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Attention
ASTA LA VISTA, BABY
 
Do you think that security of your computer is ecxellent?
Well, then let's have a look at
 
 
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Attention
I was riding
my bicycle
EXTRA STRONG VIAGRA
 
A bloke walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny.... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, take these - you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a the biggest tube of Deep Heat you have." The pharmacist replies, "You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
When I saw a
woman lying
down
 

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I fooled around
FLY TO THE MOON
 
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says:
"Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES"
So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:
"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS"
And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK , BOTH WAYS."
Until she was
ready

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First she opened
one leg
 
 
 

 

 

 
 
 
I put it in
 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
And weight
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
 
We tried different
styles
HOW SMART ARE YOU?
 
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

 

         Questions
 
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?

 

          Answers
 
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.
 
 
Then the other

 

 

 

 

 

 
She complemented
me on my size
 
 

 

 

 

 

 
After a lot of coming
and going
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

And speeds

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When I reached a
point of no return
A LITTLE OLD LADY
 
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said,
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady,
"That smells like shit." The little old lady said,
"It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
She shouted
"STOP!"

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She said she was
not on the Pill
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 
Nine months late
she phoned from
the hospital
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 
My world collapsed

MALE SPEAK TRANSLATIONS

 
"I'm going fishing"
Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"
 
"It's a guy thing"
Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
 
"Can I help with dinner?"
Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
 
"Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear".
Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
 
"It would take too long to explain"
Means..."I have no idea how it works".
 
"We're going to be late"
Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
 
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind".
Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".
 
"Take a break honey, you're working too hard".
Means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
 
"That's interesting dear".
Means..."Are you still talking?"
 
"It's a really good movie".
Means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
 
"That's women's work".
Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
 
"You know how bad my memory is".
Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday".
 
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses".
Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
 
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal".
Means..."I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".
 
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".
Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".
 
"I can't find it".
Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".
 
"What did I do this time?"
Means..."What did you catch me at?"
 
"I heard you".
Means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
 
"You know I could never love anyone else".
Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".
 
"You look terrific".
Means..."Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"
 
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are".
Means..."No one will ever see us alive again".
 
"We share the housework".
Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up".
 
 

 

 

 

 

 
My excitement died
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
I was a father
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
And now I walk

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THE DIETERS' GUIDE
TO WEIGHT-LOSS DURING SEX
 
        ACTIVITY                                       CALORIES  BURNED
 
REMOVING CLOTHES..
With partners' consent                                                               12
Without partners' consent                                                         187
 
UNHOOKING BRA..
Using two calm hands                                                                  7
Using one trembling hand                                                           96
 
GETTING INTO BED..
Lifting partner                                                                            15
Dragging partner along floor                                                     16
Using skateboard                                                                        3
 
ACHIEVING ERECTION..
For a normal healthy man                                                          2.5
For a normal healthy woman                                                     549
Losing erection                                                                           0.5
Searching for it                                                                          115
 
PUTTING RUBBER..
With erection                                                                              1.5
Without erection                                                                        300
 
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..
If the woman who does it is:
    Experienced                                                                              6
    Inexperienced                                                                          72
If a man doe it, regardless of experience                                  680
(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room  )
    With woman's consent                                                             50
    Without woman's consent                                                      300
 
INSERTION..
If woman is ready                                                                        0.5
If man is not                                                                                274
 
ORGASM..
Real                                                                                              27
Faked                                                                                          160
 
POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..
Bouncing                                                                                       7
Sliding around                                                                               9
Serious skidding                                                                          12
Whiplash                                                                                      27
 
ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..
Shoes flew off                                                                                 35
Expression didn't change                                                              0.5
Orchestra played                                                                            6
Birds sang:
    Large birds                                                                                  7
    Small birds                                                                                   3
Earth moved                                                                                   30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling                                                50
 
PULLING OUT..
After orgasm                                                                                  0.5
Just before orgasm                                                                       500
 
PENIS ENVY..
For woman                                                                                        3
For man                                                                                           72
 
AGGRAVATION FACTORS..
Partner keeps showing you his/her plant                                        5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat                                                14
Partner is taking phone calls                                                           7
Partner is making phone calls                                                        40
 
GETTING CAUGHT..
By partners' spouse                                                                        60
By your spouse                                                                              60.5
Trying to explain                                                                            165
Trying to remain calm                                                                    100
Leaping out of bad                                                                           25
Getting dressed in one large motion                                             300
Thanking partner quickly                                                                2
 
