TWiF 32 is here, and your Captain Sarah Lane is joined by the lovely and talented Martin Sargent. Add worn out to that list; Marty is all tired from that defragging he’s been doing during the week! Sarah has also been busy with the technology, redesigning her personal SarahLane.com website – Ooooh, the page is so colorful, and doesn’t she look cute with that big smile. But now is not the time for all that tech stuff. Defragging is for during the week, the weekend is time for some Fun!

 Today’s show is all Jessica Biel all the time. Sarah is a bag fan… of her rockin’ body! Not that she’s bisexual. Don’t forget, Sarah only has lesbian eyes for Aniston! But this Jessica is a real dangerous person, so much so that a recent study by McAfee has found that out of all the people online to search for it is most dangerous to search for Jessica Biel. One out of five sites has malware content! Sarah thinks all the little boys trying to find topless photos of her might have something to do with that. Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Brady and Jessica Simpson were all high on the list of dangerous search terms. Hooray for Boobies!

 Over the pond in British town, people are having problems with cows. They’re killing people! Aww, Sarah thought cows were cute, docile herbivores. If you walk around with a Dog and the Cow recently had a baby Calf, the Cow will attack! Marty is declaring war, eat all the Cows! Beef Steak for dinner! Sarah thinks it is revenge for all those years of innocent cow slaughtering.

 In other animal news, Arizona is having big problems with killer bees. People are dying all over the place; the sky is turning black with swarms. One elderly man got stung over 75 times when he tried to rid bees from their hives with a shop vacuum cleaner. Oh what a bad idea, surely his wife would have warned him! Watch out for those bees, there is just no reasoning with ‘em.

 Pace High School is a nice community school. They’re having some trouble right now with the Internet. PaceHighSchool.com doesn’t belong to the school; it’s in the hands of a Porn site company! The kids love it! Principle Lay of the school says there is nothing they can do about it. Your name probably isn’t helping the cause there Mr. Lay!

 Trekkers or Trekkies. Yep, fans of Star Trek. Well, now there’s cologne just for them! No, it won’t make you smell like you haven’t bathed for a week. Three varieties are available. ‘Tiberius’ is named after Captain Kirk himself, bringing a nice zest. Sarah is sure anyone wearing that is going to get laid. Oh Yes Captain, set Phasers to score! The next scent is named ‘Red Shirt’. You know, after the once off characters that always die? Last is the perfume Ponn Farr, named after the seven year Vulcan mating ritual.

 Some people love Star Trek, but Sarah and Marty are addicted to the Internet. Martin is firmly in denial, but the facts make it obvious. He is in luck; a new clinic has opened in Fall City that is designed to help Internet addicts break free. It’s a bit vague, if someone is addicted to Porn or World of Warcraft is that more than just a simple Internet addiction?

 Marty always hates Sarah’s stories, but this one might be the exception. Florida is a magical place, full of screwed up hicks and nice old people. There was a woman in Florida who was upset; someone was smoking a cigarette in her presents. Yeah, non-smokers might get a bit upset about that, but this lady took it to a new level. She attacked the smoker with a can of Glade Potpourri Air Freshener, spraying for a full minute! Sarah hates the smell of that Glade stuff, and gets worried about the fire hazard involved with the lit cigarette.

 The last story is a real heart warmer of epic proportions. The kids in Snowmass, Colorado like to play in the local skate park during the summer months. This smooth concrete dome became a hazard for an innocent Bear! Aww, poor Bear! After a while, locals lowered a ladder into the park. The smart bear used it and was able to run free! Sarah finds it so cute! Marty is just negative and bored. Boo Marty, go jump in a lake.

Finishing off the show is another Tweet Beat. Does it come down to the line? Does Sarah finally take Marty’s offer of double or nothing? Check it all out on TWiF 32!

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Internet People Two featuring Martin Sargent! Feeling a little insecure now Steve Gibson?

