Julius Kibo (Act I)
JULIUS KIBO
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
KIBO.
IARAI CHASIVS, }
RICHIA HOLMIVS, } Knights of ARK.
MATTIAS MICCERVINI. }
DAVIDI DELANI, }
IEREMI IMPISONI }
IOE EBAY, } Heaven only knows.
ROBERTO LINDISI, }
TALISMANI. }
BEABILIVS VAN POLASIMVS, }
IAMES VANDENBERG, } Austrians.
IOHANN BARRAGIVS. }
ARCHIMEDES PLVTONIVM, } Conspirators against
ROBERTO MICHELERVANI. } Julius Kibo.
DARIA VILADIVSISCHYKVS, }
PAULA TOBILERONI, } Arkchyx (or, Ladies,
STACIA, } still, somehow).
TAMARA. }
A Soothsayer.
Spot. (Poor Spot!)
Kooks, Trolls, Kevin S. Wilson, other Kibologists, &c.
THE SCENE: alt.religion.kibology ; alt.config ;
sci.physics.electromag ; sci.hcem you FOOL!
============================================================================
ACT ONE
SCENE I. sci.hcem you FOOL!. Re: YUO BOZOS SUXXOR!
Enter Delani, Ebay, and certain trolls.
Ebay Hence! To alt.flame, you idle lusers, get you to alt.flame.
And what art thou, besides?
1 tr. D00D! I'm, like, a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WAREZ WIZARD, D00D!!!
Ebay A fourteen year old bozo, it more seems to me, yet something
feels amiss.
2 tr. Dude! You've noticed the twelve foot skateboards in our sigs!
Delani You had to bloody ask, didn't you Joe. But for what reason
are they so excited today?
1 tr. D00d! K1B0's visiting! He, like, flamed out B1FF and brings
his COMMODORE 64 in triumph!
Ebay B1FF? But that was years ago, wasn't it? And shouldn't you
of all people revere him?
2 tr. Dude, but Kibo-- B1FF-- Kobi-- Obik-- er--
Delani O you weary brainless wonders, you lamers, you bozos, you
flamers with wit weaker than water, with smarts less than
smegma, knew you not B1FF? Many a time did you cheer and
bray, and flood feeds both night and day, to see ancient B1FF
crow his canker.
And do you now bring out your finest .sig?
And do you now top-post like a fool?
And do you now hail for Hercules,
That you do fortieth-handedly believe triumphed over him?
Plonk yourselves!
Switch ISP,
And leave Google's long memory well quit of thee.
[Exuent trolls.
Think thou they understood one lone word?
Ebay Not even I. Yet this rabble attaches to Kibo that which
alarms me.
Delani They'd double-quote his .sig?
Ebay No, the other one.
Delani Hail Kibo king? But we do that already, and rightly,
besides.
Ebay Aye, but if they've learned of B1FF from the archives, they
might learn of Altnet's secret weakness, and all Usenet will
fall. They be but lame now, but clue pluck'd from Google
would bring power too, and keep us all in their rule. We must
watch, and consider.
[Exuent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE II. alt.religion.kibology. Re: Deifying Kibo
Enter KIBO; Beabilius and Barragius, for sci.physics.electromag;
Iarai, Richia and Miccervini; the Arkchyx; Archimedes and
Michelervani; a great crowd following, among them a Soothsayer;
Delani and Ebay after.
Sooth. Kibo!
Kibo Now what?
Beab. Be still! Peace, you lusers.
Sooth. Kibo!
Kibo I see a note writ darker than any demi-bold. Speak, and be
told why you should seek a job far from pen or screen. Mining
mud could possibly your worth redeem.
Sooth. Beware the 3,000th of September.
Kibo [Aside to Richia] What kook is that?
Rich. Some troll from sci.hcem.
Kibo Yes, you fool! But see how its plumage has been pasted on
with juice squeezed from rotten fungus. And the colour of
those feathers couldn't be matched with any additive OR
subtractive process. You'd probably have to eat fungal spores
from an athelete's jock-strap smeared with rancid butter then
throw it all up again, and even then it wouldn't attract
enough flies.
Sooth. Beware the 3,000th of September.
Kibo Indeed. Mind also how the serifs on the miniscules wrench
first one way then another. Still, Beabilius and Barragius
are to troll sci.physics.electromag: let's go see if my TiVo's
recorded the results before they've happened, like that time
with whatever that election was in Florida.
