So now we present Too Many Alternate Futures, a story set COMPLETELY separately from our previous Rogue and Joseph stories (in which universe, we might add, Joseph IS Magneto, and not anyone else.) This story is set after the Magneto miniseries, Joseph has just returned from the jungle.
BE WARNED! This story was written late one Monday night after the consumption
of large amounts of cheese balls, chocolates and coca-cola (symbol of free
west). Suggested for MATURE READERS!
Or at least ones with REALLY good senses of humour.
Rogue swivelled around, "Joseph honey! How are ya?"
"I'm..." Joseph staggered. "... not feeling so good..." *THUD*
"Ohmigod, BEAST! Get your furry butt IN HERE!" Rogue leapt to Joseph's side. "Joseph... JOSEPH!" Rogue checked Joseph for a pulse, then temperature. Finally she checked for broken bones. Finding none, she picked up the unconcious man and flew out the door and down the stairs of the newly repaired mansion. The sun was streaming through the window of the living room when she arrived.
"Beast!" she yelled. Jean and Scott sprinted in. "Rogue, what's wrong?" Scott demanded.
"Joseph collapsed! We havta get him to sickbay. Where's Hank?"
"In the attic, I'll contact him," said Jean, concentrating briefly. "He's on his way."
"Head for sickbay," ordered Scott. Rogue nodded and flew past him out
Beast finished his scan. "He seems to have picked up some strange sort of virus on his travels. A simple shot of penicillin should do the trick." He turned and filled a syringe, rolling back Joseph's sleeve he injected it into his vein.
"There, he should be fine in...."
Joseph convulsed. A red rash spread from his arm.
Joseph convulsed again. Rogue rushed over and held him down whilst Beast checked his arm.
"Fascinating. It's an allergic reaction." he said. "Hold him whilst I prepare an antihistamine vitamin spray."1
[1 We're not doctors, we don't know what can stop penicillin allergies. Don't tell us, we don't care that much either. If you can have clothes made of unstable molecules in the Marvel universe, you can have antidotes to penicillin, okay? ]
"Ah can't believe you didn't test to see if he was allegic!" Rogue yelled.
"But that's what's so fascinating," Beast said. "Magneto is NOT allergic to penicillin!"
Joseph groaned and sat up. "Oh, my head. Ow, what happened to my arm?"
"It's still a little swollen from your allergic reaction to the penicillin." said a familiar voice.
Joseph looked up, "Scott! I made it back then."
Scott looked at him coldly, "That's right, whoever you are."
Joseph's eyes widened. "What do you mean? I'm Joseph. You're not worried that my Magneto personality is coming back are you?"
"Oh no," said Scott. "Believe me, I'm not worried about THAT at all."
"Now I'm puzzled," said Joseph. "What are you talking about."
"I'm saying that whoever you are, you are definitely NOT Magneto." said Scott. "As to who you are, I suggest you tell us now before Beast finishes his DNA scan and takes the matter out of your hands."
"You mean... I'm, _not_ Magneto?" Joseph said. He paused. "That's WONDERFUL!!!"
"Hold that thought." said Beast, walking in. "Rogue, I need a tissue sample to compare Joseph's with." Rogue shrugged and held out her arm. Beast gently scraped off some skin with an adamantium knife, careful not to touch her skin himself. *That is definitely not how I want her to find out my hypothesis* he thought to himself. Beast turned to put the tissue sample in the tissue-sample-examining-machine2
[2 It's a technical term.]
Five minutes later, he turned back. If it weren't for the fact that he was blue, he'd be green.
"I have... the results."
"So," said Scott. "Who is he?"
"Uh... well, you know how you've been wondering about that third Summers sib?"
"Oh NO!" Scott recoiled. "Don't tell me it's Joseph!"
"No no," said Beast. "It's not."
"WHAT?" Scott repeated, "You mean that Rogue is my sister?"
"WHAT?" yelled Rogue. "You mean that anally-retentive jerk is mah brother?"
"That anally-WHAT?" demanded Scott.
"Sorry shugah, it just slipped out."
"Well at least I don't have funny hair."
"Oh yeah," said Jean. "They're brother and sister all right."
"So who am I?" asked Joseph plaintively.
Beast hummed. "Joseph, you don't have any funny memories that you'd like to share with us do you? I don't know... parents? Friends? Home address, that sort of thing?"
Joseph shook his head.
"You don't know where you were born do you?"
"Look, will you just tell me!"
"Do I have to?"
Joseph summoned his magnetic powers. "Tell me!" he commanded.
"Ummm... judging from the genetical scan, you're NOT Magneto, and you're NOT the third Summers brother. You are however a Summers."
"Oh not another one," groaned Jean. "We'll have to get a bigger table for family dinners."
Joseph looked at Jean. "Mom?"
