ERNIE!


You could hear his knackers pound as he raced across the ground

And the clatter of his prick as he swung it round and round

As he galloped into Market Street - he had no pants or vest

His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the West.


Now Ernie fucked a widow, a lady known as Sue.
She said "I'd like to try it" and he said "I bet you do".
They said she was too big for him, she had it twice a week,
Till Ernie flashed his chopper, and all her flesh went weak.
His name was Ernie, and he had the biggest chopper in the West.

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man
Called One-ball Ted from Teddington, and he drove the Durex van.
He tempted Sue with his featherlite till he got his end away,
But all Ernie had to offer were dates three times a day.
Poor Ernie, he had the biggest chopper in the West.

One morning Ernie saw Ted's car outside the widows door.
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
Poor Ernie couldn't stand it - it made the bastard sick,
So he smashed Ted's rotten windows with a great big fucking brick.

So Ted he ran outside, his eye fixed on the brick
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his prick,
But Ernie was too fast for him - it wasn't the way Ted planned,
And a hairy, sweaty bollock sent it spinning from his hand.

Sue she ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
But Ernie said "Fuck off, you silly looking tart!"
He twisted back to face Ted, ready to have his thrust,
But a size ten spunk ball made him fall, and Ernie bit the dust.

Ernie was only 26 - he didn't want to die,
But now he shags his arse off in that brothel in the sky,
Where there ain't no bloody virgins, and he's fucked them all by force,
And the Syph in his left knacker pouch just goes from bad to worse.

But a Woman's needs are many fold, so Sue she slept with Ted,
But strange things happen on their nights as they lie in their bed:
Is that the trees a-rustling? or maybe even more,
Like Ernie's ghostly chopper a-banging on the door?
They won't forget Ernie: he had the biggest chopper in the West:


(alternative V3 and V4:)

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil fucking man
Called one-balled Ted from Teddington, and he drove the Durex van.
He tempted Sue with his featherlite and his rolling water bed,
And when she saw the size of his steaming thighs it bloody near turned 'er 'ead.

She fairly churned with vibrator burn, and he said "If you treat me nice
You'll have blowjobs by the dozen and dildos once or twice".
He knew when she tested his tickler sheath he'd get his end away,
And all Ernie had to offer her were three dates every day.
Poor Ernie! he had the biggest chopper in the West.