Battle Report - Normans vs Anglo-Danes

We got a reel good deal on a charter, from some greasy Byzantine wot was 'anging around the docks. Dunno wot them papers Otho signed were, but we ain't seen 'im again, so I don't reckon they was important. On tha trip across, we met some Brets, and 'ad boat races an drinkin races all tha way. When we gots there, I dont mind telling ya, me 'ead was fair biddin to split, and I wuz in the mood to murder someone.

I was fair gobsmacked when I looked at the island - wot an 'ole! All rainy and damp, like, and someone'd cocked up the 'otel bookin's something royal. I reckon it wuz Alan, 'cos I remember 'im boastin about some cousin o'his wot had a pub in 'astings we could all stay at. Anyways, when we got there, there was a dirty great scrum goin' on in the fields, some footie match I think, and a buncha guys standin around waitin to play the winner.

The lads from tha Bull'n'Bear 'eaded off to the right, where there was a nice 'andy beach, an they got out their spades an buckets. We 'eaded for town, wantin a few pints to soothe tha throat, and a bit mite to eat, while the lads from the Falaise Arms wandered orf ta watch tha big match. Them stoopid Brets went ta see as well, but they musta been afraid o gettin their pretty shoesies wet, cause they 'ung about on their boats for a while. There were a nasty crash over there, where some of tha boats got a bit close ta the rocky bits.

Well, the locals musta 'eard of us, cause they broke up their footy right smart, wif one lot, from Millwall, wherever the frig that is, up in tha stands, jeerin and makin faces at us, and tha other lot, from Fulham, rushed off ta get their booze from where they 'id it in the forest, then decided ta go an' play on tha beach as well.

The Falaise Arms lads got orf their boats, and the Millwall bunch musta got real excited, cause they all came down tha hill in a rush, and had a right good stouch against them. We went inta town lookin for a pub that was open, and we mighta broke a door or two. There was an unfriendly bunch o immigrants there - I heard they was the kids of a bunch o tourists wot overstayed their visas something chronic - an obviously they'd let their kids go ta the bad, cause these 'ooligans were rushin about waving axes and shoutin all the time. The way me an' me mates felt, that was the worst thing they couldda done, so we went ta sort them out.

The lads from the Bull'n'Bear got bored, and some o them got their 'orses orf the boats, startin a few races. When tha natives came up an' started arguin the toss about some o the races bein' fixed, they had about'em wif their spears, so the lads swarmed'em - a bunch o'them played pushy-pushy in front, then a few of the boys, wot had their horses, picked up some old lumber someone 'ad left lyin about, and started havin about them with tha lumber. The Fulham boys decided that were enough, 'specially when they saw their captain'd got knocked out with a liverpool kiss. I heard they was scared o Liverpool, an that was why they buggered off so quick.

Just as well, really, cause the lads from the Falaise Arms 'ad been shoved back inta the sea - first time that lot'd 'ad a bath in years, I reckon. The Brets 'ad finally landed, and were busy tryin' to slide around the Millwall bunch, ta get up inta the stands an start chattin up their wimmin, but the Millwall lot spotted 'em and started chasin 'em, so they buggered off behind the stands.

We chased the trubble-makers outta tha town, but we 'ad kinda an accident. Red Otho got bonked wif a stone, and fell over - he reckoned he was just tyin his shoelaces, but I stepped over 'im and he looked proper decked ta me. Anyways, Big Fulk got all mad, an pulled this joker off 'is feet, then threw 'im inta tha dung 'ill. I think he musta been tha chief trubblemaker, 'cause the rest o'them got all scared, and rushed off. When we found they'd pinched all the beer, we chased 'em as 'ard as we could, and I caught a couple an got their barrel offa them. When I tasted it tho', it was some rotten honey shit - what a swindle.

Anyways, while we was chasin them, some po-lice came up on 'orseback - I recognised Squinty an' Richard back from when I used ta drink at tha Royal Oak - an' they rushed in to break things up. Shame 'bout that really, cause they just got up Big Fulk's nose, an' he pushed one o them over. We all thought that were great fun, so we grabbed a few o them, and 'opped up on our 'orses, and chased them a bit. We didn't 'ardly catch any tho', so we thought we'd go and 'ave a chat with the lads from Millwall. Funny, they musta 'ad a train to catch, cause they all buggered off too.