"Wrong one," said Beast. "I hate to break this to you, but..."
Across the crowded room, Joseph's and Rogue's eyes met.
"Oh GROSSSSSSSSS!" they screamed.
"Ewwwwwwwww," said everyone else.
Joseph stared at Rogue in horror, "Mom?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!! I HATE THIS FAMILY!!!!!" screamed Rogue. "Ah can't believe it! Ah have a child and I didn't even get to have SEX!"
Everyone stared at her.
"Well it just ain't fair."
Joseph went pale. "Does that mean that Gambit is my father?"
Scott went red, "Rogue! I FORBID you to go out with that man!"
"You ain't my father."
"No, I'm your brother."
"Don't remind me."
"Actually, Gambit is not the father." said Beast.
"Hey guys, what's all the yelling about?" Bobby walked into the room. Four pairs of eyes fastened on him accusingly.
"Rogue, you DIDN'T."
"AH DIDN'T! AH DIDN'T."
"WHAT?!" Bobby frowned. "Is there something on me?"
Four pairs of eyes refastened on Beast.
"Come on blue-boy, give." said Rogue.
"Uhhhh... perhaps only the immediate family should be here for this." said Beast.
"Bobby, leave." said Jean. Bobby shrugged and left.
"I was thinking _really_ immediate family." said Beast.
"Give." said Jean. "Who did the deed?"
"Well, remember how we all thought Joseph looked like Magneto. There's a reason for that."
They all looked at Joseph.
Eighteen beers later. Each.
"I jus' can' believe it," Joseph slurred. "How?"
"When?" said Rogue.
"That's the million dollar question." said Beast. "Coulda been anytime. You Summerseseseses get around a lot ya know."
"Yeah, we know." they all chorused.
"Hey, 'f I'm your son," Rogue looked green, "and you're his brother," Scott looked greener, "then doesn' tha' make him my Unca Scott?" Joseph said.
They all turned to look at Scott.
"Don' you call me my uncle!" Scott roared. "I disown ya!"
Joseph sobbed, "How could you? Mommy, make him stop!"
"Don't ya talk ta mah son that way!" Rogue stood up and swayed. "I'll teach ya ta..."
Rogue, Beast, Joseph, Jean and Scott turned to find Bobby, the rest of the X-Men, X-Factor, X-Force, Generation X and Excalibur standing in the doorway. And damn it was a tight fit. Luckily it was a secret mutant power (like the ability to keep your costume up, or have it shredded, but in such a way that it still covers all the parts that the Comics Code worries about. But I digress 3).
[3 Orla would just like to point out that Jaelle has been waiting all story to make that joke and all readers are required to oblige her by laughing now. Thank you.]
"Somebody move out of the doorway," said Jubilee. "I can't breathe."
"_You_ can't breathe?" said Betsy, in her patented purple tighy ninja outfit. "Try going in to battle with your gut sucked in sometime."
"Is there a reason for the current conversation or is this a meaningless digression?" asked Beast.
"No, we just heard something really strange." said Gambit. "Something about Rogue and a son...care to explain, mon ami?"
"Don' ya talk to ma Mom tha' way!" *THUD*
They looked at Joesph's comotose body. "I didn't hear that, there is NOBODY lying in front of me..."4
[4 Quote slightly adapted from Pretty Sammy, Orla is a Kiyone fan-girl(Shut up Jaelle or I'll have to hurt you and we won't finish this fic!) ((Ooooh, fate worse than death. Pwease Orla, don't hurt l'il Jaelle... *RUNS*)). Okay folks, excuse me...THUD...CRASH...WHACKWHACK!!! ((Owwww... you didn't have to hit me with the No Need for Tenchi movie)). You deserved it. Anyway, lets get back...]
"I have a strange sense of deja-vu." said Nightcrawler, looking at Mystique.
"YOU have a stange sense..." muttered Cable.
"Okay," Jean got up. "I can 'splain everythin'. It starts wif Hank's Dthingie, watsit, oh yeah, DNA scan."
"This is a bad start to any story." said Alex.
"Ladies and Mutants...I pleashed to introduce the latest additions to th' Summersh clan: Rogue, we-still-don't-know-her-name, Summersh and her son, Joseph Summers, sorry let me amend that..."
"Thank god," muttered Warren. "She got it wrong."
"Itsh actually, Joseph, Lensheee, Lenshurrr, _Magneto_ Summersh."
"Ain't anyone goin' congratulate me?" beamed Rogue. "Itsh a boy." Yes, she IS very drunk is case you hadn't noticed.
There was a small thud as Cable fainted, followed by the clatter of his falling weaponry. Then there was a minor explosion as Gambit lost control and blew up his cigerette(while still in his mouth)
"Gimme some of that beer." cried Alex.
