FOT IS WRONG WITH MY TELLY?          Robert Davidson
Calpso beat...

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Five years ago I got a telly so new,
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It said Whakatane, Whangarei and Whakamaru.
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Now its pronunciation has all gone astray:
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It says Fokkermaru, Fokkertanee and Fongeray.



Fot went wrong, and I wonder fie,
Fair can the answer to the problem lie?
There's no feed-back, and it doesn't squeal
So it can't need oiling like a feel-barrow feel.


The picture is sharp as bed of nails:
I see every barnacle on the big sperm fales,
So fie does it keep playing foolish games
Fen it comes to pronounce these Maori names?

With my old cats fisker crystal set,
File it fined and fistled, still you could bet
That you could give it a fack and it would clearly say
Whakamaru, Whakatane and Whangarei.

With a Featstone bridge, this telly I've tested,
I've fipped it and kicked it, I'll not be bested.
I'm determined to make it pronounce the words right
Even if the screen goes completely fite.

I think I'll fack it with a Fitworth spanner
'Til it says its words in the proper manner.
A breathalyser bag may hold the key:
Would it detect a fiff of Scotch Fiskey?

Fotever I do, fooever if offends,
This infernal nonense has got to end,
Or from off the forf and into the bay
I will throw this ignorant telly away.

Fooever has caused it, intellectuals or clowns,
Mere fims cannot alter the names of our towns.
Let's not go fonky, like the telly I·ve thrown away,
Let's stick to Whakamaru, Whakatane, and Whangarei.