[Exuent all
but Archimedes
and Michelervani.
Archi. Will you follow them to sci.physics?
Mich. Sci.physics posters are RETARDS.
Archi. But how will they learn without our help?
Mich. They do ARROGANTLY declare that they need not our help. Though
there be still a few, a handful of SMART people, who see
through the LIES and DECEPTIONS of orthodox physicists and
other "scientists".
Archi. Michelervani, I remember a long time ago there were groups of
people who knew better, and they were not ruled so by these
ignorant masses. I am wondering whether we could return to
those days, and free Usenet of the scourge call'd Kibology.
In all likelihood, any attempt would fail, but what say you?
Mich. Many of their minds are closed, but there are GOOD INDICATIONS
that the so-called "laws" of Usenet are NOT so strongly in
their control.
[Flourish and
shout without
and cross-
posts to
sci.physics.electromag
Archi. What means all this shouting? I do fear all Usenet
Choose Kibo for their King.
Mich. A few SMART people would NOT accept such pronouncements,
though the SELFISH, LAZY, and IMMATURE "scientists" do demand
otherwise. There must be an way of ESCAPE.
Archi. There is.
Mich. You know one?
Archi. E'en so.
Mich. Why, then, establish your requirements, and let us CONSIDER
how we may proceed.
Archi. These fools, these Kibologists--
Mich. Those who are GUILTY of COMPLICITY--
Archi. I do share your sentiment. But getting back to the original
quest, these Kibologists launch their attacks on Usenet from
their home, from their threads in alt.religion.kibology. What
follows if they have no home?
Mich. Why, they would FALL SILENT, and be still, which must be
WORTHY OF SERIOUS CONSIDERATION by ALL Usenet.
Archi. It is, but we must proceed with care. We do not attach wings
to a reptile and they wait for it to fly. It just does not
work that way. Birds from reptiles is not instantaneous.
Removing Kibology from Usenet is not instantaneous either.
But Usenet with Kibology follows one road, just as all
civilization from previous wilderness follows one road, and
that road is through an rmgroup.
Mich. We should rmgroup alt.religion.kibology?
Archi. I would even go so far as to say we must.
[Flourish.
Shout.
Archi. Another! I do fear this acclaim is heap'd on Kibo to the
detriment of all Usenet.
Mich. They used to believe that LEADERSHIP was DECENTRALIZED, but
elevating Kibo would establish a FALSE Spiritual Hierarchy.
We must act.
[Shout.
Flourish.
Mich. I am committed. And more. I eagerly await the fray.
Re-enter Kibo and his train.
Mich. The thread is done, and Kibo is returning.
Archi. As they pass, troll Delani with your Purpose of Life
manifesto, and he will, with many a snide snipe, tell you what
hath proceeded to-day.
Mich. I will do so. But look you, Archimedes,
The filter doth glow on Kibo's gas mask,
And all the rest bring signs in strange faces.
Archi. Delani will tell us what the outcome is.
Mich. "THE UNIVERSE OF MOTION" contains FINAL SOLUTIONS to most ALL
astrophysical mysteries!
Archi. See how they laugh. Ark must fall.
Kibo Mattias!
Micc. Kibo?
Kibo See who your trolling hath brought in? Not only Archi-Pu, but
Michelervani too. Yon flake looks like he's up to something.
Such kooks are dangerous.
Micc. Fear him not, Kibo, every time he posts all Usenet collapses
in laughter.
Mich. The "Laws" of physics and gravitation NOTWITHSTANDING, People
CAN and DO walk on the Earth's INNER surface, just as easily
as on the outer surface. FOOLS! CEASE your LAUGHTER!
Kibo Would they laugh harder! But I fear him not. Yet we should
avoid him. He reads much, and posts it over and over and over
as if it were his own, and one day he may post something
dangerous. The Partridge Family theme arranged for high-
voltage doorbells, perhaps. Draw close, for this mask thy
voice muffles, and tell me truly what thou think'st of him.
[Sennet.
Exuent Kibo
and his train.
Delani Though thy face seems but vague familiar, Michelervani, I am
sure that people do walk on the inner surface of your skull.
Archi. I doubt not they walk on the outer surface of yours, Delani.
But tell us what hath chanc'd today, that the people do shout
and bray?
Delani Why, Beabilius trolled sci.physics into debating Galactic
Federation.
Mich. Many IMPORTANT people believe so to be true!
