the beginners guide to being me

the first and most important point, without which everything else will fail, have supreme self confidence. if you dont think you are the center of the known world then you just arent trying hard enough.

never care what people think of you or what you do. youre doing it so it must be right, or at least right enough for now. remember u have the right to change your mind at any moment u like, and still maintain a righteousness about both choices, even if they seem to contradicted each other to the untrained eye.

u must have the attention span of a insane gerbil on speed. remember most things arent as interesting as u, so its unlikely theyll hold your attention for long.

be horribly opinionated. but strangely, allow others to have there opinions too. of course u know u do this only because they are so obviously deluded and out of touch with the truth and therefor must be treated with kindness. theres no honour in being mean to the mentally unwell.

be dyslexic. spelling is optional in this universe and in the end most people understand what u type, and thoses that dont, cant of been very important anyway. grammar is not your friend and we are not at home to either mr pucuation or miss capital letter

sex is good, sex is grand. being a sex fiend is the only way. be generous in bed, try everything at least thrice, of course only because if u give lots u generally get lots back in return, and being worshipped in bed is only your rightful due.

remember, u are a goddess, not in the wishy washy back to nature way, but in the true meaning of the word. u are a screen goddess, a beauty goddess, unless u are firmly convinced u can look good in just about everything then we need go no farther. your body is not a temple, is a great big neon sign screaming 'look at me im gorgeous'.

on u three days of unwashed hair, pj's from hell, bangy leggings and comfy woolly socks are on par with a sequinned gown that costs the same as your countries national debt. those around u who just cant see this truth are either blind or terminally stupid and should be stopped from breeding at once.

read, read and read again. theres no way u can be impressively superior if u know shit. knowledge is good, and reading anything will do. any increase in knowledge, even if the knowledge u increase is the knowledge that Jackie Collins is strange, scary, living in a fantasy world and wears way to much make up, is better than nothing.

a sense of humour is an absolute must. but it is a highly developed one, i.e., most people wont get it. if u laugh at slap stick then this whole excerise has been futile.

have the vocabulary of a drunken sailor. swearing for swearings sake is passé, but u must be able to get through a sentence having used most of the top row of your keyboard at least twice.

[disclaimer] - while the above truly are aspects of my personality please be aware it was written with tongue firmly in cheek.