Julius Kibo (Act II)
From: Bryce Utting
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money)
Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 12:27:41 +0000 (UTC)
ACT TWO
SCENE I. sci.physics.electromag. Re: Kibology and DECEIT
Enter Michelervani, followed by a crowd of sci.physics.electromag
posters; among them Archimedes, bearing several masks.
Mich. Stars do NOT follow simple free orbits around the center of a
galaxy. In globular star clusters, each star is OUTSIDE the
gravitational limits of its neighbors, but INSIDE the limit of
the AGGREGATE globular cluster, so EQUILIBRIUM DISTANCES are
maintained. Likewise, Usenet newsgroups do NOT follow simple
theories. Newsgroup equilibriums MUST be PRESERVED.
1 po. Could be that the theories are simple instead?
2 po. Nay, Michelervani's theories be complex. For me at least he
is too cunning to be understood.
3 po. Too cunning for reason!
2 po. Ay, indeed!
Mich. Newsgroups MUST be outside the LIMITS of their neighbours.
While yet INSIDE the limits of ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR!
1 po. And their theories MUST be outside the LIMITS of sanity!
2 po. And deformed!
3 po. Corrupt!
Mich. Why, corrupt theories seek thee? Anyone who CAN'T use a
computer must be sane, said one sage of Usenet. The universe
is like the part in Pat Sajak's hairpiece. Microwave ovens
are powered by tiny leprechauns. When you buy an Atari
computer you get a little can of paprika for free. The moon
is a bowling ball!
1 po. What rot is this? 'Tis nonsense e'en more unfathomable!
2 po. 'Tis bozocity more than Archi-Pu.
3 po. 'Tis a harmless fool, be sure.
2 po. More fool than Michelervani?
3 po. Archimedes is, yet Michelervani fool still be.
1 po. Ay, there be no limits to bozocity.
Archi. [Masked] And more, he said! The Universe is actually a
Netscape Java virtual machine. And beable, beable, beable,
beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable.
1 po. 'Tis harmless yet. 'Tis sure.
Mich. Yet he be in authority over all Usenet! The LIMITS of his
newsgroup EXCEED their reach, and ALL USENET must ACT!
3 po. This brings caution to mine heart.
2 po. And mine; and I fear I know those words.
Archi. [Masked] Red food goes directly to your heart to become
blood, and green food goes directly to your gallbladder to
turn into vile green bile.
3 po. And I those. Whose voice is that?
2 po. This familiarity to mine ears is disturbing.
1 po. A kook? A nut?
Archi. [Another mask] 'Tis Kibo.
2 po. Kibo, thou say?
1 po. Leader Kibo?
3 po. Kibo amok?
Mich. I will moderate your newsgroup for you, he said too. And
more-- Brett Somers said 'Bazooms!'. I spell relief,
"S-M-U-T"!
Archi. [A third mask] And many times many, YOU SUCK!
3 po. Kibo? Said that?
2 po. He did'st, countless a time, or mine memory deceives.
Archi. [Masked] And he wants more.
1 po. Kibo? That sounds more like--
Archi. [Masked] Kibo is unconfined, and September is near three
thousand days advanc'd. To mark this, he would directly seek
sway over all Usenet.
Mich. Indeed: Kibo would be crown'd.
2 po. This news now strikes my heart with fear.
3 po. We must remedy, sure.
2 po. But how?
Archi. [Masked] Usenet, thou sleeps'st. Awake!
Mich. Shall Usenet stand under one man's awe?
Archi. [Masked] No! Never!
2 po. We must prevent!
1 po. Redress!
3 po. Strike!
Archi. [Masked] Night will suddenly turn to day.
2 po. Kibo would a tyrant be if not!
Mich. Kibology would ACTIVELY ALLOW that, and all Usenet wouldst
follow.
Posters [Together] Kibology must fall!
2 po. Find stake!
1 po. Bring volatile!
3 po. And sharpened file!
[Exuent
posters.
Enter Delani.
Delani Michelervani, and-- a stranger, a believe. Dost thou mind
whence those posters left in such a state?
Mich. Indeed! The Net has provided us with an easy way of ESCAPE!
Archi. [Masked] There have been too many of these guys who take on
an aura of importance far beyond their value.
Delani Archimedes, is that thou? There's mischief here, or I'm a
newbie. What be thy plans?
Mich. All SERIOUS persons must ACCEPT freedom from COUNTERFEIT
SPIRITUAL MASTERS!
Archi. Agreed. Michelervani, we must depart.
[Exuent
Archimedes and
Michelervani.
Delani I fear thy mind I perceive; and the outcome I do grieve. I
must warn Kibo, wherever he may be.
[Exit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE II. alt.religion.kibology. Re: Thunder and rumbling.
Enter Kibo, in a toga (no pants), followed by Iarai.