"Brother!" cried Rogue.
"LOTS of that beer," Alex added.
"Should you be drinking?" asked Scott, who had boringly sobered up whilst this conversation had been taking place.
"Fer chrissake Scott, will ya quit being such a anallally, ana.. DORK!" snarled Rogue.
"How dare you address your older brother like that!" Scott cried.
"Well, it is better than when she was calling you an anally-retentive jerk," said Beast.
"She said that?" said Alex. "SISTER!" They hugged. Scott glared.
Meanwhile, Mystique was working something out on her fingers. "If Rogue is Scott and Alex's sister, and she's my adopted daughter. That makes my team leader my adopted son... and Joseph my adopted GRANDSON!!!!" She sat down and wailed. "I'm OLD!!! WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Sabretooth watched her and snickered.
"I wouldn't laugh if I was you, bub", said Wolverine. "Think it through."
Nightcrawler and Sabretooth looked at each other.
"BEER!" they cried.
"I'm all for that," said Jubilee.
"You wish squirt."
Scott looked at Nightcrawler and Sabretooth chugging back the brews. His mind drew the latest family tree. He looked at Cable, comatose on the floor. And Alex and Rogue, still hugging. Joseph stood up and hugged them too.
Joseph hugged them and turned to Mystique, "GRANMA!"
"That's it!" Scott yelled. "I can't take it anymore!" He set off at a run.
The others drunkenly tried to run after him, and all tripped Cables body (and weapons).
Scott burst through the attic skylight and walked to the edge. "Goodbye cruel world!" he shouted, and leapt.5
[5 It should be noted here that Scott was VERY VERY drunk, although he acted sober. Some people are like that. Watch out for your friends when drinking. It saves you from nasty surprises - like when they throw up over your Ranma manga, right Orla? ((Jaelle, have you forgotten your last lesson?)) Uh, run faster wasn't it? Hee hee. Jaelle the masochist. Whip me, beat me, make me write fanfic. ((I feel sick now.)).]
Scott plummeted towards the hard ground, he closed his eyes and waited for oblivion.
"GOTCHA!" sounded two voices together.
Scott opened his eyes and discovered he was floating in the air a metre 6 above the ground.
[6 About three feet for strange people... I mean, non-metric users :-) ((Jaelle, this is turning into a footnote-fic.)) Hey, it works for Pratchett. But I digress. ((Again.))]
Scott looked to either side of him. Two beautiful teenagers floated beside him.7
[7 Caution, things get REALLY weird beyond this point. Personally, I blame society. J. ((Personally, I blame you. Orla))]
"Are you alright?" one of them asked. "Granpa?"
"Sorry?!" said Scott. "I'm not _that_ old!"
"Oh no, I was forgetting myself. I'm Alice and this is my twin sister Miyuki."
"Alice and Miyuki?!"
"Blame our parents." they said in unison. "Speaking of whom, here they come!"
The X-Men (and other X's) came barrelling down the stairs.
"Scott! Are you okay?" Jean yelled.
"I'm... not sure." said Scott. "Did I die and go to hell?"
"Then is Joseph still my nephew?"
"Are you _sure_ I didn't die and go to hell?"
"Daddy! Mommy!" Alice and Miyuki dropped Scott unceremonially onto the ground.
Cable groggily looked behind him.
"Oh... SH*T!" he said, when he realised that there was no one behind him.
"What goes around, comes around." said Jean with some satisfaction. "Now he knows how I felt."
"Daddy!" Alice and Miyuki hugged him, left eyes aglow. "Mommy!" they hugged Betsy.
Mystique watched them... "Great-grandnieces? *sob*"
"Wait a sec," said Warren. "This is silly, where are you two from?"
"Oh Uncle Warren," said Alice. "We're from an alternate future dimension where tofu became the most popular food in the seventies and everyone took up the hippy life and no one ever fought. We've been at peace for years."
"That explains the bell-bottoms," said Monet. "Ick."
"And you're here becaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaause?" prompted Bobby.
"Oh Uncle Bobby. Well, after Mom and Dad were killed in an embarrasing incident involving four iguanas and a lava lamp we decided that we just had to see them again." said Miyuki.
"Four iguanas and a lava lamp?" asked Betsy.
"Yeah, you always were kinky dad." said Alice.
"Although you and Uncle Bobby were so kind to us, raising us as if we were your own children, we thought that we were damaging your relationship, being female and all, so we decided to come back and see Mom and Dad again," Miyuki beamed at Warren.
Warren and Bobby looked at each other. Everyone else looked at both of them.
"Awwww..." said Wildchild. "What a cute couple."
"I knew it was a mistake to join this team." said Wisdom. Kitty kicked him.
"So, does Joseph come from your timeline too?" asked Beast.
