Jokes

A successful businessman in Las Vegas for the weekend lost everything. He was left standing outside the casino in his vest and boxer shorts with an empty wallet and a return ticket for the flight home, leaving in two hours. He went up to the only cab on the rank and explained his predicament to the driver and promised to mail the driver the money when he got home. He offered him his credit card numbers, social security number, drivers license number, but the cabby wasn't Interested.

"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab".

The bloke eventually managed to hitch-hike to the airport and caught the flight home, just in time.

For several years the man grafted to regain the business, house and car he had gambled away that night.

Four years later he returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a taxi back to the airport.

At the end of a long line of cabs he saw the tight old git who had refused to help him that night. The man thought for a minute, and then went to the first car in the rank.

"How much to the airport?"

"Fifteen Dollars"

"And how much for a blow job, once we arrive?"

"What?! Get the fuck out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. He eventually came to the tight bastard at the back. He jumped in the car saying "Airport please driver". As they drove past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Three Prostitutes

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar.

The first one says my pussy is so big, I can screw three guys at the same time.

The second prostitute says, MY pussy is so big, I can screw a guy's leg up to the knee.

The third one just slides down the stool...

Three Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around a camp fire, telling stories about how tough they are.

First one said, "I once wrestled a rampaging bull to the ground with my bare hands."

Second one said, "That's nothin' -- I once bit the head clean off a rattler.

The third one said nothing... just sat there silently stirring the coals with his dick.

Pipe Regulations

1.All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout it"s entire length. Do not use holes of different length.

3. The I.D. (Inside diameter) of the pipe must not exceed the O.D. (Outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam and other stuff can put inside at a latter date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust as this can be more readily applied at the job site

6.All pipe over 500ft (153 M) in length should have the words long pipe painted in the middle so the contractor will not have walk entire length of the pipe to determine it is a long pipe or short pipe.

7. All pipe over 6" in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

8. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for the bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

9. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree or 30 degree elbows , be sure to specify left or right hand otherwise you might end up going the wrong way.

Hot Line

Welcome to the Pyschiatric Hotline,

If you are an obsessive compulsive, then press 1 repeatedly;

If you are a co-dependent, then get someone else to press 2 for you;

If you are a schizophrenic with multiple personalities, then press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are a paranoid delusional then we already know who you are and why you are calling, stay on the line while we trace your call;

If you are depressed, then it doesn't matter which number you press because no-one will answer your call anyway.

Jack & Jill

Guy running a successful business decides to hire a couple of staff name of Jack and Jill. Well they are very good workers and the boss is very pleased with them. Then along comes the recession and the day arrives when the boss knows that he just can't afford to keep both of them on.

But which one to lay off? He thinks to himself -the next one to come in late in the morning, that's the one I will lay off . But both come in a half hour early and work really hard. So he thinks -OK, the next one who fucks up,
that's the one I'll fire. But they are both model employees. Boss doesn't know what to do.

Then he sees Jill standing at the coffee machine and thinks - I know, I'll ask Jill what she would do. So he walks up to Jill and says,

"Jill I've got this problem and I wonder if you could help me with it. You see I've either got to lay you or Jack off."

Jill looks at him for a moment then says, "Well I've got a headache, so you'd better go and jack off"

Ponderables

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?
4. How did a fool and his money GET together?
5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. What's another word for thesaurus?
8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
16. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
18. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
19. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out
of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
Is it considered a hostage situation?

Pregnant

After marrying a much younger woman,a 93 year old amn told his Dr that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the Dr."
"An absent minded fellow went hunting,but instead of a gun,he picked up an umbrella.Suddenly,a lion charged him.Pointing his umbrella at a lion,he shot and killed the animal on the spot."
"Impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot it !."
"Exactly," replied the Dr....

A sailor returns from two years abroad to find he has a one year old son.
He is confused, and the next time he is at the doctors, he asks the obvious question.

"Oh, that's normal", the Doctor says, "It's what we call a 'vindictive' pregnancy".

"Vindictive pregnancy?" the sailor asks.

"Yes", the Doctor says, "That's when someone has it in for you!"

Software Upgrade !!!!!

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 And found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also pawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, causing the system to
lockup when launched (even though these apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

- A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
- Minimize button.
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option of uninstalling at any time without loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode' which would allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated With Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I had Found many problems. Apparently you cannot install girlfriend 4.0 over Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install at all, claiming insufficient resources. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Irish

An Irishman went to a Drive-In movie. He didn't like the show so he slashed the seats.

A Irishman went to the doctor and complained that ever time he drank a cup of tea, he got a sharp pain in his eye. "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?" said the doctor.

Paddy and shamus are coming in to land at London Heathrow when Paddy turns to shamus with a quaking and says that runway looks awful short shamus.
Shamus looks to Paddy and replies by Jesus your right but will you look at the width.

WHATS THE LATEST IRISH INVENTION?

1. PEDAL POWERED WHEELCHAIRS.
2. VERTICAL BATHTUBS.
3. EJECTOR SEATS ON HELICOPTERS.
4. FLYSCREENS ON SUBMARINES.
5. SOLAR POWERED TORCHES.


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