April Madness
An Utena Fanfiction
by Jaelle and Orla

Rated PG-13 for language.


This story does not fit into Utena continuity at all. Oh well. It expands on our theory that Juri and Miki have a nastier sense of humour than we think they do. And also that they're good friends. Miki and Juri forever!


Disclaimer: Blah blah we don't own them blah blah all rights to Bepapas etc etc.
Don't sue, we have no money to spare except on anime!


Utena Tenjou strolled up the road towards Ohtori Academy, Anthy Himemiya beside her. She frowned as she looked around. Normally the morning walk to school was filled with cheerful greetings, catcalls, requests to check over homework and general chatter. But today it was almost silent. Everyone seemed to be watching, waiting... almost scared.

"I wonder what's going on?" She asked. "Do you know what's wrong Himemiya?"

"Wrong Miss Utena?" Anthy blinked at her.

"Why do I even bother?" Utena sighed. "Everyone seems so subdued today."

Anthy looked away. "I can't imagine Miss Utena," she said quietly.

Utena shrugged and continued on. Arriving at the top of the steps she spotted Nanami's three henchmen, Keiko Sonada, Yuuko Oose, and Aiko Wakiya talking to each other rapidly. Idly she turned to listen.

"Have you seen Miss Nanami yet?" Keiko demanded.

"No... I can't find her anywhere!" Yuuko replied. "Has she stayed home this year do you think?"

"What if they've got her?" Aiko asked in fear. "What if they've already got her???"

"What's wrong?" Utena asked. This sounded quite serious. The three girls looked at her. "Who's got her?" She elaborated. "Who's got Nanami?"

They exchanged frightened glances. "Don't you _know_?" Keiko demanded.

"I can't believe she doesn't know," Yuuko said.

"But she WAS a transfer student..." Aiko added. "Maybe she wasn't here last time. Or the time before. Or before that, when the Reign Of Terror was complete."

"Reign Of Terror???" Utena was completely baffled. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you even know what day it is?" Keiko demanded.

"Why yes it's..."

*Ding dong* The school loudspeaker crackled into life.

"Good morning students!"

Utena frowned, that sounded a little like Miki. Only a different Miki... He seemed, happy.

"On behalf of myself and Juri, we'd like to welcome ALL students to school on this beautiful April 1st! We hope you'll all enjoy today as MUCH as we will! That is all. And for those still sleeping - THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL!!!"

Hysterical laughter cascaded through the speakers and echoed around the courtyard. Utena blinked. Miki laugh, yes. But Juri? And hysterical cackling??? Something was definitely wrong.

Suddenly the laughter was cut off to be replaced by a new sound.

"HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! HEEEEEEELPP!!!"

"Miss Nanami!!!" the three girls screamed. "Where are you???"

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!"

They all looked up. Suspended in mid air, three floors up, held in place by wires, was a fancy bed. Nanami was leaning over the edge.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!!!!!" she screamed. "Get me down from here!"

Utena stared up and blinked. "How the HELL did that happen?"

"Wow, Miki and Juri got off to an early start this year," said Anthy.

"What? What do Miki and Juri have to do with this?"

"Miss Utena, don't you know?"

Utena turned to regard the small boy standing behind her. "Tsuwabuki?" she said. "No I don't. Please explain."

He edged away. "I should help get Miss Nanami down," he hedged.

"Oh no you don't!" Utena grabbed him. "Explain. Now."

Mitsuru Tsuwabuki looked away. "It's April 1st," he said. "April Fool's Day."

"Is that ALL???" Utena demanded.

"Er, you haven't been here on an April 1st before have you," he said.

"No. What's going on? Why is everyone afraid of Miki and Juri?"

"Well, they're the biggest practical jokers in the school," Mitsuru said miserably.

"So what?"

"You REALLY don't want to know..."

***

Utena strode along the corridors to the Upper School study rooms. "This is ridiculous," she said. "The entire first period ruined because Miki and Juri piped rock music into ALL of the classrooms. Half the teachers have already gone home for the day! Not all of us are natural geniuses. This has gone far enough. I'm going to complain to the Student... President???"

