A Sailor Moon Fanfiction
By Jaelle and Orla
We originally used the Americanised translations of the characters names because, well, we were more used to them, however we've recently changed the names back to their correct Japanese versions.
Legal Type Stuff:
The characters herein are not ours (with two exceptions) and we are not attempting to infringe upon the rights of those people who own the copyright of Sailor Moon, or upon those of the creator. This fanfic is produced explicitly for fun and no profit is being made from it. Likewise the references to Doom are also not attempting to infringe upon copyright. This is a work of parody.
This is a work of fiction and any similarities to persons alive or dead is rather worrying.
The characters of Sailor Phobos and Sailor Deimos are original inventions of Jaelle and Orla, who _do_ bear some similarities to those two sometimes, which is INCREDIBLY worrying.
"Rei... Rei! REI!"
"What what what?" Rei awoke abruptly from her sweet dream about herself, two pots of honey and... well, let's just leave it at that.
"Wake up Rei!"
"Minako? What are you doing here?"
"Did you see the news on TV this morning?"
"One, I don't like TV and two, I had, up till now, been quite happily asleep after an exhausting late night helping Yuuichirou."
"Oh. Well, look at the paper then." Minako thrust a newspaper at Rei, who sighed and read the top story. "'Woman gives birth to Elvis' two-headed love child'?"
"No! The bottom article!"
"Oh. 'Falling Mars Probe on Collision Course for N.Z.' You woke me up to read a silly scandal story?"
"No, it's real, honest."
Makoto came thundering into Rei's room. "Rei! Rei! There's a probe falling from Mars!"
"Now I believe you," Rei conceded. "But what's it got to do with us?"
"Well, apparently the probe was going in to study one of the moons of Mars - Deimos actually."
"I see," Rei took out her power stick. "Mars star power!"
"Okay," said Sailor Mars. "Phobos! Deimos! Get out here now!"
"Hehheh," Sailor Deimos was chuckling away and Sailor Phobos jabbed her in the side. "Wha? Oh... hi boss. What's up?"
"It's what's coming down that concerns me."
The sisters exchanged baffled looks, "I'm sorry?" said Phobos. "I don't know what you mean."
"Probe, Deimos, falling, Earth."
"Probe? Probe? We don't need no stinking probe!" cried Deimos.
"So you don't know anything about it?"
"Honest, we don't know a thing!"
"Then what's that plasma canon you're holding?"
Deimos tried to hide the canon, which was impossible as it was as big as her.
"What's this? Oh... just a little aaaah... spring cleaning."
"You need a plasma canon for spring cleaning?"
"You've never seen one of Phobos' socks boss."
"Phobos doesn't wear socks. Now spit it out!"
"Er... well... I suppose it's conceivable that I might possibly have been checking the perimeter and, seeing an unidentified craft heading towards me, may have thought it was from the Negaverse and blown it away.
"Why didn't you just disintegrate it then? Or blow it into tiny pieces?"
"Ummm... well if it _was_ from the Negaverse I thought it was necessary to find out what their nefarious plans were, so that we could thwart them and perhaps, incidentally, along the way, it if didn't conflict with your busy schedule too much, kick the living crud out of some demons."
"AHA!" said Rei. "_I_ see."
Makoto nudged Minako, "I think we better leave now." The two snuk off as Rei began to berate the two Moon Sailor Scouts.
"For your information that was an _earth_ probe, and now it's on a collision course with a perfectly innocent country on earth, which wasn't all that big to start with and is certainly going to be missing a fair chunk more when it lands!"
"But you never know," cried Deimos. "I mean, maybe it's crawling with Negaverse spies!"
There was a long pause. "Phobos," said Rei. "The hammer please."
"Oh come on boss, it wasn't all _her_ fault."
"Yes, I was waiting to hear about your part in this fiasco."
At that point the most horrible sound ever heard began. Rei sighed, 'Damn, I'm sure I threatened Yuuichirou with certain death if he sang at this hour again'.
"AAAAAAGH!" the two Scouts crumpled to the floor, their hands over their ears.
"Please," begged Phobos. "We'll do whatever you want! Just stop that awful noise!"
Rei raised her eyebrows, "Okay." She leaned out of the window, "YUUICHIROU, SHUT IT DOWN OR I WILL FRY YOU IN THE FIRE!"
The singing stopped.
"Phew, the torture is over." Deimos got to her feet.
"Right, now I order the both of you to go and stop that probe."
"But we can't breathe in space," Phobos protested.
"You're spirits, you don't need to breathe!"
