Peter and his friend (or you and whoever's party you are at) go down to the local pub for a drink one night and the Colonel is there, so they/you go over for a chat and the Colonel is pretty excited that the duck shooting season has just started. Initially he only has a slight impediment in his speech, which impediment you will need to describe to your audience: lf after the first vowel and repeat the first vowel, eg: 'belfed' for bed, 'golfoose' for goose, 'stalfarter' for starter, 'shoolfooting' for shooting. As he goes on recounting the day's deeds, his excitement increases as does his impediment and his saliva, so don't stand too close to anyone. You will need to practise it a bit before you unleash it on the public.
"I get out of bed this morning, pull back the curtains, and it's a perfect day for goose shooting. So I put on my new shooting jacket, beautiful jacket, perfect fit, (stroking himself appropriately) and go downstairs for breakfast: porridge, bacon and eggs.
"I get the double-barrelled shotgun out of the hall cupboard. Beautiful shotgun, look at the balance! (as he demonstrates the hold.)
"I let the dog out of his kennel, and back the new Jaguar out of the garage. Look at the car. Beautiful Jaguar; look at the line!" as he lovingly runs his hand over an imaginary immaculate bonnet.
"I open the door. Dog! Dog! and the dog jumps in the back seat. I press the starter, listen to the power bro-oom bro-oom! and we drive off down to the pond. Beautiful day. Low cloud. No wind. Only two geese on the pond.
"I let the dog out of the car and the bloody mongrel has pissed on the back seat! Bloody mongrel! (Good kick at the dog.)
"I get the double-barrelled shotgun out of the boot, and climb over the fence. Rip the crutch out of my pants! (Appropriate action as you examine your crutch and demonstrate the ripping effect.)
"The dog tears off down to the lake, barking his silly head off. Dog! Dog! The geese fly off and I raise the shotgun, take aim, and miss the bastards!"