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After a little bit of a false start, TWiF 31 begins! Sarah is continuing up north to visit her wonderful Mother, so Marty is at Casa Del Sarge Skyping in. Martin is relieved; being in the car with Road Rage Queen Sarah for an hour is bad for his blood pressure! The Traffic is getting really bad on the drive to Petaluma, maybe it’s time for the TWiFmobile (A Saab) to get a grade yellow police escort. The TWiT cottage has been upgraded to all digital technology! Sarah takes a few minutes to get used to the new equipment causing twin Sarah’s to appear. But hey, Sarah still loves all things tech. She even prefers them over Shoes! And Sarah loves her shoes, showing off her flash red Salt water sandals. Yes, cheap sandals. In her old age, comfort comes first with her footwear selection.

Martin has been getting more spiritual. After his past year of unemployment and car breakdowns, he’s come to the conclusion that God is the only being that could possibly help him. Marty’s love of tech and God come together with a great new concept – you can Tweet your prayers! Follow @thekotel and message him your prayers and they’ll be printed out and posted on Jerusalem's Western Wall. This Twitter thing is a fad, you could do this before by addressing a plain old envelop to ‘God’. Well, except in California where the letter will show up on Marty’s doorstep.

There is a lot of noise out on the Twitterverse, and Sarah is just fed up with it. Studies have been going on by Pear Analytics and they have uncovered the revolution that 40% of all Tweets’ are pointless, BS drivel. Twitter is pointless. SHOCKING! None of Martin’s tweets are pointless babble, all his posts have crazy pass along value. Well, people retweet his stuff. But doesn’t that just make it a larger pool of babble?

Gamers are getting older and fatter, according to Ron Richards (according to Martin Sargent). A study in the Pacific Northwest shows that the average gamer is a 35 year old chubby man. Marty points out that many people put on the pounds when they reach their mid-30s without gaming. Sarah is starting to notice that already! She is going to start playing more of the Wii Fit, getting up and hitting around with the tennis.

When Sarah is traveling, she longs for her comforts of life. Being in Toronto and not being able to find a toilet is a very uncomfortable situation. Without further ado-do, it’s the Gotta Go Briefcase! From the outside it looks like a standard Briefcase, but open it up and bam! There is a little portable toilet, complete with a little place for your toilet paper and newspaper. Sarah calls it fake, this can’t possibly be real! The proportions are all wrong. The logistics also lead Sarah to call it poo, how would you go about emptying it? All the public trash cans would start to smell really bad.

A Florida woman got duped after being hired on Craigslist to bottle feed and change the diapers of an invalid man. But here’s the catch: he was a perfectly able man, just with a baby fetish. How did that work, did she walk in the first day at work and just start feeding? Well, after a few late payments this man eventually got found out. Turns out it was costing upwards of $600 a week! All this baby talk leads Sarah to tell a tale from her youth. During the 4th grade she dressed up as a baby for Halloween, complete with oversized diapers and a bottle. Her mother found it a bit strange when she wanted to keep using the bottle and take it to school, drinking her apple juice out of it.

The baby boomers are still getting high! Martin hates saying ‘baby boomers’; it has strange memories for him. Anyway, a recent study shows that the 50 – 59 year old age group is increasing their illicit drug use. Yep, those hippies that did the drugs in the 60’s are still puffin’ away. But Sarah’s note: Don’t do drugs, don’t drink and drive. Lead an awesome, healthy life!

UFO sightings go up when UFO movies come out. Boring. Its time for Tweet Beat! Will Sarah FINALLY get out of the longest loosing streak in TWiF history? During the whole charade, Leo Laporte himself shows up and does something to make Marty giggle like he was 12. With so much action, this could be the best TWiF episode in… seven whole days!

TWiF 31 - Go Leo Go!

Sad Sarah is very sad today, but the show must go on! Along with her first officer Martin Sargent, Sarah shifts the Fun Generation into warp 9.9. Beam me up, Jonas Brothers! But all kidding aside, TWiF will make you dumber. Ok with that? Then on with the show!