Utena came to a halt outside the study room belonging to Touga Kiryuu and stared at it. The door was shut, and a large sign on it proclaimed that the Student Council President was out, completely out and not in at all. Nope. No way. No how.

She frowned and banged on the door with her hand.

"GO AWAY!" A familiar voice screamed.

"What?" Utena banged on the door again. "Open up Kiryuu!"

"AHAHAHA!!! You can't fool me this time Juri! You're using Utena's voice to try and make me come out WELL IT WON'T WORK!!! I'M NOT LEAVING!!!"

"What????" Utena blinked in confusion. "Touga, it's me! Open the door!"

"NO NO NONONONONONONO YOU CAN'T MAKE MEEEE!!! The door is locked and I have bars on it so you can't get in here! You can't get me! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Utena stared at the door. "He's cracked."

"Ohhh... a challenge. Not." Said a voice from behind her. Utena jumped and turned to find Juri Arisugawa standing behind her.

"Morning Utena!" She sang.

"What's... going on???" Utena asked. "I don't understand..."

Juri smiled at her. "You will. In the meantime, could you be a sweetheart and shift out of the way?" Utena nodded and moved aside.

"Oh Tougaaaaaaaaa..." Juri sang.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! KEEP AWAY FROM ME YOU FRUITCAKE LESBIAN PSYCHO!!!"

"Oooooh, I'm going to have to make him pay for that," Juri smiled nastily. "I _was_ having second thoughts but now..." She pursed her lips and whistled.

"Coooming..." Miki Kaoru sprinted up to her. "I've got it all. Have we decided yet?"

"YOU CAN'T GET ME THIS TIME!!! I'VE LOCKED THE DOOR AND THERE'S NO OTHER WAY IN YOU NUTCASES!!!"

"Right!" Miki grinned. "I was hoping he'd make this easy."

Juri held out her hand. "Timber."

"Timber."

"Hammer."

"Hammer."

"Nails."

"Nails."

Utena watched in shock as Miki braced a large piece of wood against the door. Juri rolled up her sleeves, grabbed a nail, set it against the wood and began to hammer it in firmly.

"Ummm..."

*WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM* New nail. *WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM...*

Utena could only stand and watch as Juri and Miki carefully and meticulously hammered the wood firmly over the door, and then secured the door edges with superglue, leaving only the bottom free.

"Phew!" Juri wiped the sweat from her brow. "Mini-speaker?"

"Here we go!" Miki carefully fed the miniature cord with speakers attached under the door. He taped it firmly into place to prevent it being removed, and then superglued it just to make sure.

"And the CD!" Juri said. Miki grinned and fished a CD out from his jacket. He put it into a miniature player connected to the speaker and then paused. He looked up at the by-now COMPLETELY baffled Utena.

"Miss Utena," he said. "I need you to promise me that you won't interfere with this after we've gone. If you did, I'd have to do something TRULY evil to you and that would be... bad."

Utena looked at him, and then at Juri, who was nodding in agreement. "Ummm... okay."

Miki smiled at her angelically. "And you won't interfere with anything else today, will you?" He asked.

"Well..." Utena paused. Juri put her hand on her shoulder.

"It'll be alright," she said. "We just want your word you won't try to help out."

"Uh, okay." Utena finally gave in.

"Good! That's settled then!" Said Miki happily. He pressed 'play', and 'repeat'. "Right, that's HIM sorted!"

"Next!" Juri walked down the corridor, one arm slung around Miki's shoulders. "See you later Miss Utena!" He called back.

Utena stared after them. "What the hell?" Suddenly noise blared out and she flinched. The sweet tones of The Sunlit Garden filled the corridor and she regarded the mini-setup with awe. To think it could get so much volume! What must it be like INSIDE the office?

In answer to her query came the sounds of someone frantically clearing stuff away from the other side of the door, a key clicking and turning in the lock, and then...

*THUMP THUMP THUMP* The door shuddered as Touga fought frantically to try and get it open. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" he screamed. "SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Utena hesitated as the song finished and the CD began again and then paused. "Well... it won't KILL him..." she murmured. Then she had a horrible thought. "Where did Juri and Miki go?"

Turning, she sprinted off down the corridor, leaving Touga screaming in his office.