The twins frowned. "Who?" Joseph waved at them. "Hi."
"Never saw him before." said Miyuki. "Who is he?"
"Mah son." said Rogue.
"Auntie Rogue," Alice frowned. "But you and Uncle Logan haven't got any kids!"
"I won't have it!" cried Mystique. "I can sort-of stand the idea of Magneto as a son-in-law, perhaps even the Cajun, but Logan?!!"
"Great-Granma Mystique, have you and Great-Granpa Sabretooth made up this time?"
"_Logan_ is my brother in law? That's... okay. It's better than Magneto." said Scott.
"But I don't understand," said Joseph. "Where do I come from?"
"I can answer that question." boomed a voice.
They looked up. Above them was a figure, in shiny pink armour. "I am Dimension Master! Joseph is from a world in which Xavier was killed and Magneto took up his burden. Magneto and Rogue were married, and lived happily, giving birth to one son, Charles Xavier Lensherr! Due to circumstances too long to say now, he was catapulted into this time, and aged twenty years in the process."
Everyone stared at Joseph. "You're FOUR?"
"Well, that explains why I can't read." he said. And put his thumb in his mouth.
"Don't do that, you'll ruin yoah teeth!" cried Rogue.
"Who are you really?" demanded Jean.
"I am... JOSEPH!"
"Another Joseph," said Dimension Master, and took off his helmet. Everyone stared at his face. He looked exactly like Joseph, with only one small difference. His eyes were red, on black.
Gambit leapt up and down and pumped his arm. "Yesssss! Yessss! Finally I make it to fourth base!"
"Sorry dad," said Dimension Master. "You didn't even swing. After your tragic death trying to save Joseph, mother was artificially inseminated and gave birth to me, naming me after the man she loved."
"Ah, so you must be Remy Joseph Summers then."
"Sorry dad, it's Joseph Remy Summers."
Dimension Master shrugged, "What can I say? It was either your DNA or Magneto's. And he was marrying Jean."
"WHAT??!!!" screamed Scott.
"But enough of this fond remininscing. Dad, I came here so that I could finally, 'meet my maker' as the saying would go." Dimension Master held out his arms, "Daddy!"
"Do I ever get sex?" Rogue wondered aloud.
"Oh sure Mom," said Dimension Master. "After you discovered that your absorbing power was caused by a chemical reaction to toothpaste you never stopped."
"It's caused by WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?"
"Of course, you didn't get many kisses after you stopped using toothpaste. But you got _lots_ of sex." 8
[8 Okay, I think this is getting out of hand. J. ((Orla: Toothpaste??!!)) J.: :-) ((Now I really feel sick, where is your Ranma manga collection?))]
"Just kidding," Dimension Master grinned. "Pretty good huh?"
"INTERDIMENSIONAL HAMMER!" Rogue smashed the hammer down.
"You deserved it."
"Now listen you little..."
"Ugh, now Gambit's my grandson, no son... no... WAAAAAH!"
"Me and Rogue? Me and ROGUE?"
"Me and BOBBY?"
"Me and WARREN?"
"Me and CABLE?"
"...." [Sorry, Cable's unconcious again.]
Miyuki walked seductively up to Joseph. "Hi there cutey." she said.
"He was just kidding? That's a sick joke."
"Oh come on, how could you take seriously anyone wearing _pink_ armour?"
"Jean and Magneto?"
"AUGH! NO MORE! NO MORE!" screamed Scott.
"BOW DOWN X-MEN! YOUR DOOM IS UPON YOU!"
Everyone looked up. Towering above them was the one, the ONLY (in this dimension anyway) MAGNETO!
"X-MEN, YOUR DAY IS DONE!"
"We WISH!!!!" they all yelled.
Magneto frowned down. "Who _are_ all of these weirdos?" he demanded. The weirdos replied.
"SON IN LAW!"
"Honey," said both Rogue and Jean, glaring at each other.
Magneto looked at the horde. Then he looked at all the figures appearing behind them.
"Auntie Deep Dip Now!"
"Great great great great great granma Mystique!"
"Synch who is that woman?"
"I don't know!"
"Don't you recognise your sweet Jubilee? I know it's been twenty years but..."
"Jubilee's going to look like THAT when she's thirty? There's no justice!"
"Oh Monet, don't be like that."
Magneto watched in horror. Joseph unsteadily flew up beside him.
"Dad?" he asked.
Magneto looked at Joseph. There was a long pause.
"I am SO out of here!" yelled Magneto. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! RETREAT! RETREAT! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"
In a quiet corner of the gardens, Gateway watched him go, and smirked.
THE END (thank the gods)
We warned you! - Jaelle.
This was too evil, even for me! -Orla( who is seriously considering hitting Jaelle with the nearest blunt object if she EVER mentions toothpaste in that context again!)