Something that Martin can’t understand is buying lots of action figures and little toys at comic-con, and never removing them from the packaging. Well, in Japan a 29 year old man was a collector of Gundam models. All was right in the world until his mother, that he lived with, threw them all out in an effort to move him onto the next level in his life. Oh, what a bad idea. The poor man was so depressed and/or outraged that he covered himself in fuel, lit himself on fire, and ran around the house eventually burning it down! Marty tells us all an important lesson to learn out of this event: don’t mess with the comic-con kids! Sarah doesn’t collect much. Well, except for precious memories all organized in her head.

That guy from Japan might be crazy, but Marty has someone from the great USA that trumps that. A 22 year old kid wanted to get into a fight so badly that he stood on the roof of a TJ Max store throwing rocks down at people. He then went down to where the people were and tried to provoke people into fighting him. Why? Well, he wanted to get some practice in for the Ultimate Fighting Championship television show that he was hoping to appear on. Sarah is almost certain that this man must be huffing the glue. Martin thinks it’s more of a meth-related incident.

Marty likes to play the Lotto every now and then. Sarah never plays it, but would still like to win. Martin only plays the Lotto when it gets to over $100 million. Anything less wouldn’t support his broad lifestyle. Well, if he was European he could fly over to Italy and buy a ticket for the $190 million jackpot. Due to some kind of law in the European Union, anyone from Europe can fly into Italy and buy a ticket. A huge amount of people are just stopping over at the airport for a few minutes and buying a ticket before returning home.

Some TWiF viewers are starting to be concerned that Sarah and Marty offend too many people. But when it comes to this next story, you can’t help but laugh! Cuba is running out of toilet paper. Yes, soon the poor Cuban people with their Cigars will be left with nothing but sand paper to clean up there backsides. Sarah shares her Indian travel tales where toilet paper wasn’t a standard commodity. People there just use their left hand to scrape away the muck. With Sarah being left handed she got some strange looks from people thinking she is the lowest scum of the earth. Be kind, we all know there is at least one person lower and scummier than her.

Have you ever been attacked by animals? Sarah’s cat jumped her recently, leaving a long red scar on her arm. An Austrian woman was on vacation in Wisconsin and is now in hospital. Why? She was swimming, and she started to feel things biting her legs. Piranhas? Nope, a pack of angry Otters. But how? Sarah knows that Otters are so cute and friendly!

Australian police are outright baffled by a continuous theft of large amounts of cucumbers. Why? Who needs that many cucumbers? Sarah has a rather... private idea. When Sarah is touching cucumbers, feeling how hard they are, deducing the length, getting a nice straight one, she starts to wonder if women really do use them for personal intimacy uses.

British people are lazy. One in six people won’t even bother to get up and change the channel when rubbish comes on television. British people don’t seem that lazy to Sarah. Both Marty and Sarah remember the days when remotes didn’t exist. Back when Martin’s dial only had 13 options, people were kind, prices were reasonable and Wooly Mammoths still roamed the earth. Oh the good old days!

Scientists are developing Nanobees to fight cancer. These tiny little machines go into a cancer tumor and sting it to death! Martin is worried about these Nanobees getting into the wild, multiplying, and coming after the people. Small stinging bees that you can’t even see? He’s already filling his pants!

No True or Poo again this week, but Tweet Beat is still in full force. Sarah is extremely nervous as she tries to break out her long loosing streak. With a round of drinks still on the line again, Sarah is fast running out of alcohol money for herself.

TWiF 30 – Farmers Daughter enjoying a nice Cucumber

Well, with Marty back from his holiday to his home town, TWiF 29 can begin. He traveled to the epic Niagara Falls. He forgot his passport so the Canadian side of the waterfalls was unreachable to him. That’s good, because Marty prefers the American view for no reason, other than that it is American. Sarah picks apart Martin’s waterfall talk, trying to trump his selection of the tallest ones in the world.

Have you heard of Oprah Winfrey? You know, the former prime minister of Germany? Yes, that Oprah Winfrey, the tender lover! Martin thinks she is wonderful. Damon Lloyd Goffe is suing Oprah’s mega huge company for plagiarism of an online collection of poetry. He’s gunning for $1.2 trillion. Yes, 12 followed by eleven zeros. He gets that figure by calculating that Oprah sold $650 million copies of the book at about $20 a pop. Sarah has faith in Oprah, saying she wouldn’t go around stealing peoples content. But hey, according to Marty, Oprah wouldn’t even notice that the money was gone.