***

Utena ran down and came out onto the basketball court. "Now, where did those two go?" she asked herself.

"Aaaaahhh!! Somebody get me DOWN!!!!"

Utena swivelled around, looking for the speaker. Her jaw dropped when she saw...

"Shiori?" She gaped at the sight of Shiori Takatsuki.

The purple-haired girl was hog-tied upside-down to the top of the flag pole in her... underwear.

"Oh my," Anthy appeared at Utena's side. "I don't think she's supposed to be up there."

"You think?" Utena briefly considered getting Shiori down, but remembering Miki's 'threat' she decided against it. This all seemed to be getting out of hand. What was going on??? Why was this happening???

Suddenly another shrill scream pierced the air.

"That came from the swimming pool!" Utena sprinted to the pool. Anthy followed behind, a look of curiousity on her face.

***

Utena flung open the swimming room door and gaped at the scene confronting her. A cluster of girls were standing around staring, whilst two others helped another out of the pool.

"What's that smell?" Utena sniffed. "Smells like..."

"Milkshake..." the girl who'd been fished out of the pool said. "_Chocolate_ milkshake no less."

"How nice!" said Anthy.

"You mean, the water's..." Utena found her voice.

"Milkshake." The girl wiped liquid off herself. "I didn't notice till I'd jumped in. Ugh." Wiping herself off she revealed some blue hair.

"Kozue?" Utena blinked. "But surely Miki would have known..."

"Oh yeah, he knew." said Kozue Kaoru. "I guess I'm lucky this year. Last time they duct-taped me to the wall. It's all Juri's fault! My sweet brother's never been the same since they combined their efforts!"

"You know Miki, I _am_ going to have to get your sister for that." Drawled a voice behind them all.

Swivelling, everyone spotted Juri and Miki lounging up on the diving board. Kozue paled. "Juri..."

Juri smiled at her maliciously. "Well Miki?"

Miki sighed, "Oh alright. You know I can't deny you anything you really want Juri."

"Miki!" Kozue pleaded.

"Sorry sis," Miki said. "But you know the rules, all bets are off today!" And with that, they both slid down the ladder and fled.

"Oh no..." Kozue muttered. "Maybe I could hide."

"Can someone PLEASE explain this all to me?" Utena demanded. "I KNOW it's April Fool's but that doesn't explain Touga locked in his room and Shiori hog-tied to the flagpole!"

"They got to Shiori ALREADY?" Kozue demanded. "They're WELL ahead of schedule this year."

"WHAT SCHEDULE???" Utena screamed. "WHAT'S GOING ON??? How did Miki and Juri become so EVIL all of a sudden???"

"You really want to know?" Kozue asked. "I'll tell you. Just let me wash first."

There was a scream from the girls shower room and a frozen, naked figure ran out.

"Ah... looks like they got to the water supply too."

***

Souji Mikage strolled through the corridors of the Nemuro Memorial Hall, heading for the room of black roses at its base. Entering, he closed his eyes, remembering all the deaths, all the sacrifice. Sighing, he opened them and blinked.

The coffins were gone.

ALL of them.

He stared at the empty holes in the walls. This couldn't be real. It couldn't be! What was...

His eye caught a note lying in the middle of the floor.

He picked it up and read the message: "Gotcha! Love M and J."

"How..." he whispered. "How could they... Mamiya! MAMIYA!!"

A dull thumping came to his ears.

"Mikage! Mikage, help! I'm stuck in the elevator! Heeeelp!"

***

Utena sat with Kozue at the cafe table. Although it was second period half the student body seemed crowded into the cafeteria, perhaps believing there was safety in numbers. Noone was entirely sure where the OTHER half of the student body were. Some brave soul had rescued Shiori from her uncomfortable spot and she was sobbing and drinking tea in the middle of the room.

Tsuwabuki wandered into the cafe, soaking wet. "Has anyone got a towel?" He asked. "There are sprinklers through all the elementary division classrooms."

"Where's Nanami?" someone called.

"Well, they're still trying to get her down." He sighed. "Oh and by the way, there's a lion in the college division art room."

"A REAL lion?"

"Oh yeah."

"Okay, answer time." Utena said. "What the FUCK is going on?"