Kibo Nor Usenet nor email be at peace to-night. Thrice and once
more the Arkchyx have cried out, 'Hi, ho, they backstab Kibo!'
Ho! Chasius.
Jarai Your bidding?
Kibo I bid twenty dollars, same as in town, and WIN! You owe me an
iMac with decent font support. Prepare my newsreader, fool.
Jarai I will. But I broke your Mac myself installing terminal
emulators, so you'll have to use NEWS on the VAX. HAW HAW!
[Exit.
Kibo That's what YOU think. Your VAX is now running an IBM/360
emulator I stole from an MIT dishwasher, and now you'll have
to write a TCP/IP stack that can convert ASCII to EBCDIC on
the fly. Be careful with NNTP's repeated dots, SUCKER!
Enter Darla Viladivsischykvs.
Darla What mean you, Kibo? Think you to post?
Kibo Kibo shall post; the kooks that troll ne'er brought forth wit
as sharp as mine. When they see the complex scientific
analyses I face them with of Space:1999, they flee every time!
Darla Leader Kibo, I never stood on ceremonies--
Kibo For ceremonies never stood on thee!
Darla Thou mock'st, yet now they strike me with fear. The things I
have seen and dreamt are most horrid, worse e'en than Shatner
singing. All Usenet is in unrest, and trolls, and kooks, do
shriek and squeal.
Enter Paula Tobileroni
Paula And I, also, have dream'd upon this night. Kibo, the kooks do
rail and more. I dream'd the kooks raised all Usenet against
thee!
Enter Stacia
Stacia I, too, had dreams of dread! Kibo Usenet didst drive from
their midst, and all his followers were shredded in the
streets!
Enter Tamara
Tamara And I, too! Dream'd I that strange figures your kitchen
circled, saying, 'Dost thou wish to KILL YOUR POOR MOTHER?'
Take mind what this means, I beseech, and beware!
Kibo Indeed, I mind what it means. You've been robbing my snacks
cupboard before going to bed, and tried sleeping while on a
sugar rush. Of COURSE that makes you dream of kooks, it's how
kooks dream up kookiness every kooky night. Look at Archi-Pu.
Or Miccervini. Or Stuccilimia, or Kevin S. Wilson, wherever
they may be.
Stacia Yet these kooks would starve Usenet of Kibology!
Kibo You're right! I must act! And THANK YOU for reminding me!
Paula You'll rise?
Kibo I'll eat. I'm hungry, and all
this talk nearly put it from my mind.
Paula Stacia-- Tamara-- Darla-- Keep him from the pantry! The
Knights of ARK stocked it but this morn!
Kibo Too late! Here, what first will be? A manly treat! (Yet not
on fire!) Men's Pocky, Pocky made expressly for men. It says,
'Darker chocolate covering a delicious crispy pretzel!' It
begs! It pleads! I obey. Yum.
Darla If you'd just eat the food we made you instead of filling the
pantry with junk food and leaving the tables covered in cheap
plastic Enterprises and all the cupboard doors open, we
wouldn't have to hear of you eat this trash!
Tamara Could this be the import of all our dreams? Will Kibo in
junkfood be undone? Kibo, leave food! Tend Usenet! Take
heed of your grep, lest thou lose thy grip and Kibology be
butchered!
Kibo Yet more talk of food. You're making me more hungry. And
more bored. I need a new and stimulating snack now to try,
and luckily the Boston Chapter of the Knights have left me
with new and stimulating treats!
Stacia We're doomed.
Kibo And next-- a Chocolate Hamburger!
Paula I have nasty bitter vegetables stowed,
Of which he gave me seeds to grow;
I wonder if I should colour it blue, and tell him I have
something he should stock in his imaginary supermarket.
Stacia Worse than the green, blue, and purple meat I got for
Thanksgiving Dinner in high school?
Tamara We'll need worse than that to stop this frenzy. I fear the
kooks' plans may yet succeed.
Kibo 'Xylish - Hyper Cool piece type caffeine gum'. That nearly
makes sense, but I would still like to know the difference
between 'Hyper Cool piece' and 'Hyper Cool piece type.' One
piece makes you like a cross between Pokemon and the Fonz,
spinning around the room forty times a second while yelling
'AYYYYYY!', and the other piece only pretends to, is my guess.
Why do the Knights only give me the PRETEND food? Are they
keeping the real gum for themselves? I'll bet THIS gum has
taurine in.
Darla Critical for cats, and fine too for people's health,
but do you REALLY wish to dine on squish'd mouse?
Kibo Fear not, for to follow I have 'Glico Watering KissMint Gum -
Peach Mint Pink'. I feel pink. And peachy. And minty, and
gummy. I hope you're writing this down, this is good copy!