Superglue is a very powerful tool. A man was cheating on his wife with three separate women. For a time, none of his sexual partners knew any of the others. Well, after they call got wind his extensive sexual activities, they made a plan. His wife lured him into a motel room, and tied him to the bed in a sexual manner. Now these women are all heinously ugly according to Martin, leaving any chance of this mans sanity being intact in doubt. Well, he lost his self pride when all his lovers showed up at the motel and preceded to superglue his penis to his leg. Owch! Sarah is sure there must be some sort of solvent to remove the glue, but what consequences would that have to his reproductive ability? All this talk of glue and solvents leads Sarah to recount tales of her slutty youth with fake fingernails. Her fake nails would break, she’d glue them right back together. Unfortunately, the glue sometimes made her fingers get stuck together, leading to a rather strange sight when she used chopsticks. Oh Superglue, you really are the bane of so many peoples lives.

Sarah drinks a lot - so much so that she once tripped over a cat! Because of the fall she broke one of her fingers, but it really could have been much worse. Maybe she should take a hint from what is happening in Denmark where they are planning to introduce walking helmets. Yep, the proud country is coming up with a plan to make its pedestrians wear protective headgear in there everyday strolls. Sarah cringes; she often doesn’t wear a bike helmet – even when she is a bit of the tipsy side.

The world’s most expensive whiskey was just sold for an epic £11,750. Never trust that stuff in Martin’s house, one night he’d get a bit jolly and down it all in a few seconds. It has got to be a good bottle of whiskey, it comes in a nice collectors box!

Sarah is totally a cat lover. Child porn, however, is something Sarah absolutely despises. Imagine her pain when a dirty man blames his cute little cat for the heap of child porn on his computer. Yes, he claims that he would leave his computer on and when he returned strange stuff would appear on the screen. The computer had over 1000 dirty images on its hard drive. Sarah believes cats are very smart, but something like that is even beyond her belief.

Marty likes nurses, but Sarah think nurses are generally un-sexy. Some childhood memory about hospitals is probably the cause of this. But these days you have got to be careful about who really is a nurse. Fifty-six-year-old Betty Lichtenstein of Norwalk made up a nursing award and gave it to herself, even though she isn’t a nurse at all. She even paid for a dinner banquet where she received this fake award.

Why do people need to set records for the dumbest things you have ever heard of? It baffles Sarah. Steve Misiura from London decided to break the world record for watching the most TV. He spent 84 hours in a row watching every single episode of the sitcom Friends. Sarah loves friends because her ideal lesbian partner Jennifer Aniston stars in it. But 84 hours? The man looked very unhappy near the end. If Marty had to do it, Friends wouldn’t be his choice. He’d go with some obscure talk show called ‘Unscrewed’. Anyone ever heard of it?

Tweet beat comes back, and this time it’s personal. With Martin wanting to stop on the trip home for food, and Sarah having to catch a flight, the stakes are painfully high. Will Martin fade away from hunger? Will Sarah make it and leave on her Jet plane? The action. The drama. The sweat on Marty’s forehead.

TWiF 29 – “France?”

TWiF Live might be moving an hour earlier! Due to traffic issues, the live stream of TWiF might move up an hour to 2pm PST. The Road Rage is getting too much for Sarah. If you have any comments or complaints about this, email martin@twit.tv and sarah@twit.tv with your query.

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Episode 28! Yes, not episode 29. That’ll have to wait for next week. Isn’t Marty’s hair looking nice? He is just so happy with his stylist – right down to being proud of the spelling of his name. Right from the outset Marty is sure this episode will be great. But then he starts to remember when he was 28 years old. You know, when he actually had a job. Poor Marty must be starting his mid-life crisis. What, with the balding and desire to own a sports car? It’s just so easy to see. He even starts showing off his ‘enormous wingspan’, being his last physical asset he can still be proud of. None of this stuff is happening to petit Sarah, she acts 21 and gets away with it rather smoothly. Adding more gloom to Marty’s life, Sarah scares him with facts that his girlfriend can trace all the dodgy websites he visits late at night. Being Martin Sargent just isn’t as fun as it once was.

