GROWING BEYOND FIRST LOVE

Love grows. Its not like a stone that sits there. It is like a tree that reaches out to the sky, like a rose bud that opens up, or like knowledge that expands as we learn.

Perhaps love is also something like food, we use it or lose it.

God’s prime purpose for marriage is for it to be a place for love to grow.

However, a common experience of marriage is for love to die. A marriage starts off with plenty of love, the couple are supremely confident that theirs is going to be the perfect marriage, there seems to be not a cloud on the horizon of their lives. There are heaps of hugs and kisses, there are lots of things to talk about and to do together. The couple are inseparable. It is real love. Whatever problems they may face are nothing compared to the love they have, and problems just dissolve away like a cloud on a hot summer’s day.

But after about two years they realise that their loved one has some faults after all. They are not the perfect person they married, and theirs is not the perfect marriage. They have been in love with love itself, and blind to some of the difficult things. The pressures of life have been telling a bit too. Work has been demanding, so that they haven’t been able to spend so much time together. Finances have been tight to pay of the mortgage and so they have both had to work. So there have been a few conflicts of what they should spend money on. He is a saver and she is a spender. The dream of love is shown to be just that – a dream. Was it right in the first place? Love retreats. Some couples give up straight away.

But assume that our couple just carries on. They have children because that is what they have always wanted, and they think it will make their marriage stronger anyway. But it is a hard job looking after a family, even harder managing finances. As job promotions come, there is even more pressure on at work. Love is not so outgoing now. They take each other for granted in the way they speak about each other. There are the kids and activities to talk about, but not so much talking about themselves. If something blows up at this time, if there is a fight or abuse, the marriage is over and the family is split.

Then comes another phase after the kids have grown up. It’s a mid life crisis time. What is life all about anyway? There are not the kids to keep the family together anymore – even if they are living at home, they are largely independent. Husband and wife can lead very separate lives, engrossed in their careers – which may be very significant responsibilities now – and demand a much greater degree of energy than what they are putting into their relationship with each other. There is not much to communicate anymore, and the conflicts over the years have taken their toll, and there are a lot of hurts. It could take just one bad event or disagreement and it is all over. Many marriages split after 20 – or 30 years together.

The picture that scenario gives is of love that doesn’t grow, but fades away until it dies.

But the Bible gives a different scenario of love. Have a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

1. Love is patient and kind
It takes time to get to know another person. Often it is the very differences that attracted us to someone that can become sources of friction when we have lived with that person for a long time. So it needs patience to accept that the other person is different, and to find ways of adjusting.

The adventures of life, the difficult things as well as the pleasurable things over time both become things that you can look on and say, “We went through that together, we can go through much more together.”

The initial dream of love is not wrong, but it has to be tested by life – and through many acts of sharing and kindness it becomes real. None of us is perfect, but the nature of love is that it shows patience and kindness despite our imperfections. That is the kind of love that God has for us.

2. Love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable
We all get angry at times when there is friction, when something gets forgotten, when there is a clash of ideas, when things don’t go right, when we are looking at someone else to blame, when our needs are not met. Anger is born out of selfishness. It may be mild anger that is ill-mannered, or it may be a temper that erupts into hurtful criticism, violence or emotional or physical abuse.

Anger that is not dealt with has no place in marriage.  Violence or abuse should not be there. If there is anger it is a sign of pain in a marriage and it needs dealing with. In that sense anger is a helpful sign, and is the reason God made us with the capacity for anger. But anger is a major destroyer of marriages, and the issues have to be dealt with, not pushed under.

How do we deal with selfishness and sinful anger? It has to be repented of. We need to realise that we are following the wrong model of expecting our needs to be met, instead of carrying out God’s purpose. Repentance means turning. We need to turn around all our attitudes and actions that are our responsibility, and turn away from the old model of marriage to a new model of sharing together the purposes of God.

3. Love does not keep a record of wrongs
Forgiveness is a key to a successful marriage. We all bring some anger and unforgiveness into a relationship, sometimes deep needs, and things that are not put right with God. In a close relationship those things will eventually erupt. If we were abused or not listened to, or not affirmed for who we were as a child, we may be looking to have those needs met in marriage. The love of marriage may indeed meet them, but in other cases they can become deep sources of continuing conflict. Our past experiences are like baggage that we bring to a marriage that has the potential to spoil it.

Because of my involvement in prayer ministry, I would recommend to both partners who are planning to get married to have prayer ministry sessions to deal with any baggage of the past. It is not too late to do that also for existing marriages. When you move into a new house, you expect it to be cleaned up, perhaps to have new paint, or new carpets. So also in marriage we need to start out fresh for the sake of the other person. If not then, such a clean up can happen during marriage itself, to enable a clean and fresh start.

4. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
This flows on from what I have been talking about. The evil of poor relationships, pride, selfishness, laziness, unfaithfulness, anger, needs to be dealt with. In Christ we know what is evil, and what is true.

A marriage has to have the truth of the gospel in order to be able to grow in love. The Word of God is a standard in marriage that can help to heal hurting marriages, but also to help love grow.

Although the divorce rate in NZ is 50%. Recent research has shown that the divorce rate where both partners are church attenders in about 9%. It is dramatically lower. Faith in the truth of God’s Word does make a difference.

There are great benefits for marriage in being part of a church together.
· For a start both sharing Christian faith together gives a common values and understanding of life.
· It also helps both people to live unselfishly – considering others.
· It gives a place for the whole family to share in something regularly together. Serving the Lord together is the best way to grow together.
· Praying helps to look to God to meet needs, instead of just looking to the other person.
· The issues raised in teaching or church involvement give opportunities to be discussed between husband and wife to help sharing between them.

5. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail. Love is eternal.
The Christian picture is that love doesn’t fail. It doesn’t give up when the going get tough. It seeks a better way through. It is real love that grows out of the first love of marriage.

Love has a hope for the future, and that is to grow. As the love of God is received in marriage, so also the marriage becomes a centre for sharing love with children, grandchildren, friends and others.

Love can look at the faults of another person and say, God loves you and I love you despite your fault. Love can see the conflicts and pressures of family life and work and say, there is a purpose that is greater than all of this, and that God has greater things for our family to do.

Love can look at the mature married couple and say, there is still much more that can be done in his service to more people than just our family. God wants to bless us in doing more things together than what we have been able to do while children took so much time and effort.

Can you see a vision for love and God’s purpose for your marriage that can change your marriage from a slippery slope to a mountain climbing experience?

- Brian Brandon

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