Kozue sighed. "It all started three years ago, when Miki and Juri first met." She started. "Miki had always been a little prone to silly practical jokes - sweets that turned your mouth blue, fake spiders, things like that. The usual brotherly things. I think it was his way of trying to show that he was a normal boy. Then he met Juri, who from all accounts was much the same. And for some reason, it just catalysed them both. They turned into a pair of demented, crazed practical jokers, and that was the Reign Of Terror. Day or night, _noone_ was safe. Teacher, student, inanimate object. Ever wondered why Saionji's hair is that particular shade of green?"

"Uhh..." Utena paused. "Miki and Juri?"

Kozue nodded. "It got COMPLETELY out of hand. But to be fair, they were always just irritating jokes - noone ever got hurt. But one day a kid broke a leg and they called an abrupt halt to it all. Just... stopped. Turned back into normal people and never mentioned it again... Until April Fool's Day."

"April Fool's Day is the one day a year they do it again?" Utena asked.

Kozue nodded. "And now do you understand?"

"But... but surely someone could DO something." Utena said. "Has anyone ever tried to prank _them_."

"Ever heard of a student named Sohi Orikawa?"

"No."

"That's why."

Utena paused. "Oh... Wow, I'm really glad I didn't interfere with their trick on Touga. But does that mean noone can rescue the people involved?"

"Oh you _can_," said Kozue. "They don't mind. Unless they SPECIFICALLY tell you not to. I take it they told you not to?"

Utena nodded. Kozue regarded her narrowly. "Do you have any special friends on campus?" She asked.

Utena looked surprised. "Well Wakaba.. and Anthy of course."

Kozue nodded. "Then you should probably pass on that they're safe this time. They won't push your resolve by involving your close friends."

"But they'd get them if I broke my word?" Utena asked.

"No. But BOY would you regret it! I interfered once, and now they target me EVERY year." Kozue sighed. "I should have stayed out of it."

"INFAMY!!! INFAMY!!!" Kyouichi Saionji sprinted into the room, dressed in his kendo clothes. "Look what those monsters have done!!!" He waved his bokken indignantly. It wobbled.

"What?" Utena scrambled over to look. "What's wrong with your practice sword?"

"It's made of RUBBER!!!" Saionji screeched. "ALL of them are made of rubber! How can I fight with this???" He gestured angrily and the 'blade' curved and smacked him in the side of the head. "ARGH!"

"Wow. Actually, that's pretty funny, don't you think Kozue? Kozue?" Utena turned around with a smile on her face. "Kozue? She was just here."

"Miki, I'm your sister, don't do this!!! PLEEEEEASEE!!!"

"Uh oh. Himemiya, let's just go home."

***

Akio Ohtori sighed as he walked through his rooms towards his telescope. The one day a year when he had absolutely NO control over the Campus was nearing a close and he could hardly wait for it to be over. Carefully he checked the telescope. Last year the eyepiece had been blackened and he had spent the entire day "panda-eyed" until someone had pointed it out to him. This year it seemed safe. Bending to look through it he heard another scream. Actually, maybe he should just GO! He didn't trust those two giggling psychopaths not to include him in a worse prank this year.

Sighing heavily he left the building and headed for his car, parked outside. Getting in, he smiled as he felt its familiar feel flowing through him. Perhaps he should rescue Touga from whatever they had done to him THIS year and take him on another drive. His lips curved upwards in a smile as he started the engine.

With a slow, shuddering thud, the car slowly began to separate. Each join popping neatly apart where all of the rubber had been carefully stripped, each weld, unwelded, and each fixture unfixed. Akio dropped down as his car disassembled around him and sat foolishly on the seat, holding his now unattached steering wheel.

"Fuck." He said.

Miki and Juri clutched each other and howled as they watched the slow collapse of Akio's car around him.

"You know, he's going to make us pay for that," Miki laughed.

"But it was SO worth it," Juri giggled. "And just wait till he goes up to the arena!"

Miki snickered. "All that toilet paper was expensive, but DAMN it looks good."

And clutching each other, they collapsed laughing to the ground as the sun set.

"Ah... So, what are we going to do NEXT year?" Miki asked.

***

THE END

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