ERECT-O-KIT GIRL                    Eric Bogle

(Waltz time:)
        D            A         D
I first met her in a dimly-lit bar-room
                                 G
Where she sat at the bar getting boozed,
                     D            Bm
And in the dim light she looked alright
               E                          A
Though I could see she'd been pretty well-used,

But I was lonely, half-cut and desperate,
My hormones were running amok.
For months cruel Fate had kept me celibate,
So tonight I was looking for a - change in my luck -

Ch:
              D    F#m       Bm
I've searched all around the world
Em      A              D
For my Erect - o - kit girl.

So I said "Can I buy you some refreshment?"
She smiled and said "A Vodka and Lime."
And by the barman's sly wink as I bought the drink
I could tell I'd struck the jackpot this time,
And after her twenty-third Vodka
I said to her "Let's shoot the breeze.
"Why don't we go back to my little flat,
"And I'll make you Coffee and some toasted cheese."

Ch.

Now I knew she knew what I was after,
And she knew that I knew that she knew,
So though I knew she knew, she knew I knew too -
We were two lonely nuts in search of a -----,
So when we got back to my penthouse
We didn't waste much time with talk.
Straightway we did head to my big double-bed
And that's where I got a great big shock -

Ch.

For first she took off her long flowing hair,
Revealing a completely bald head.
Like a wee hairy dog it lay crouched on the rug,
So I kicked it to make sure it was dead,
And then she took off her Playtex Living Bra,
Confirming the worst of my fears,
For what it had covered was mainly foam-rubber,
And hadn't been living for years -

Ch.

Then off came her eyelashes and her false teeth,
Her glass eye and her wooden leg,
But worse was to come - her pink plastic bum
Joined the gruesome wee pile on the bed.
What was left of her lay on the blanket,
And she said in a voice low and hoarse
"Would you like to caress my little love-nest?"
I said "Okay, just throw it across!"

Ch.

Now you might think that I was disgusted,
Turned off instead of being turned on,
But if you thought that, I can tell you quite flat,
You would be bloody well wrong,
For I carry her round in a suitcase
In parts numbered from one to ten,
And when I feel the urge for a quick sexual splurge
I just glue her together again.

I've searched all around the world
And I've found my Erect - o - kit girl !