Delani Then Kibo proposed voting thou dunces, and the crowd didst
speak.
Mich. This is ABSURDITY, for Free People--
Archi. Hold. But did they not shout three times?
Delani Aye, for then thou wert parodied, and Leader Kibo's wit was
loudly proclaim'd.
Archi. Thou art villain, and base--
Delani Yet were there three shouts.
Archi. Should we be afeared?
Delani Aye, for then was Happynet declared.
Mich. You CLAIMS I deny, for you are SELF-RIGHTEOUSLY trying to
IMPOSE, out of GUILT in COMPLICITY--
Delani Now my memory knows thy name, and surely, I have IMPORTANT
INFORMATION, the DISSEMINATION of which is ENCOURAGED. For I
his motion for duncehood of thee was second.
Archi. I will have thine name dragged from gutter to sewer--
Delani Do so. Till then, farewell.
[Exit.
Mich. A brute fellow this is. We must act.
Archi. Kibologists doth bear us hard; but Usenet doth love them back,
or at least so counterfeit. We must proceed to raise Usenet
against them, and force a vote. I wilt, in many forgeries
through open proxies, in at newsgroups throw, as if they came from
several opinions, posts, all tending to the great calamity
that Kibology is on Usenet; wherein their ambition shall be
glanced at.
Mich. And after this, let alt.config unseat them sure.
Archi. For we will shake them, or days yet worse endure.
[Exuent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE III. sci.physics.electromag. Re: Lightning comes from the
Earth's CORE!
Thunder and flaming. Enter Archimedes and Beabillius, killfiles
drawn.
Beab. Archi-Pu? You, here? Why are you frothing so, e'en more than
usual?
Archi. There are omens, terrible omens! All the sway of Usenet
shakes like a thing unfirm! O Beabillius, I have seen flames
when scolding newbies have scorched the very newsfeeds, I have
seen rumours of B1FF himself returning, and I have seen th'
ambitious multitudes swell, and rage, and foam--
Beab. Thou too! Thou dost so well at it. Took thou lessons?
Archi. And rantings, and ravings--
Beab. Imagine such a thing! Why, I have but to close my eyes, and--
Archi-Pu? You, here?
Archi. You mock, but never till to-night, never till now,
Did I go through such a tempest in Usenet.
Either there is civil strife in alt.config,
Or else all the groups, too casual with th' Cabal,
Incenses them against Kibology.
Beab. There is acclamation indeed for Kibo's latest visits, but
I yet have seen nor heard nothing against. Are you sure you
haven't been out in the sun too long again? Your tinfoil
hat still keeps you safe? And besides-- there IS no Cabal!
Archi. I ha' but come from Altnet, where against alt.config I met
such flames, glancing upon me, and surly rumblings, and
grumblings; and there were drawn upon the group a hundred
ghastly newbies, transformed with their fury, who swore they
would see Happynet fall even at noon-day. They demanded
B1FF's return.
Beab. And then you left?
Archi. And came straight here, my other theories to explain to the
benefit of all!
Beab. I suspected as much.
Archi. But this will be decided by them yet. Comes Kibo to
alt.config tomorrow?
Beab. He doth, and he did bid me himself to bear word to you: if
Happynet proclaimed must be, your presence is greatly
desired.
Archi. He'd wish me there? This is great flattery!
Beab. [Aside] This is great free entertainment, more like. --And
your friends, beside. Will we your company enjoy?
Archi. [Aside] And bring them down from within. --Thou shalt
indeed!
Beab. Good night, then, Archimedes; and wear thou tinfoil close, for
this disturbed sky is not to walk in.
Archi. Farewell, Beabillius.
[Exit Beabillius.
Enter Michelervani.
Archi. Who's there?
Mich. A friend to ALL concerned PEOPLE.
Archi. Michelervani, by your voice.
Mich. You ear is good. Archimedes, what a night is this!
Archi. More than you conceive. Kibo himself, not guessing the import
of our plans, desires us in alt.config tomorrow.
Mich. There be SCHEMES and DUPLICITY laid by SELF-PROCLAIMED
EXPERTS. We must COUNTER.
Archi. Indeed, they say the Cabal (there is no Cabal) tomorrow mean
to establish Kibo as a king.
Mich. But all RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE will OPPOSE such a path.
Archi. E'en so. E'en us. Our plans are laid-- let us now zig.
First to sci.physics, thence to alt.config.
[Exuent.
Act II