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..
Italian.. man on top, woman in the kitchen                                     26
Russian.. woman on bottom, man getting permission                    55
English.. side by side with lights off                                                10
Scots.. woman on top, man on whisky                                             69
American.. both on top                                                                     60
 
POSITION ACCORDING TO PREFERENCES..
Missionary                                                                                       45
Soixante neuf                                                                                   69
Doggie fashion                                                                                120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping)                                    150

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FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
 
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4.   Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Pop your zits.
8. Offer someone $100 if they can lick their elbow.
9. Bring a battery powered radio and play elevator music.
10. Fake heart failure.
11. Drop a stink bomb when you exit.
12. Bring a sleeping bag and take a nap.
13. Shave.
14. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
15 .Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
16. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
17. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
18. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
19. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 20.One word: Flatulence!
21. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
22. Do Tai Chi exercises.
23. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
24 .When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
25.   Give religious tracts to each passenger.
26. Meow occasionally.
27. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
28. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
29. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
31 .Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
32 .Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
33 .Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
34. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
35. Leave a box between the doors.
36. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
37. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
38. Start a sing-along.
39. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
40. Play the harmonica.
41. Shadow box.
42. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
43. Lean against the button panel.
44. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
45. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
46. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "p personal space."
47. Bring a chair along.
48. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see what in muh mouf?"
49. Blow spit bubbles.
50. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
51. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
52. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
53. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
54. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
55. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
56. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
57. Jump just as you reach a floor-you fly really high.
58. Groom your eyebrows.
59. Pierce your bellybutton.
60. Offer free palm readings to other passengers.
61. Recommend your favorite dandruff shampoo.
62. Check everyone on the elevator for head lice.
63. Sneeze.
64. Push all the buttons just as you get off.
65. Offer boogers to the other passengers.
66. Stare blankly at nothing.
67. Pick your teeth.
68. Give away free tampons.
69. Lecture on the immorality of ozone depletion.
70. Practice your operatic concertios.
71. Shoot Snot Rockets at the other passengers and blame it on someone else.
72. Laugh like the 3 stooges anytime anybody says something.

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THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER
KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
 
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
 
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
 
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
 
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
 
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
 
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
 
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
 
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
 
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
 
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
 
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
 
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
 
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments
 
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
 
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
 
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
 
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
 
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
 
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

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100 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GIRL
 
1. Free dinners
2. Free lunches
3. Free brunches
4. Free movies (you get the point)
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. You know the truth about whether size matters
8. Speeding ticket? What's that?????
9. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. You don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. If you never have a son, it's okay
13. If you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. If YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're the devil
18. You don't have to count how many people you've slept with
19. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex
20. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud
21. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling
22. You can sleep your way to the top
23. You can sue for sexual harassment
24. You can sue the President for sexual harassment
25. If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup
26. If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser
27. Same with tanning beds
28. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep
29. You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower
30. You can get free stuff just by smiling sweetly
31. If you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it
32. Brad Pitt
33. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself
34. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected
35. You never have to wonder if your orgasm was real
36. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper
37. When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out
38. If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them
39. If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them
40. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-aid store
41. If you don't shave, no one will know
42. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass
43. If you have a zit, you can conceal it
44. You don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
45. If you want to have sex, you always can
46. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute
47. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in
48. If you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them
49. You can dress yourself
50. Your hair is yours to keep
51. If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic
52. Once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch
53. You don't need a special occasion to hug your dad
54. You never have to wonder if you'll offend someone by opening then door for them
55.When necessary, you can live without sex
56. You can always get a ride hitchhiking
57. You don't have to pretend to like cigars
58. You don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool
59. You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything
60. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
61. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot
62. You don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a wuss
63. You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV
64. If you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave
65. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley
66. You never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist
67. You don't have a scar right under your chin
68. You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings
69. If you talk to your mom every day, it's normal
70. If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty
71. Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need
72. You can quickly end any fight simply by crying
73. You can decide not to work once you've had kids
74. Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth
75. When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing
76. Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems
77. If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it
78. You have never had a goatee
79. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable
80. You'll never regret piercing your ears
81. You can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes
82. You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra
83. When you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene
84. You know better than to ever use Grecian Formula
85. It doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom
86. You don't have hair on your back
87. Your doctor never has to put on a rubber glove
88. When you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed
89. If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants
90. You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know
92. If someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them
93. It's okay if you can't drive a stick
94. Ally McBeal
95. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can
96. You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny
97. You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer
98. You've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF
99. You bond easily
100. When you become President, you'll be the first woman ever
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