"Okay, okay. We'll do it, but we have to go to the place where the probe is coming down."
"You have to go to New Zealand?" Rei asked incredulously.
Deimos bounced up and down, "This is great! I hope we find some demons there!"
"Probably not, the only things we're likely to encounter there are a lot of sheep."
"Do you fancy a new wool rug Rei?"
"Don't even _think_ it Phobos."
***CGI Mars symbol spins around***
"Well, here we are in New Zealand."
"How did we get here?"
"Deus ex machina?"
"Er... nothing. Does it matter? We're here, so stop that probe!"
"Which is your fault to begin with!" reminded a new voice.
Mamoru tugged Usagi's arm. "Don't get them mad!" he hissed. She patted his arm, "Don't worry, I'll protect you from the psycho twins."
"Oh sure," muttered Rei. "Any chocolate covered peanuts attacking him would _really_ be in trouble."
"I heard that!"
"We're supposed to be destroying the probe," reminded Ami.
"Oh yeah! We'll get right on it, right Deimos?" asked Phobos meaningfully.
"But Phobos, you said that this trip was a stall until we could think of a way to destroy the probe and we haven't thought of one yet, and now you're saying we've got one. It's not fair you never tell me anything!"
The only sound was Phobos banging her head against a tree.
Rei cleared her throat, "Something you'd like to tell us Phobos?"
"Uh... hahahahahahahaha!" Phobos laughed nervously. "Well, hee hee, the truth haha of it is... hee, you'll love this... we don't know _how_ to stop it... Bwahahahahahahahaha... aha... ha?"
Everybody looked at her. Then Deimos burst out laughing, "Oh _I_ get it now! We don't _have_ a plan! Hahahahahahahahahaha!"
"Oh _great_. We're here and the probe is approaching and we've got no way to stop it!" groaned Makoto. "We've really got to stop it now, or else we'll all be killed."
"Killed?" asked Phobos. Deimos was still laughing. Phobos sighed, "Interdimensional hammer smash! Now then," she said as Deimos crumpled to the ground. "What's this about Rei getting killed?"
"We _all_ happen to be standing at ground zero," pointed out Ami. "When the probe hits us there won't even be a thin paste left behind."
"But if Rei is in danger... then we're allowed to protect her in any way we can! Which means we do have the power to..."
"Destroy the probe!" yelled Deimos, coming awake. "I never liked that ugly thing anyway!"
"Now, we need your life forces," said Phobos. "Uh, I mean, your _strengths_."
"Why am I not feeling confident about this?" muttered Mamoru. Then he brightened, "But I don't do any power things anyway."
"Guess again cape boy."
"Now everybody join hands," said Phobos. "And say your pieces."
"Mars Star Power!"
"Mercury Star Power!"
"Jupiter Star Power!"
"Venus Star Power!"
"Moon Crystal Power!"
"Uh... Tuxedo... ummm... Earth... um Mask... Power?"
"You're new at this aren't you?"
"Shut up Deimos."
Energy built up around the group, then Phobos and Deimos shouted out together: "Phobos! Deimos! Star Power DESTROY!"
The energy surged upwards as a bolt of pure white light, which met the oncoming probe...
***CGI mars pen***
In Wellington, the capital city of New Zealand, Jaelle and Orla looked out of the computer room windows. "Hey," said Orla. "I thought fireworks night was over." Jaelle frowned at the computer screen. "Y'know, I think we've given out characters too much personality."
***CGI mars pen***
Rei opened her eyes and found that they were all lying in the middle of a large hole.
"Did it work?" asked Usagi.
"Of course it worked," said Deimos. "Everything we do comes right!"
"Then why do I feel so drained?" murmured Mamoru.
"Where's my cowshed? And what happened to my paddock?" An irate farmer peered down at them. Huge sweat drops formed on everyone's forehead.
"Heh heh, sorry."
"We'll clean it up."
"No we won't!"
"Phobos, it's hammer time."
***CGI moon tiara***
That evening everyone crowded around Usagi's TV and watched the international news.
"The falling probe appears to have exploded before hitting New Zealand," said the newscaster. "Although scientists are at a loss to explain why the probe fell in the first place, much less how it came to explode. However one Waikato farmer has advanced the theory that it was aliens in short-skirted Sailor suits..."
Everyone froze and sweat drops poured down their heads. They all looked at each other and began laughing nervously, before collapsing on the floor with their feet in the air.
This story is based on an actual situation that was reported in some papers, where a Mars probe's re-entry collapsed and it was feared it was heading for New Zealand. It didn't crash, but we never found out what happened to it. So we got to wondering...
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