantly. “I TOLD you so!”

Grumbling, the two other men fished out their wallets, and pulled out some notes. Hawkeye simply stood in the middle of the room, still frozen in her original pose, a look of horror dawning on her face.

Farman and Fury approached the door and handed money over to Breda. Havok sighed and dug out his own wallet.

“Roy... ROY!”

Breda chuckled as he counted the cash. “That’s a good boy Ed. You just keep telling them I was right.”

“Oh Roy! NOW!”

The door was yanked open abruptly at the yell, and the four men crouching on the other side jumped and stared at Roy Mustang, standing before them fully dressed and with a distinctly unamused expression on his face. From her vantage point further back in the room, Hawkeye watched as Ed stopped kicking the desk and moved up to stand behind the Flame Alchemist, grinning malevolently.

“Edward-kun has just told me a very interesting thing,” Roy purred dangerously. “Apparently there’s a rumour going around HQ that the two of us are having sex together on a regular basis. In fact, I believe the exact words were, ‘going at it like a pair of cats in heat’.”

“Oh shit,” Havok summed up the feelings of the group.

Roy’s eyes darkened menacingly. “Naturally, I was horrified. In fact, I refused to believe it. So Edward-kun and I discussed it further. And now, after our little discussion is over, I come out here to find Hawkeye looking shocked and appalled, as she should be, and YOU four with money in hand. So...” he pulled a glove on slowly.

“Who wants to tell me where this rumour started?”


First Optional Epilogue

The phone rang loudly.


“Hughes, it’s Roy. Start running.”

Second Optional Epilogue

After Ed had chased the four screaming men down the corridor, Roy shook his head in disgust.

He turned to the frozen Hawkeye and touched her gently on the shoulder. “I’m sorry. Did we scare you?”

Hawkeye shook herself and glared at him. “That was cruel.”

“But necessary,” Roy looked around quickly and pulled her into a long kiss. “I AM sorry.”

“Hmph,” she said. “I was horrified. Even WE haven’t had sex in your office.”

Roy checked his watch. “Would you like to? Ed will probably keep chasing them for a while now.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

And so they did.

Third Optional Epilogue

"I can't believe those guys," Ed sighed, shaking his head as he and Roy re-entered Roy's office. "Can you believe they actually thought we were having sex in here?"

Roy snorted. "I know. It's ridiculous!"

"Absolutely," Ed agreed. "So, tonight, usual place?"

"Hotel de Lion, Suite 12, 9pm." Roy nodded. "Bring lube."

There is no fourth optional epilogue, for which you may all be grateful.

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