I don't like 'Kissy,' though. It's too close to 'sissy.'
Stacia Leader Kibo, we must away. Thou shalt be driven from Usenet
by the kooks!
Paula All Usenet shall be against thee!
Tamara You'll KILL YOUR POOR MOTHER! Or, YOU'LL KILL MY POOR MOTHER!
Or, YOU'LL KILL SOMEONE'S POOR MOTHER, at any rate!
Kibo Cowards dine many times before their deaths:
The valiant never taste durians but once. No, wait, I've got
that backwards. Never mind! There's fresh treats in the back
of this pantry, and more!
Darla Arkchyx, we must act, our time here is waste;
And we must stop the kooks ourselves with haste.
A Mountain Dew Code Orange Alert declare,
And take up arms ourselves; we're out of here!
[Exuent Arkchyx.
Kibo And here, jerky shaped like a novelty-- they're gone. I
wonder if they were talking about anything important?
Enter Archimedes, in disguise.
Archi. Leader Kibo! I have been looking many times for thee today.
I believe that Usenet has a unique delight, which we must
investigate!
Kibo What delight? And didst thou chance to hear what the Arkchyx
were raving about like loons?
Archi. Why, a new Prudential Star there be--
You must at once away with me!
Kibo A Prudential Star? I come at once! Will Michelervani be
there? Or Archi-Pu? Someone was looking for them.
Archi. They'll be there, I promise!
Kibo And food?
Archi. And food!
Kibo Then away!
[Exuent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE III. alt.config. Re: Leader Kibo must be warned!
Enter Delani, reading a draft post.
Delani 'Kibo, beware of Archimedes; take heed of Michelervani; come
not near sci.hcem, you FOOL!; trust not alt.config. There is
but one mind in all these kooks, and it is bent against Leader
Kibo. If thou lovest Kibologists, look about you. Bozocity
gives way to conspiracy. The Net Gods defend thee!
Thy friend,
DAVIDI DELANI.'
Here must I stand and summon Kibo,
And as an old fart will I give him this.
If thou read this, O Kibo, thou and thine mayest live;
Hence shall I hail thy name to the Net and thy grep,
Knowing that thine all-present ears shall hear and summon
thee, as in days of old.
[Calls] -- Kibo!
-- Kibo!
-- Leader Kibo!
Once, twice, and thrice have I call'd, yet no answer. I must
to alt.religion.kibology and hope to intercept him before this
way his path doth lead.
[Exit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE IV. sci.physics.electromag. Re: Kibology and DECEIT
Enter Ebay and Impisoni; Archimedes in disguise; the Soothsayer after.
Ebay Impisoni, this group is in a state; some mischief is at work,
make no mistake.
Imp. It is certain; the kooks, the trolls, and even the flamers
have all fallen silent, and hid themselves close. Stranger;
knowest thou what evented here?
Archi. I do not have the data and so guessing at them. I suspect
that Kibo is plotting to perpetrate--
Imp. Enough! Archi-Pu, I know thy voice, mask'd or no. A bustling
rumour, like a fray, comes this way, and the wind brings it
from thee.
Archi. Then let me discuss what the Atom Totality theory has to say
and predict about Kibo.
Ebay Discuss to thyself! Impisoni, we must run. Kibo must be
warned.
[Exuent Ebay
and Impisoni.
Archi. Kibo! When I looked at his assumption and saw the attack on
Dust-Cloud theory, no-one posted any figures. Now please,
does anyone know of any evidence? You, fellow? Before thou
leave.
Sooth. Not I. I go to take my stand, to see him pass on to
alt.config.
Archi. You think you have a theory for Kibo?
Sooth. That I have, kook. If it will please Kibo to be so good to
Kibo as to hear me, I shall beseech Kibo to befriend himself.
Archi. Do you know of some great matter that shall pass concerning
him?
Sooth. Not what I know, but what I fear may chance. I go yet; good
morrow to you.
[Exit.
Enter Kibo
Kibo Like days of old, I heard my name, and now replete, I am here!
Now. What do you bozos have in mind. Hello? Am I talking
myself again? Is there not ONE bozo here?
Archi. Great Kibo, one friend be here.
Kibo You! That was no Prudential. That was a macrame handcraft
store run by retired Nixon campaigners.
Archi. At this moment, I do not know. But today I looked at
alt.config and saw in it a reason, an impelling reason, for
Leader Kibo to visit. There is, I feel, the greatest
potential of a sharp Usenet action on the upside; wilt thou
come?
Kibo But Lottissimus was trolling there but three days ago. Can
there be anything new there?
Archi. For Kibo, there is I believe always something new. Come to
alt.config!
Kibo [Aside] Though this kook be boring, there may yet be point to
it. --Archi-Pu --yes, I know it be you --I shall.
[Exuent.
Act III