For the first story, Marty takes us to Italy. There’s a nice Island called Capri. It’s a rather popular tourist destination, full of glamorous women smoking posh, slim cigarettes. A nice middle aged couple wanted to visit this wonderful place, so they rented a car and set the GPS to navigate them there. Too bad they can’t spell. They drove 650 kilometers to the industrial town of Carpi – spelled very similar, but nothing like the famous Island with its fabulous Blue Grotto attraction! Sarah thinks it’s really silly to rely so much on this newfangled computer GPS technology in every aspect of travel. But hey, her Italian travel stories are rather crappy too!

Ever feel like your working for a cult? Marty thinks Sarah’s job at Current is trying to save the world in a cult like fashion, under Command of Mr. Al Gore. Sarah is just pleased they dish out free food and drink – and that she actually has a job. But there’s one new startup in San Francisco – an ‘idea factory’ – that Martin thinks is very much a cult. First, if you want a job there, you got to work free for a month. After that the co-workers have to decide together if you should be hired. Other creepy things also go on like only having one door in the whole office, and something called a ‘Naked Thursday’. But hey, if it’s an awesome job Sarah would be there! Too bad she is already employed. Marty isn’t, but the cult thing just doesn’t rock his boat.

Everyone uses Twitter. Even @TWiFisFun has its place in the Twitterverse! But with its huge popularity, Sarah thinks that most people would be aware of the dangers of posting whimsical information. A woman posted a tweet saying that her apartment was a tad moldy, and now the buildings management company is taking her to court. $50,000 for 140 character tweet? Marty doesn’t think they’ll get the money.

When it comes to attractiveness, Sarah hates calling someone hot. Hot does not mean pretty. Sarah thinks it is more of a “Sexy. Bah Bah Boom, look at that ass” term. Saying hot just doesn’t make sense. If Sarah sees a nice man she’ll say “Oh my Gosh, this guy was so gorgeous. He had high check bones and smelled good”. She doesn’t appreciate really attractive males anyway, as she doesn’t want to feel flabby and ugly next to a man. She finds a man with a good job really attractive, leaving Marty well out of the running.

The online dating site eHarmony is making a huge claim that 2% of all marriages in the United States met through its service. Sarah is baffled, calling BS on that number, along with similar claims by other online dating websites. The demographics of various dating websites are dissected, trying to figure out the best one for Sarah to find a boy toy. It’s useless though, she only dates people that she meets at work. And that really hasn’t been successful.

Who would you pay to go on a date with? Sarah immediately says she’d turn gay for Jennifer Aniston. Sarah finds her to be very funny, an amazing comedic actress and loves all her movies. They even had the same color hair! A recent poll by charity auction site MadBid.com asked Men who they would most like to go on a date with. Much to Sarah’s anger, her fantasy girlfriend Ms Aniston is nowhere in the top 10! Topping the list is Megan Fox, who Sarah finds annoying but can see how gorgeous she is. This list can’t be taken entirely seriously, with the number 5 spot going to the three male hosts of the British Car show Top Gear. When Marty is put on the spot he can’t come up with a handsome male that he’d go gay for. Homophobic? Well, that’s for you to decide.

With a triumphant return, True or Poo is back in full force. Is it a true story or out of Martin’s mind? The task of deciding that is up to Sarah. With a round of drinks on the line, the stakes could not be higher. Would Sarah live in a cave with a bunch of bats? If the pay was good enough! Martin once again feels the pulse of the Twitterverse in another game of the hugely popular Tweet Beat.

With everything from international travel to hot Sarah Lane lesbian sex, TWiF 28 is the podcast event of the decade.

TWiF 28 – “If you’re doing it right you don’t need Lube!”